AIBU to expect DH to replace my ruined jumper(s)

[PILinOz]

I love the feel and look of cashmere and wool jumpers but cannot justify paying full price. Instead I scour TK Maxx and Vinted for bargains.
Over the past few years I have managed to find and buy myself a few lovely pieces at a heavy discount. My lovely mother-in-law also bought me a lovely cashmere jumper last Christmas.

My husband has managed to ruin all of them by just shoving them in with the regular laundry. They’ve all shrunk and felted. Each time his reaction to this has been to go “Oops, my bad, sorry” and kind of shrug his shoulders and that was the end of it.

A couple of weeks ago I found a lovely, BNWT wool/cashmere blend jumper on Vinted for £20. The original price tag was £125. I wore it and put it in the laundry basket. A few days later DH announces he’s going to do some laundry. I warn him that a few of my newly purchased work items are in there and not to touch them please. Later on he comes to tell me that he’s really sorry but he’s only gone and completely ruined my new cashmere jumper. He apologises profusely. I tell him I’m really upset. This is the about the 4th time he’s done this and I specifically told him not to touch my stuff. More apologising. He seems genuinely sorry for once

Later on I find him scrolling the internet to find a replacement. Of course he can’t find the exact same one as it came from Vinted and isn’t current season, but he finds something similar by the same brand and offers to buy it. It costs £165

Here is where I may be unreasonable. We earn roughly the same and pool all our finances into our joint account. I cannot justify using £165 of family money for a jumper. That just seems wild to me. I tell him this and he gets annoyed. I try to explain that spending £165 of our money to rectify his mistake isn’t fair. That I spend my time and effort to find these items and only purchase them at a price we can realistically afford. He thinks that I should just go out and buy new replacement jumpers at full price as we have the money. As far as he is concerned he has offered a solution which I am rejecting so that’s the end of it.

I brought it up again yesterday and said again that I think it’s totally unfair that he’s now ruined 4 of my nice jumpers and has no intention of putting in any effort to replace them. He looked incredulous and said “What, are you really expecting me to go through the rails at TK Maxx or join Vinted to find replacements?” I said I didn’t think it was such an unreasonable request and why should the burden of finding a solution to a problem he caused by his repeated carelessness, fall to me? He told me I was massively overreacting and he’s done talking about it. AIBU? Yes: it’s just a few jumpers, get over it and move on. No: DH should use his time and effort to source suitable replacements that won’t cost the family a fortune.

At this point I think your only sensible option is to have a separate laundry basket for delicates that you don't want your dh anywhere near.

Expecting him to scour Vinted or TKMax won't work. No matter how hard you try to educate him, it won't work because he doesn't care that much.

Not the point but you need a handwashing laundry basket, it’s the only way to keep it separate but he should maybe search and send you results for vinted etc and if you like it then he should buy it

1. he’s offered you a solution, you don’t like it. It seems you want to make him “suffer” and lose his time to replace your jumpers
2. don’t put your cashmere jumpers in the pile of clothes that they can’t be washed with

prevention is better than cure…

@PILinOz

😆

Funny how OP didn't have to be trained, she learnt herself like any responsible adult.

Surely her DH should know how to do laundry without being trained by his wife?

OP doesn’t sound like he’s remorseful at all?

we’ve had a couple of my wool items (sale bought) ruined over the years by DH and I think got the idea from my reaction.

i want us to make an effort as a household to look after clothes by laundering them properly. Does your DH understand the value in this?

Yes he is an incompetent man child.
But why keep putting your jumpers in the household laundry?
I keep my precious stuff seperate because if my husband doesnt wreck them a teen will.

I wish we all had guys who came ready-trained for all domestic duties. Unfortunately, that doesn't always happen... 🙄

I never ever put my cashmere jumpers in the laundry basket because even though I am the one who does the laundry, I'm aware of the possibility of disaster. I could easily forget it's there and just shove in a load. So I would strongly advise you not to do this again.

Obviously your husband is in the wrong for having ruined your jumpers. He should pay for replacements. I don't think it's reasonable to expect him to search Vinted or TK Maxx to do it though. He should give you the money instead.

I also think, if you can afford it which the husband believes you can, you just buy the new 165 jumper and never ever put it in the laundry basket.

Sadly this I keep a separate delicates basket I shouldn't have too but after too many ruined items I no longer trust my dh

Presumably he does know how to do his own laundry though? If he doesn't own any cashmere he reasonably would not know what to do with it. To be honest I don't even know if I would be able to identify the cashmere out of a heap of laundry, so I'd have to check every label to make sure, which would make the simple task of putting a wash on suddenly take much longer. Seems unfair to put that on the non-cashmere-owning partner when a much simpler solution exists (a separate basket).

I've had conversations with my dh about this kind of thing. I realised he didn't have any strategy for remembering to do stuff other than "hope I remember it at the relevant time".

We now both use a lot of calendar reminders etc and go through all the related tangents that need to be thought of. Eg if DC has a party invitation, it's not just a case of seeing if we're available, but thinking about transport, a present, when the present will need to be bought etc. Like project management but for things that some people think are too trivial or "not my job" to bother thinking about so they don't get done.

You can do it in a non-condescending way and it might help anticipate stuff a bit more.

My own rule re school event tickets is don't open the email (so it's left unread) until you're actually ready to buy the tickets etc. Otherwise you've mentally "done it" and it drops out of my brain!

There's no way I'd be allowing an expensive replacement, just think how pissed off you will be when he inevitably shrinks that one as well!

This post comes up every month I swear!

He can replace them with brand new ones out of HIS pocket, not the joint one.

I would put them in a laundry bag within a laundry basket if I were you OP He's offered to replace it, found something similar but you're saying no so yabu.

He’s says he’s remorseful and at the time sounded genuinely sorry. Previously his reaction has been a “oh god, what am I like” type of reaction. This time he sat down, explained what happened ie, he knew he wasn’t to touch my stuff, separated some items out, but somehow the jumper got mixed up and sneaked it with the regular clothes. He said he was really, really sorry and left the room ( I was working at the time) when I came down after finishing work, I found him looking for a replacement. He thinks as he’s offered a solution, he’s done enough and that the end of it and I need to let it go and get over it.

(edited because the comment I was replying to didn't attach, and I didn't mean to press post!)

So now we're no longer arguing about laundry are we. It's some sort of weird power play to see who will cave first!

I've no sympathy for you @PILinOz . Play stupid games, get stupid prizes. You should have a separate basket for items that need special/hand washing. And yes, of course you should buy it - it's you that's worried about special treatment of your jumpers.

Do you keep any separate finances or have an agreement that he can spend a proportion on himself e.g. for video games, golf, pub etc? If so, it definitely needs to come out of his 'fun' budget. And I would suggest the full price new item so he finally learns his lesson.

Ignoring for a moment your incompetent (D)H, have you tried soaking your jumper in warm water with hair conditioner in it? This helps relax the fibres and you may be able to reshape it.

She put them in the basket with express instructions that she would wash them herself.

But what is the point of that?? Talk about making everyone's life harder!!

If my DH kept chucking things in the general washing basket but TOLD me specifically not to touch them I'd be a bit peeved off with it.. 1. you have to know what the items are, and how many there are of something that you haven't bought or wear yourself (so may not know 100% what they are) 2. you then have to bloody sort through everything carefully to remove the items before starting the laundry.. I wouldn't tolerate those sort of instructions when there is a much simpler solution that doesn't make my life harder.. and doesn't put clothes at risk of being accidentally ruined.

Just have a separate basket/bag/place for things that don't belong in the normal wash!! I don't think this is a DH problem so much as a complete lack of common sense. After the first time (it's now happened 4 times!!), you'd thing OP would have kept anything she wanted to wash separately.. separate!

You’re annoyed because they’re not really replaceable, and so it’s not really fair to expect him to replace them.

I get it, because I do the same, but DH and I have always been clear that if either of us buys hard to wash items then the person who buys it assumes full responsibility. And that includes not putting them in the usual laundry basket because I’m not willing to look through every item to check what’s delicate or not, the point of our laundry basket is it just all gets thrown in the wash (we have 4 baskets for coloured, dark, light and towels so it’s pre sorted).

I keep a separate wash bag of delicates that I was together when it gets full enough. I’d be annoyed if DH ruined them in the wash, but more so at myself. If he washed my delicates load inappropriately then I’d be livid at him, but he wouldn’t do that, it’s not his job or responsibility. His delicates are all dry clean only, so he also keeps those separate and takes them to the dry cleaner as required.

Seperate washing baskets and also seperate private own spending accounts that both have same amount each month

he saves and buys you a new one out of his money

I get why you don’t want your money paying for it out of joint account as it’s not him personally paying for it

I think you were mad to have just thrown it in the laundry given his form. I know you warned him but I wouldn’t have risked it.

Suggesting he goes to TK Max and tries to find a replacement is just punishing him. He looked online, he found a replacement, you declined to spend that much.