To feel upset and resentful at same time school places related

[Undecidedd]

DS started private school in Y3. We were hoping to keep him there till Y13 but due to certain unforeseen circumstances we cannot afford to anymore. We put his name down for the local state schools and he did the tests for local grammars too. Earlier this month he got an offer from our local grammar school. We were obviously very happy but it’s a tough decision. We actually have till 31st March to give notice to private school and today to accept offer for grammar.

What I’m upset about and reason for writing this post is that on Friday a random mum came up to me at pick up and asked if DS leaving. I told her we not sure and she said she heard from another mum (I wish I had asked her who!).

Yesterday I got a message from DS’s recent friend who joined at start of year 6 asking me if we leaving and to tell her quickly as he’s putting his name down for residential (5 names need to be written for who you want to stay in room with for residential trip in May).

im not good at explaining my feelings (I have childhood trauma which makes me unable to process my emotions appropriately). I feel upset that everyone seems to already know but I wanted to share it once we were officially gave out notice to school. I also feel guilty I didn’t tell the friends of DS but I was waiting. Also the fact that DS might be leaving I don’t want him excluded from things, he’s only 10. We can still keep in touch with friends as we still live in the area.

I'm feeling really upset but I can’t process or regulate my feelings. Would you ask the mum who told her? I’m not happy someone is discussing this before I’ve had a chance. The only possible people I can think of are the ones who did the test with us. 6 other boys have been offered the grammar place from DS school too but I wouldn’t go around talking about them or naming them to the other mums.

DC are at an independent through school but one is in Y6 and some in their class are leaving for state/different indie/moving away. They are all talking about who is leaving and who is staying.

Congrats on your boy getting a grammar place. It's an amazing achievement.
Secondly, this isn't about you. Smile, shrug, move on. This isn't about your boy either - private school parents get stressed when kids leave as it makes them question their own choices. If there were 6 other boys doing the 11+ they are probably most stressed about the school finances.
I would not actively announce it - just say 'yes were going' if asked. In secondary friendships change and as long as you facilitate him being able to contact his old friends it's up to him to do so - you will naturally become less invested.

@OnlyMabelInTheBuilding thank you. So you think it might have been just innocent conversation? I just feel as it’s not official (we have t given notice yet). I feel upset he’s leaving to be honest so I think I don’t want to face it!

how have the other mums done it? Have they just messaged or told people face to face? I know I need to tell his friends mums before they find out from others or they may already know

As my children reached the end of primary, this was a common discussion on which school they would move upto.

In your position i would be upset with the change in circumstances and that is always going to be a difficult conversation to share with others.

@Nodwyddaedafedd thank you. I feel upset the other mums is not letting her ds put my sons name down for residential as we leaving. It feels strange to say we leaving as I don’t feel it’s real! As you can tell I’m awake at this time thinking about it! I feel really heart broken he’s having to leave. He has gotten so confident in the few years he’s been here. In his last school he had no friends and never got an invite for a birthday party, I don’t want him to have to start over again. But I know we can’t afford it.

Why haven't you asked your child if they have been discussing it? Very likely they are, The children at my daughters school are always talking about who is leaving and who is coming. Its unlikely he school themselves telling the children, there is no reason to.

You just need to let it go. Have you considered it could be your son or who is discussing it? He presumably has thoughts and feelings about it, and perhaps wants to air them with his friends.

It is a very normal and healthy rite of passage to change school at age 11. It is good for social development to change your social mix and find new friends at this age.

It may do your son a lot of good to be on a residential trip where he rooms with other kids who aren’t his best friends. My dd ended up on a trip and none of her friends opted to go - she initially quite edgy about it. But I murmured reassurances and she came back buzzing - she had a room with some girls she vaguely knew and at the end of the four days they were firm friends. It taught my dd to branch out socially and now - age 15 - she has a huge circle of friends (she counted 17 people she considers to be in her social circle at school, plus a handful of primary school and extracurricular friends outside school).

Try to let your anxiety go, breeze through this for your ds so he doesn’t pick up on your worries. He’ll be fine. You can’t control how other friends and parents react so just be pleasant and reassuring. In a year’s time your son will probably have dropped all his private school friends without a backwards glance.

No the other mum told me on Friday that someone told her which I assume another mum who’s son was also in 11+ exam.

@NobodysChildNow thank you. Good advice!

Does anyone think going to grammar will be a bad decision? It’s single sex whereas state will be obviously mixed

I forgot to add which might explain my reluctance to tell his friends mums - I haven’t even told my own family yet! Both my sisters tried 11+ for their kids and they didn’t pass. I feel awkward telling them as I feel they will think I’m trying to one up them. I don’t have the best relationship with them as they quite competitive. I haven’t told my parents either as I know my mum would just announce it to them. I’ve learnt with my family just to not tell them good things. That’s why I feel until I have told my family I shouldn’t be telling random strangers.

Sounds like you tell everyone else and your family last!! Don't overthink. You don't have the funds - that's not something to be ashamed of! Most people don't and won't. You've taken a sensible decision to step off at the appropriate time and he's got a grammar school place which is incredible. People are always competitive about kids which isa waste as alot of talent only comes through at a late age and even then kids lives rarely turn out how their parents predict.

I do empathise - we had to take my DD’s out at the end of Y5 and Y3 (Covid hit and our travel business almost went under so no choice and a very abrupt and sudden move into Y6 and Y4 in the local state primary for them). I was so upset and put off telling anyone at the school because I didn’t want it to be reality and also waited until the very last day possible to give notice even though I knew we would have to but doing it made it real. I couldn’t imagine another school would be as good for them. In the end we did a big ‘announcement’ (totally pointless and most people already knew by one way or another - my caring about this was just deflection from my feelings on the situation - I mean, really who cares if other parents are talking about it and what they reason they know is. School
is full of gossip). I’d just respond factually as you are going to have to give notice tomorrow anyway and say yes, we’ve decided on the local grammar. I wouldn’t give the residential a second thought - the school will do rooms based on groups they think will best go together and ensure at least one friend for everyone regardless of what the kids write down so just ignore this.

Regarding your family - just tell your mum and let her tell the others - again, who cares what their thoughts are on what school your son is going to. This seems a non worry - no one will care when their kids are happy and settled in their own school.

On the grammar vs comp - no one here can tell you which will be better for YOUR son. I am sure the grammar will be fine.

fwiw my now Y11 and Y9 absolutely thrived in the local comp (not a grammar area) and I’m so bloody relieved that our hand was forced to make the move - they’ve done so well academically and have great friends. My Y11 kept one school friend from private but all her friends are really from her secondary and my Y9 kept in touch with no one. We keep in touch with some of our adult friends from the school. My Y6 has done state primary all the way through and will go to the same comp as his sisters.

sorry - that was a massive ramble but it’s just to say this feels huge to you now but in 2 terms you won’t give it a second thoughts and neither will your son. Good luck!

@Nodwyddaedafedd thats the point of my post I- I didn’t tell anyone! But I gave a feeling one of the grammar school mums told everyone. As everyone seems to know and said “someone told me”. Should I ask the mums who this someone is or just leave it?

You absolutely leave it. Don’t make your sons last term into drama there. So what is one of the others doing the test told other parents who was there - it’s not a state secret. Your son must have confined he was going if someone has said he is definitely leaving but as per my previous post - you are overthinking.

The chances are that your son has told the other children in his class. I’d just leave it.

Kids talk, the other exam takers talk, it’s just human nature not some grand conspiracy.

You don’t want to face the reality of this because you can no longer afford your plan to privately educate. You’ll make this an issue yourself and then your son will pick up on the denial, shame, avoidance and negativity.

Get counseling. Best foot forward. Tell people our plans have changed and we’re delighted little Joe will be at X school. There’s so many opportunities there and I can see the value of education in a mixed sex environment.

talking about it to friends and family shows them you’re the one with the issue.

@Teeheehee1579 thank you so much! Yes I totally agree with what you’ve written. lol the announcement- that’s what I was planning to do but everyone already knows. I just have a sinking feeling every time I think of him leaving. I wanted to not think of it at all

Thank you all for the advice, yes I don’t want his last term to be drama. Thank you for the wake up call! I’m feeling a little better but still have a horrible sinking feeling

You know he has to leave, so best now to accept the place and tell people.

He isn’t the only one going to the grammar so won’t be excluded.

The dithering can lead him to feel unsettled. This is an easily solved problem. You are overthinking it.

Sorry - just to also say that I think you’ll feel much better when you have actually given notice and talked to people about it. It will be out in the open and won’t seem such a big thing. Your son will likely in the next term go and do settling days or taster days which will be good. I also have to say that unless he’s currently and one of the top prep schools in the country then I think you’d be mad NOT to take a grammar place so I think you’d are lucky and he is clearly bright so try and focus on that!

You need to take a step back. So much angst over a normal question. You're the one creating issues here.

@Teeheehee1579 thank you again! Yes I forgot about the taster days that will be nice for him.

I mean this kindly… you’re massively overreacting. It’s a normal topic of conversation. It won’t have occurred to anyone it was a state secret and your issues with your family is not something people would be aware of.
Let it go. I think this is misplaced feelings from the totally understandable feelings from moving him. But sounds like you’ve done a great job preparing for the next school. It’s okay to feel sad, even a bit angry with the universe. But he sounds like he will be okay.

Your son would have told his friends. It wouldn't occur to anyone it was some kind of secret.

If I might suggest, I think you need to spend the next term giving your minds a different object of Fuchs= the future, and September. Plan the uniform, join the local Facebook community and ask if there are folks whose kids attend the new school, maybe meet up? Plan things for September, for October half term, a new hobby maybe?