To feel upset and resentful at same time school places related

[Undecidedd]

DS started private school in Y3. We were hoping to keep him there till Y13 but due to certain unforeseen circumstances we cannot afford to anymore. We put his name down for the local state schools and he did the tests for local grammars too. Earlier this month he got an offer from our local grammar school. We were obviously very happy but it’s a tough decision. We actually have till 31st March to give notice to private school and today to accept offer for grammar.

What I’m upset about and reason for writing this post is that on Friday a random mum came up to me at pick up and asked if DS leaving. I told her we not sure and she said she heard from another mum (I wish I had asked her who!).

Yesterday I got a message from DS’s recent friend who joined at start of year 6 asking me if we leaving and to tell her quickly as he’s putting his name down for residential (5 names need to be written for who you want to stay in room with for residential trip in May).

im not good at explaining my feelings (I have childhood trauma which makes me unable to process my emotions appropriately). I feel upset that everyone seems to already know but I wanted to share it once we were officially gave out notice to school. I also feel guilty I didn’t tell the friends of DS but I was waiting. Also the fact that DS might be leaving I don’t want him excluded from things, he’s only 10. We can still keep in touch with friends as we still live in the area.

I'm feeling really upset but I can’t process or regulate my feelings. Would you ask the mum who told her? I’m not happy someone is discussing this before I’ve had a chance. The only possible people I can think of are the ones who did the test with us. 6 other boys have been offered the grammar place from DS school too but I wouldn’t go around talking about them or naming them to the other mums.

You are massively overthinking all this, kids talk, people talk, it’s not that big a deal.

Gently, I think a lot of this is coming from you feeling guilty about having to move him. Make the decision, give notice and you’ll probably feel much more settled.

This is great news, OP, so frame it around your son’s preferences and ditch any sense of shame/upset.

Just tell people he’s tried for the grammar and prefers that so we’re letting him go there.

I wouldn’t bother saying anything to family unless they ask.

At our prep, it was a bit more secretive! However some dc did go to the grammars and others went girls senior schools at 11. Others stayed to 13 and went to the schools that started at 13. The grammars in Bucks are easier to access than many private schools, (eg Wycombe Abbey is not easy to get into) but obviously not all private schools are as highly competitive. Nothing wrong with state grammars (some grammars are private!) and he’ll be fine! Be positive.

I mean this kindly as I can see you're struggling with this decision and it's clear how much you care for your son and want the best for him. But you're in an extraordinarily lucky situation still to be able to send him to a grammar school. It will not be a bad decision and I am sure he will thrive.

Agree - this happens all the time - friends regroup ahead of change - also happened at my DD school for 6th form - those who were staying started to hang out with each other same as those moving on - same for those moving to boarding from day schools after Common Entrance just normal social dynamics.

Honestly OP you are overthinking it. It’s likely the boys themselves were chatting about the exam as several of them were there. And one of the parents might have been innocently chit chatting to others about having sat the exam and it may have come up about who was there. It’s not necessarily gossiping or anything like that. Honestly I wouldn’t spend any more time stressing about it. My DD was the only girl from her class who went to her secondary school last September and she is thriving and loves it. The friendship with the girl she was best friends with throughout primary has definitely fallen away but I knew that would happen that’s just part of life. Also another person in the primary school class moved to a secondary that was out the area due to the location suiting them better so people do make changes at that age.

My experience wasn't as big as a deal as didn't involve private school but I did make the decision to move my DC from a standard 30 class state school to a small mixed classes village school requiring an hour's travel a day and had similar wobbles about people finding out.
Everyone thought I was a bit mad for doing it, my DC did not want to do it but now I am so glad I did. My DC is happy, thriving, doing better academically despite their previous school pushing academics hard.
You don't have a choice OP, so look at it as a positive that your DC gets the experience of a grammar without the price tag. Yes the experience will be different but your child is still getting an amazing education opportunity.

This will be a big thing if you continue to make it a big thing.

Your fixation on establishing who said what to whom is a bit silly when, as many others have pointed out, children naturally discuss the move to senior school.

Your child will go to grammar school, that’s a positive thing. Don’t stress yourself out trying to unpick how the information got leaked as it won’t matter in a few weeks.

If the shoe was on the other foot and your son was the only one of a group not moving on to grammar I am sure you would consider him better off in a room with a group staying on? But only because you seem quite neurotic - most people see mixing up groups etc as a healthy way to keep building social resilience.

It also seems you are quite insecure and paranoid having seemingly suspicious of numerous people’s intentions from family to school mums - news alert most people are too busy in their own lives to be preoccupied with you. Seriously seek some professional support otherwise your DC will continue to absorb and take on your unnecessary and treatable anxieties as his own (you said he had no friends before - is that because you are socially anxious?) - he needs to be happy and confident in his own skin - state grammars are not surprisingly busy, competitive environments - he needs to be emotionally confident and ready for the challenge of uncertainty and finding his tribe during transition.

Huge congratulations to him - focus on enjoying and embracing his success not be being distracted and anxious about negative stuff which is draining, futile and tedious.

This

But surely you're giving notice to leave at the end of the school year? So your DS will still be going on the residential. That part is a non-problem.

OP, your DS will have chatted to a friend about doing the exams etc and conversations at home.

Look on the upsides of this:

You have GREAT school options that do not involve paying fees you cannot afford.

Your ds is going on the residential and the staff will manage room sharing etc.

Don't get involved in gossip - sort out your school offers, then cheerfully tell people ' Ds has an offer from XX and we are very happy with that' and support your Ds to be optimistic and forward looking about the new school. And support his current friendships - invite for playdates etc. Friendships can still be maintained when kids go to different schools - and the private school will take in new pupils for Yr 7. others will leave...don't entertain the drama.

She is hardly likely to reveal her source of school gate gossip! And FWIW the information probably came from your own DS when he was talking to his school mates.

31st March is tomorrow so you will have to decide one way or the other. Once the decision is made, it will be easy to announce to both family and other friends. It seems like the difficulty is actually making that decision, especially if you feel divided. Is it an option at all to stay, financially?

Has it occurred to you that the other boy and his mother might think your DS is leaving before the residential?

But the OP already knows that her DS mate has passed and is going to the grammar - so the OP herself is involved in the normal chatter she is so offended by and is happy to communicate that on a global social media platform - so loose lips all round.

She also knows who the rest of the ‘grammar six’ are probs their status.

🤔

This does seem far more likely

This.
Regarding the residential, I don't see the issue, as if it's happening this May, then your son will still be at the school and able to go on it.
You'll have to give a term's notice to the private school anyway, so you probably need to do this urgently. Check your contract with he school as it may say that it needs to given by the last day of the term before ie before they broke up for Easter hols.

I think the issue seems to be your thinking you have to make an official announcement.

It sounds like it stems from your familial relationship?

You don’t owe any one any explanations nor does anything have to be “announced”.

Accept the place and just mention it in passing as and when it’s appropriate in conversation.

It’s secondary transfer. Thousands of children nationally will be leaving all through schools (state and private) to go elsewhere - state, private and grammar.

It’s not the big deal you’ve created it as in your head.

Request the Grammar school puts your son with his best friend for their tutor group. Just in case it's decided by surname or something.

She’s probably wise to foster other friendships as your DS will ride off into the sunset without a backward glance and her DS will need to build new connections with those who stayed. You can’t really have it both ways. He’s leaving the group. This next term will be a transitional period, and that’s okay and an important part of life to get used to without micromanaging or getting resentful and upset, when it’s actually positive. I guess you’re transitioning too from primary parent to secondary, where you’ll soon realise how little control you can have and won’t even know about these friendship shenanigans. Start stepping back and seeing the big picture. Your boy sounds great and sure he’ll be okay.