To feel upset and resentful at same time school places related

[Undecidedd]

DS started private school in Y3. We were hoping to keep him there till Y13 but due to certain unforeseen circumstances we cannot afford to anymore. We put his name down for the local state schools and he did the tests for local grammars too. Earlier this month he got an offer from our local grammar school. We were obviously very happy but it’s a tough decision. We actually have till 31st March to give notice to private school and today to accept offer for grammar.

What I’m upset about and reason for writing this post is that on Friday a random mum came up to me at pick up and asked if DS leaving. I told her we not sure and she said she heard from another mum (I wish I had asked her who!).

Yesterday I got a message from DS’s recent friend who joined at start of year 6 asking me if we leaving and to tell her quickly as he’s putting his name down for residential (5 names need to be written for who you want to stay in room with for residential trip in May).

im not good at explaining my feelings (I have childhood trauma which makes me unable to process my emotions appropriately). I feel upset that everyone seems to already know but I wanted to share it once we were officially gave out notice to school. I also feel guilty I didn’t tell the friends of DS but I was waiting. Also the fact that DS might be leaving I don’t want him excluded from things, he’s only 10. We can still keep in touch with friends as we still live in the area.

I'm feeling really upset but I can’t process or regulate my feelings. Would you ask the mum who told her? I’m not happy someone is discussing this before I’ve had a chance. The only possible people I can think of are the ones who did the test with us. 6 other boys have been offered the grammar place from DS school too but I wouldn’t go around talking about them or naming them to the other mums.

Yes I feel I am overthinking and over reacting. I wish I had a switch to turn it off! Thank you all for your support. I’m reading and re-reading all your messages. I was feeling so overwhelmed all night and I’m feeling a little better now. I think I’ll tell my sisters today. I’m bracing for the sarcastic things they will say but I know I need to just tell people now.

@SittingNextToIt good idea! I think there is a Facebook page I saw but haven’t joined yet.

Should I message his friends mums today and officially tell them? He’s got 3 close friends.

I think the most important question is, how does your DS feel about leaving?

I can understand your emotions regarding this, we changed DS’s school in Y2 and it was such a difficult decision but ultimately it was the best for DS and it all worked out. The positive about your situation is that 6 other boys are going too.

I think after you’ve announced it you’ll feel much better.

@JennyWrenSeven he’s happy about leaving. We’ve never discussed financials in front of him directly but the day he found out he said “we can go on holidays again!”. He’s very young for his age and won’t turn 11 till August so I’m worried he’s not processing it properly yet. Should I speak to him and ask him what he’s looking most forward to his new school? I’ve been putting off asking him. Every time he talks about it he’s positive. His best friend is going too but I’m not close with the mum so have t spoken to her.

Surely all the kids are talking about where they will be going at this point, so just cut the ‘it’s not official, no one should be talking line’. You can’t control the narrative when kids are likely discussing things. No need to do any ‘official’ announcements. Surely, your ads just tells other kids and that filters through to their parents, or not. Such a load of unnecessary angst.

It’s totally normal for kids to start over at secondary - every kid at the grammar will be new to it and it’ll be a good thing for him both academically and socially to make that shift, and a great thing for you financially. If the only downside is this bit of a wobble when a mum is stressing that her son might be left behind so is trying to strengthen other friendships, then you’re well out of it. Sounds like a way too intense bubble and you’ll both be better off somewhere he can grow more independently. You just need to have the courage of your convictions and not give so much headspace to these things which will be all be a blur when he’s settled into the grammar.

@Undecidedd It sounds like your DS is looking forward to it which must be a huge relief for you. Yes, ask him what he’s looking forward to, keep it all positive.

In the meantime start by telling his friend’s mums (even though they probably already know) and go from there. It will be emotional for you but at least you know your DS isn’t upset about it.

Don’t assume malice when there’s an innocent explanation. More likely than not, DS has told his friends or one of the other parents who did the exam has been talking about it, and it’s simply coming up in chit chat.

You want to talk about things too much!
No need for an announcement. Tell people when it comes up.

Craft a simple sentence 'yes he's going to go to X school from September' and say no more. If people ask more give general banalities 'yes we thought it was the best option for him' 'we think it will suit him' 'we really hope he'll enjoy what they've got to offer'.

That's marvellous that your son is seeing the positives, go with that, he's happy to be with his best friend. Talk to him about the school, what he's looking forward to and planning a holiday. Tell your son that you're accepting the place and letting his old school know today, and that you will let his aunties and school friends mums know too.
Then just text them all something along the lines of 'Sadly Fred is going to leave xxxxx school in July as we can no longer afford it, but is going to yyyyy school with best friend which he is happy about.'
No need to mention the 11+ in particular to your sisters.
Then mute your sisters' messages and reply tomorrow. Just ignore the unkind messages.
When your son's friends parents reply tell them you'll arrange for the boys to get together in the summer holidays. And focus on their messages of support.
It is really good news he's been offered a place at the grammar school. Celebrate! Focus on spending some money on the extras he would have been offered at his current school like speech & drama, sports, and extra curricular that supports his interests. Hire a tutor if he's struggling academically.
He's going to be ok and so will you. You've not let him down, this is life at the moment for many people financially. You've given him a great start in life. And he will have a great future at the Grammar. Ignore your sisters as much as possible, just tell them the bare minimum.

My son is 9 and next year one of his best friends is going to private school. The boy told my son then the mum mentioned it casually when we saw each other next - it wasn’t a big deal and of course everyone has the choice to do what works for their family. I would say that I’ve probably encouraged other friendships this year just to make sure my own child still had a strong group of friends. So for that other mum, she might be feeling quite worried for any number of reasons.

No need for a massive announcement to anyone really, this is really only important for you and your son. I’d guess he’s told all his friends now anyway. Still months to go of this school year anyway.

Agree that you are completely over reacting.
If he was in a state primary school the discussion over secondary places would have happened weeks ago, with children going off to different schools and asking who's going to which. The only reason this hasn't happened I assume is because the private school continues to year 13 and there is an assumption that children continue through each year group.

It is likely your own son has told people he did the grammar tests and has named the school. It seems crazy that you are keeping it a secret. It doesn't really matter who told the mum your son he was leaving. All you need to say is yes, he will be off to whatever school in September.

I can understand the mum wanting to know about residential, as she may want to strengthen friendships with those who will be staying at the school rather than sharing a room with children who will be leaving.

In hindsight you should have said on secondary allocation day as there would have been more chat in general about this whereas now it has become more secretive (and you are more stressed) about revealing it.

Well, I wouldn't. I think (as this whole post shows) that this is a huge deal for you, but you should realise that it's a minor blip in the consciousness of everyone else.

You are very focussed on people "talking about you" - I doubt very much that anyone has specifically had a conversation about your DC; more that there's been a general discussion about which children are staying at the school for Year 7 and someone (and no one will remember who, if you do ask) will have said that your DC sat grammar tests so may well be off to the grammar.

It doesn't need an "official" announcement; just casually mention it when you see them next. Although DS will probably tell his friends so it will get passed along that way as well.

(on an entirely unrelated note, I'm surprised the children get entire free rein over who is in which room; residentials are generally used to encourage the children to mix with others, so they might be with one friend but then others they know less well).

You are cutting it fine leaving the grammar acceptance to today, have you accepted it? I don’t understand the angst. He’s done well, he’s moving to another school, it’s really ok.

Honestly it wasn't a secret as soon as you went to the 11 plus exam. Kids and parents talk.

Please dont risk your sons grammar place by not accepting it.

I think you need to stop focusing on other people and concentrate on your son and his move.

Have you congratulated him on doing so well and getting into grammar. Grammar is a great opportunity.

He will be just fine in grammar school and you’ll save a huge amount of money. Maybe someone just said oh my son is going to x school and 5 others would be going to as they were at the test. Unless they know your son was accepted, how would they know he was offered a place.

Seems odd the mum is going to tell her son not to share with yours as he is leaving. Who even does that? These mums are so nosey.

This is something to celebrate. Your clever boy got a grammar school place which will save you thousands of pounds. You will be able to spend money on holidays and clubs etc. How exciting for DS.

I would say to the parents of his good friends.
’I wanted to let you know that DS will be going to Grammar in September. He’s excited but will miss his buddies. Can we arrange a play in the summer holidays?

This is something to celebrate. Your clever boy got a grammar school place which will save you thousands of pounds. You will be able to spend money on holidays and clubs etc. How exciting for DS.

I would say to the parents of his good friends.
’I wanted to let you know that DS will be going to Grammar in September. He’s excited but will miss his buddies. Can we arrange a play in the summer holidays?

My DC is at a single sex grammar and half of their friends have come from private settings. They all seem very happy.

As for residential, if your son will beat the school for the residential, that’s all you have to reply - if you’re not ready to share the rest of the news.

Gently here, by you are being unreasonable. Your son won’t be there so of course they want to put down 5 people who will be so he gets the best chance of being in a room he is happy with.

You are leaving, you have to govern notice tomorrow so best get in with it. People talk, it isn’t malicious (usually) and you will have an easier time if you can try to start accepting that.

You are taking your son out of one school and putting him into another. That is your problem right now. Focusing on ensuring that the transition goes smoothly. That is your priority. Everything else is just background fluff. Ignore it. It's irrelevant. It doesn't matter who knows and who doesn't know. The only person that matters right now in this scenario is your son.

Loads of dc move at 11 to grammars. I am in a grammar county and moving to a grammar from 4-13 preps is normal. Other mums and their dc know he took the exams. Dc also chat! It’s not a secret and you need to get a move on with making a decision! It’s not fair to anyone.

Is he scared of girls ? They don’t bite. If you don’t have the money for private, you don’t. Be honest and get on with your decision. Residential? When is it? Next term or next school year? Make your decision and let everything flow from that and give dc confidence about the grammar. It will be fine!

No, you’re making far too much of this! Lots of children move around at 11

Also the fact that DS might be leaving I don’t want him excluded from things, he’s only 10. We can still keep in touch with friends as we still live in the area.

You need to accept that this may not happen. Kids are very fickle creatures and friends can easily be forgotten when they don’t see each other every day.