To feel upset and resentful at same time school places related

[Undecidedd]

DS started private school in Y3. We were hoping to keep him there till Y13 but due to certain unforeseen circumstances we cannot afford to anymore. We put his name down for the local state schools and he did the tests for local grammars too. Earlier this month he got an offer from our local grammar school. We were obviously very happy but it’s a tough decision. We actually have till 31st March to give notice to private school and today to accept offer for grammar.

What I’m upset about and reason for writing this post is that on Friday a random mum came up to me at pick up and asked if DS leaving. I told her we not sure and she said she heard from another mum (I wish I had asked her who!).

Yesterday I got a message from DS’s recent friend who joined at start of year 6 asking me if we leaving and to tell her quickly as he’s putting his name down for residential (5 names need to be written for who you want to stay in room with for residential trip in May).

im not good at explaining my feelings (I have childhood trauma which makes me unable to process my emotions appropriately). I feel upset that everyone seems to already know but I wanted to share it once we were officially gave out notice to school. I also feel guilty I didn’t tell the friends of DS but I was waiting. Also the fact that DS might be leaving I don’t want him excluded from things, he’s only 10. We can still keep in touch with friends as we still live in the area.

I'm feeling really upset but I can’t process or regulate my feelings. Would you ask the mum who told her? I’m not happy someone is discussing this before I’ve had a chance. The only possible people I can think of are the ones who did the test with us. 6 other boys have been offered the grammar place from DS school too but I wouldn’t go around talking about them or naming them to the other mums.

Six boys in the class have places at the grammar school. They will be talking about it, and not just to each other. Most of the children in the class will have an idea of who is staying/going, and some will talk about it at home. It’s not a secret, and it’s also not something you should be ashamed of. It’s actually an incredible achievement.

re the residential, the mum might be worried you are leaving before the trip, so doesn’t want to waste a place on the list if your DS won’t even be there.

Ex Year 6 teacher here with many years of experience teaching 10-11 year olds.

With class sizes of 30 children, the class dispersed to around 6 secondary schools per year. Some children kept in touch, the majority moved on to new schools and formed new friendship groups immediately.
Don't sweat over the small stuff, let your son enjoy his final term and get ready for the new adventure that awaits at secondary school.

If anything at our school it’s a matter of pride if one of the kids gets through to grammar. We are at a highly regarded private school. Don’t understand your hesitation as it’s not always about money but also about aspiration. If you play it as you are so proud of your son no one will be thinking about affordability.

Forget what anyone else is saying. Just carry on with your life! xo

Thank you everyone for the comments. Just to clarify the residential is in about 5 or 6 weeks. DS will still be in school as leaving in July. It upset me that the mum doesn’t want the boys to share a room as he’s leaving. The school does take into account the kids that put each other on the form.

Presumably your intelligent 10 year old who has sat the exams knows that he is maybe leaving? Did you expect him not to tell people?!

Just leave it. You will come across as a nutter! It's not a state secret. Your son has probably been talking about it...

I would choose grammar over private school everyday, even if I could afford it. I would most definitely choose grammar over a comprehensive.

FYI both grammar and comprehensives are state.

Both mine are in single sex grammar schools. One of which is number 3 nationally. The other in top 20. When going to grammar they are schooling with others of equal ability. Whilst private have entrance tests they are not at of the same level as grammar entrance tests, unless of course you’re talking of Eton etc… Comprehensives have no entrance tests and therefore a range of abilities to cater for - quiet children wanting to learn could be in classes all day with boisterous kids with no interest in learning.

Well done for getting your child into grammar school.

I think you are overthinking but it is stressful moving schools. However grammar will be equal to private in the education on offer I would have thought. There are good state schools but some have behaviour issues. If the school are not keeping behaviour under control it can get out of hand. I would be saying he is not leaving yet to everyone who asks or if you don’t want to tell them yet just say you are undecided. You don’t need to explain yourself.

I wonder if actually the other mum got confused and she's thinking your son might be leaving before the residential? You know how facts get muddled in Chinese whispers!! So it's not her excluding your son because he might be leaving in the summer, but it's her (mistakenly) not wanting to put the name of a child who won't be there by the residential? If you see what I mean?!

Very normal for parents to speculate plus they might be asking because they want to make their own plans (like the residential). Just be honest with them and if you know you’re going, tell the school asap.

I think you’re feeling anxious about moving him and projecting onto the parents. I’d let it go and move on. Plus you can’t be absolutely sure that your DS himself didn’t say something.

Tell those pressuring you that you havent decided yet and will let them know when you have.
Is your son being badgered about this by friends at school ,has he mentioned anyone asking?

So your son puts this boy on his form and their friendship will be taken into account.

Unfortunately, whether it is upsetting for you or not, it's an overwhelming likelihood that your child will not stay friends with this other boy once they are in different schools. The boy's mum is encouraging him to get to know others, so he won't miss your DS so much next year. They will still see each other at school and all the activities.

If your DS had the chance to get to know someone who was going to his new school, would you tell him he must focus on existing friendships instead, knowing he won't see these children after the next few months? I highly doubt it.

I think the school will allocate the rooms as they see fit anyway and they’ll know the friendship groups as well as anyone else. 5 names is a lot so surely they won’t all get their full list in any scenario.

It’s very unlikely they’ll maintain a friendship. My daughter had a best friend from day 1 in p1 - they were together nonstop for years. She went to private in p7 and they tried for a year or so but it’s naturally fizzled - more on her side than my daughter’s as she had new and interesting experiences and my daughter was left behind. And they only live 3 blocks away so have been able to walk to each others houses for years. Your son is going to meet all sorts of new and fun friends and he will likely forget about his old school more quickly than you think.

Am sure he’ll have a great time at the residential, nice way to say goodbye!

This all seems ovely dramatic. DS has probably been chatting to his friends about it. Kids change schools all the time. Why the need for a big formal announcement to family and friends?

Leave it. What are you going to do if you find out who mentioned it? They weren't to know you wanted to keep quiet, and they probably assumed you wouldn't have thought you could keep something as obvious as that a secret.

Don't overthink it, you can't control this sort of thing. It's understandable that your son's name won't be put down for residential as other parents are looking for future friendships for their dc.

It's all a bit sad but that' where we are with precious 21st century parenting. Even more in private school.

100% your child has told other kids he is leaving, other kids have then told their parents.

In the nicest possible way, you need to slightly pull yourself together, and help your son deal with the transition rather than worrying so much about yourself.

Kindly, I think you are overthinking this! The news was going to come out. Was the grammar school test on a week day or a weekend? DS was at a 3 - 18 school but lots move for secondary and all of the boys knew who was applying for where - and who got places - as they saw each other at the open days and then again on the test days or were just chatting about it at school. And then the parents will mention it to each other too, usually entirely innocently. For example, DS came home one day and said “Charlie was at X school test today” as, when the teacher had done the register, she’d said “no Charlie today” and another boy had said where he was. Likewise, I was chatting to the mum of a boy who had applied to one school
and mentioned that I knew another boy had applied there too. Remember the other parents might be feeling nervous or have other emotions around their child leaving. Perhaps a mum of one of the other grammar school boys wasn’t planning on this for her son either and so is reassuring herself - and also said to others - that at least her DS will know some other people at the grammar school as, on the test day, he saw your son and named the others too.
The source of the information doesn’t matter. What can matter is how you present it, and how you present it to your DS. For you, it is obviously upsetting as this wasn’t your Plan A. But it is up to you whether you say that or not.
Also bear in mind that friendships in every school change in Yr6 as people find out where they’re off to next. If you realise that others who you haven’t previously mixed with are off to the same school as you but none of your actual friends are, it’s normal to start mixing with those people as you are nervous about secondary and want to make friends with them. Sadly, this does also mean that some people feel a bit isolated as their friendship group is all going to the same place and they naturally start talking about that and you can’t join in the conversation in the same way. Be prepared for friendships to evolve. DC1 is now in Yr11 and is still good friends with her best friend from primary school despite not being at school with her former years but has lost touch with a couple of her other closer friends —which doesn’t actually surprise me as I was never sure what they had in common—. DC2 is in Yr9. Of his friendship group of 5, three of them went to one school and the other two went to separate schools. He lost touch with the two others quite quickly, one of the ones who went to the same secondary is now in an entirely different friendship group at secondary but he & DS get on still and the final boy remains one of his best friends.

Also you need to slightly get over yourself with the whole "officially telling people", this is a very important subject for you, but for everyone else its a small footnote in their day.

You are not obliged to respond! Is it a through school or prep? Others are likely to leave at year 6 so not worth discussing it. Unfortunately there are some parents who like to do a mental checklist of who stays and who goes.

@Undecidedd I think this mum is a bit absorbed about friendships for her DS. However you need to tell the school. Dc are usually asked who they want to share with and parents don’t influence this.

Well it’s not very nice that the other parents at the test gossiped about it, because if some of the kids didn’t pass the test they might not want others to know. Probably the other parents are partly asking if you are leaving as a proxy for asking if DS pssed
the test.

in your case luckily you can answer that yes he has been offered a place at the grammar and you are taking it up

I also say leave it. It's probably likely your DS has talked about it. It's going to be a big change for him and he has the right to talk about his life to his friends. FWIW mine are in an independent also and there has been a huge amount of talk of who is leaving, who has left etc- because of the impact of VAT mainly. It's a common topic of conversation among everyone. For example, DS1 is in a (loose) friendship group of 6 boys and he is the only one staying for sure- and there is one other who may be staying but they have applied for a specialist drama school and as yet as far as I know don't know the outcome, so he might be the sole person staying.

Re your DS not being put down for the residential- well that's silly. But if he is going then he will have the chance to put down who he wants to room with so it's a non-issue essentially. The other mum is being a bit wet, and that's a shame, but it's not a hill to die on.

if you are leaving then just let a few people know and the word will get out. you don't need big announcements, although I understand it's a huge thing for you.

Everyone knows someone that's leaving. It's no big deal. Be thankful that your son passed the 11+. Despite having had very small class sizes and specialist teachers, not all do, and find the transition to the local comprehensive quite recalibrating.