To buy my DD alcohol for a party?

[YouBelongWithMe]

My daughter (16, soon to be 17) is going to her first proper house party next week.

I know the kids, they are lovely but also every so slightly older (year above) and I know there will be alcohol there.

I would rather have the conversation about drinking options, tolerances, sensible drinking and then buy her something instead of her sending money to someone for a share in a bottle of cheap vodka of whatever.

Is this irresponsible? For context, so as to not drip feed, I am a teacher who knows the teens at the party, so they'd probably find out I'd supplied it to her.

It is not illegal for a teenager to drink alcohol. Only for them to buy it. So op won’t be involved in some kind of crime which will jeopardise her career.

The reality is that she is probably going to drink regardless of wether you bought some for her.

Id much rather be in control of that, than have her drinking strong spirits etc. that someone else has bought

I bought mine alcohol to take to parties from when they were 16. I’d far rather know what they are drinking than them blagging stuff from their mates.

DS rang me one night to ask how to sober his friend up. He’d been told he wasn’t allowed to drink by his parents and had just had a bit of everyone else’s and was far, far more drunk than those drinking the one thing they’d taken.

I always drummed in to them to ring me in any sort of emergency. I ended up with about 10 kids sleeping on my floor one night when a party had gone wrong and they’d all lied to their parents about where they were going, so couldn’t go home.

My opinion is that it’s much better to keep the trust and lines of communication open. Don’t give them reason to start sneaking about behind your back.

Leaving aside the fact that you're a teacher and the legal side...and also I hear what you say about preferring to do it for her than drink behind her back etc but fundamentally I think buying alcohol for teens is a subtle encouragement.

I know teens will probably buy booze anyway etc. But I grew up with a father who had a drinking problem and who encouraged me to drink from a fairly early age. All very middle class, wine with a meal type drinking, but it embedded the idea that alcohol was normal and natural. I never developed a serious drinking problem (more through luck than judgement) but it took me a long time to realise that having to have a drink in any social environment wasn't normal.

So much of our problem with alcohol as a society is based on the fact that everyone constantly normalises it and underlines the idea that you can't have fun without it. I don't want to encourage my daughter to drink at all.

I accept that she may, probably will, drink socially when the time comes and I won't go nuts when she does, but I don't want to play any role in encouraging it. If that makes me an old puritan, so be it.

Well, I am 61 and my parents did. As did those of my friends. It would have been a bottle of wine or martini (!) between a few of us. They were both teachers though not at my school.

Much better to have the conversation, and ask her plans as you are proposing. She might not want to take any alcohol in any case.

I think your approach sounds very sensible, but to avoid all trouble on the professional front, would suggest you have the responsible drinking/call us anytime conversation and get her dad to purchase it. And if you're really concerned, maybe you just buy something for yourselves and leave it there and she happens to take some all of her own accord from the general house provisions...

www.drinkaware.co.uk/facts/information-about-alcohol/alcohol-and-the-law/the-law-on-alcohol-and-under-18s#/overview

Across the UK, if you’re under 18 it’s against the law:

• For someone to sell you alcohol
• To buy or try to buy alcohol
• For an adult to buy or try to buy alcohol on your behalf
• To drink alcohol in licensed premises, like a pub or restaurant (although there is a limited exception for 16 and 17 year olds – see below)

In England, Scotland and Wales, it’s not illegal for someone between the ages of five and 17 to drink alcohol at home or on other private premises. But this does not mean it is recommended.

How times have changed since my own teens in the 90s happy and stable woman in her 40s now so didn’t do us any harm.
Where did all the fun go? I’d buy it and let the kids enjoy their youth - Like all the people saying no way probably did.

Yes, I bought alcohol for ds's when they were 16 /17 for house parties.
I also made it clear that they could call me and I'd be right there if they ( or their friends) needed me to be.
Some parents are pretty naive when it comes to this age group.

Google teachers standards.

Buying for their own kid to drink under supervision would be fine.

Buying for their own kid to take to a party with kids she doesn't have professional contact with would also be fine (eg. If she taught in the next town over)

The potential issues is if the DD shares the alcohol with OP's students. Not a good look if an intoxicated teen tells everyone it was Mrs X from school who brought the alcohol.

As per your last paragraph - she will be on private premises.

We send DS to parties with 4 ciders or beers, and have done since he was 16. He’s never been in any trouble and hasn’t (to our knowledge) been messy drunk. He knows to call us if he wants picking up, literally any time.

I bought both of mine cider/lager as I didn't want them on spirits though I am sure they tried them anyway.

As a teacher I would be very wary about buying anything.

I wouldn't buy it or recommend the husband buying it only if it got you into trouble at school. That's the only issue I have, otherwise I think it's a sensible plan. People get very uppity about buying teens alcohol when if they are going to drink, they will do it anyway. I used to bring alcohol to parties when I was 18 but didn't actually bother/have an interest in drinking it

They’ll all have it - she’s probably a later starter. Get your husband to get her some and have no knowledge of it…

Kids have it provided as standard by sixth form.

I’ve a teen the same age. She has two cans of premixed cocktail for a party that we give to take with her her and if she has anything extra that’s on her to source and deal with the repercussions. So far she’s been really sensible even when her friends around her haven’t been. I don’t drink at all but have quite a relaxed attitude towards teens drinking (in moderation) because it’s going to happen whether I consent or not. The most important bit is removing the rebellion, not making it cool (cos mum consents it can’t be cool) and being open and honest about it all. Outright denying only leads to what my peers did which was sneak off to a field and wake up the next morning with a police search looking for them and seriously pissed off parents.

my mum was a party animal and my rebellion was not to drink. That pissed her off no end for years

I know my 15 (nearly 16) year old has drank alcohol on a couple of occasions. My nearly 18 year old rarely drinks, never drunk, I’ve never stopped him but we have had honest conversations about the benefits/ enjoyment of alcohol and the risks.

I have bought alcohol at an event for a 17 year old sensible nephew.

Maybe I am in a weird teen ecosystem here but there is a lot less alcohol here and very little heavy drinking. I don’t think I’d buy her alcohol to bring to a party I wasn’t at, but maybe mixers!

No problem with older teens drinking but they should sort it out themselves. There is no need to snowplow alcohol for them.

I’d get her some of those healthier alternatives in a can .. hard seltzer? Not full of crap. I’d tell her not to say you got them, say a friend did or a cousin. My mum used to get me drink and it meant I was more honest with her.

I did the same for my DD when she started going to parties- my thinking was at least I had some control over what she was drinking
I never taught at her school though
When she had her 16th birthday party I supplied low alcohol beer (bud?)and some cider (I did a ‘live’ chat on Mumsnet (2021?)
Her friends all turned up with bottles of spirits (!)
As it turns out she doesn’t really drink much now!!

At 16 my mum and dad said beer and cider only for parties, wine in the house, spirits only to be enjoyed in the company of family (tequila at Christmas, sometimes gin and tonics with mum in the garden…). I did start drinking younger but I was the wild child. The other 5 were all much better and stuck to the rules…. There’s always one though 🙄.

That’s probably what I’ll do for my kids, it worked well for us and is working well for my brother and SIL (their kids are older).

What do you mean by drinking some real crap? She could get just as drunk and sick drinking Châteauneuf du Pape as any old crap. Also, you buying her booze for this party will not stop her being secretive about what else, when or how much she drinks. Speaking as a teacher and mother of a 17yo and a 20yo.

I don't agree with parents supplying their kids with alcohol. I feel like part og growing up is the figuring out how to get it and the fear of being caught. Also buying 2 ciders really does not mean they are drinking 2 ciders. Parents belive it teaches to drink responsibly where as some studies have shown it actually leads to then drinking more heavily.

This. My friends mum used to buy us 3 ciders each, thinking that was limiting our intake. As if. It was just 3 less we had to source elsewhere. I won't be buying my dc alcohol. I hardly drink now myself.

Oh feel like a shit mum now. Dds at uni so all in the past but i always got her 2 M&S canned cocktails to take to a party. 1 usually came home in her bag. She never can home in a state.

So you think we should let them ‘acquire’ alcohol for themselves? Which is illegal.

Can you quote the studies that show that providing teens with limited alcohol leads to them drinking more heavily?