To buy my DD alcohol for a party?

[YouBelongWithMe]

My daughter (16, soon to be 17) is going to her first proper house party next week.

I know the kids, they are lovely but also every so slightly older (year above) and I know there will be alcohol there.

I would rather have the conversation about drinking options, tolerances, sensible drinking and then buy her something instead of her sending money to someone for a share in a bottle of cheap vodka of whatever.

Is this irresponsible? For context, so as to not drip feed, I am a teacher who knows the teens at the party, so they'd probably find out I'd supplied it to her.

I’m a teacher, so is my husband and lots of my friends - we have all taught our teenagers to drink responsibly by doing this since they were 16. Many of my colleagues do too.

It is not illegal for a 16 yr old to drink alcohol in a private house. I would have a chat with the parents whose house the party is at, to find out a) will they be there? (Surely?) and b) what are they expecting re alcohol?
You could always buy whatever you decide is appropriate and drop it off at the house pre-party if you feel that would be better than handing g it you her on her way to the party.

Why can she not say her Dad bought it for her? Or she just took it from home.

I think introducing her to alcohol at a party is the worst time to do it. From about 14 Ds1 had sips of whatever alcohol we had at home which was beer, wine, fruit cider, bucks fizz.

We taught him about measures of alcohol that would be served in a pub, that included both spirits and wine. He likes fruit cider ie Kopparberg. There are non-alcoholic versions of the cider. She also doesn't need to drink anything alcoholic.

Tell her she can call you at any point if she wants to leave, fake a headache if she must. Ds2 is 20 and has never had any alcohol. It doesn't appeal to him in smell or taste or what it does to the body.

Dh I and don't drink alcohol.

Whatever she thinks she might take to the party give her that now so she can drink it under your supervision. Talk to her about how long it takes to feel the effects of alcohol, drink water in between etc.

I’m a teacher. I helped DS decant vodka into water bottles to take into Reading festival when he was 17 because I’d rather he drunk something that he knew what it was.
It was August. I’m a mum in August.

I always think the argument of “it’s better she drinks the small bottle of cider you buy than neat vodka from someone else” is ridiculously naive. If she’s going to drink the cheap vodka, she’ll just drink it after the cider.

But they will get hold of it anyway?

Yes I would buy it. It would be bought for my personal use in my house….and I would tell her where it was and that I probably wouldn’t. notice if it went missing.

Theres an awful lot of gasping on this thread that I wouldn’t expect from British millennials / Gen X who were half dead in a ditch in the 90’s……..

Ok.....now let's get ourself back into the real world.....

My parents never brought me any alcohol to go to parties with. And I certainly never attended any parties when I was 16 in friends' houses where their parents bought us alcohol.

Yes OP. You are doing the best thing by buying something for her and having that conversation. That’s the route we took with our teens. Easier to buy a 4 pack of beer than have them drink dodgy tequila and rum and vodka in unknown quantities plus the added benefit of enabling the discussion.

The teacher aspect that people are frothing over is a load of righteous bollocks. Of course your profession has zero impact on whether you can buy your own child alcohol. Gross misconduct 😂. What utter shite some people spout.

Sounds like the others are pretty much 18 though

Neither did mine. So I ended up drinking irresponsibly with people I shouldn't, in places I shouldn't. It's what I'm trying to avoid...

Yes, it is an 18th. Most of them are 18 or very close to turning 18.

I’m really curious about the gross misconduct thing (not in UK) - does it really count as that in this situation when it’s the person’s own child?

Sorry but I don’t think it matters one iota that it’s soon the Easter Hols and they’ll be leaving to do their exams. Surely you know they’re still pupils of the school?

Yes I would buy some for her.

I have no idea whether being a teacher you could get in trouble here, would expect you’d have a better idea. But it you want to me safe then yeh have your husband provide it.

just to add I remember teachers giving us bucks fizz during lessons when I was in sixth form 20 years ago (special occasions such as last day of term)

I am not a teacher. I also keep some cans of Thatchers cider in the fridge for my 16(!) Yr DS when he goes out with friends. It's not every time, just for parties.

I don't specifically buy it for him, as I sometimes drink it too, but don't mind him taking 2 or 3 for those occasions. I prefer this to him drinking something unknown.

As a parent, I agree with your instinct to get something like a few can of cider (NOT white lightning!!) but maybe the alcohol free ones instead, given your job.

I suppose if you or your husband drink fruity cider, the cans look quite similar between the alcoholic and the non-alcoholic ones so she could accidentally take the wrong ones from the cupboard get away with fooling her friends...?

These were my thoughts initially also! I have a child similar age and have bought her alcohol for parties on strict condition that she only drinks what she brings herself. Did the same with older child before her. I drank at that age unknown to my parents as did my friends so I feel that not buying them the alcohol won’t stop them drinking!

Responsible drinking needs to be discussed and guided if they feel the need to try it. The more prohibited, the greater the attraction. You know your DD. I let mine take some. All now have a very good relationship with alcohol. 1 doesn’t drink. 2 do. Some of their uni friends really had a difficult time at uni as they had never learnt to regulate. 2 of their uni friends ended up in A&E - very poorly.
Personally I would get her some. But that’s me and I realise that some would view me as irresponsible.

As a parent, I think it's fine, as a teacher to the other kids it could get you in quite a bit of trouble. Maybe you need to go out for a bit while she asks her dad

Bloody hell. Probably an age thing. I would do it without hesitation. It used to be a right of passage to try to get served. That isn't possible now.
Would I want to give my 17year old a 4 pack of something or say ' nope - cant do that' and trust they wouldn't do something else much more toxic or more likely to lead to bad decisions. The being a teacher bit - to means you already think about the best for all kids so trust your instinct.

You giving her alcohol will not stop them buying it , it just means more alcohol at the party. She’s underage ! Tell her if she does drink to always alternate between glass of alcohol with glass of water and to wait at least half an hour between and the second she feels even slightly drunk to stop !

Can’t comment on the teacher angle but I certainly allowed my DD’s to take alcohol with them to parties and other parents all did the same, the more affluent families provided alcohol (my dd was invited to a 16th party and on the invitation it said please do not bring drinks with you, I presumed wrongly it was due to their beliefs as they were Asian,i didn’t know their religion, but no it was because they had a wine cellar with more square footage than my house and owned a vineyard, they just didn’t want plonk brought into their house, my dd and her friend were a bit tipsy on collecting!

My dd 17 is allowed to take a bottle of wine (not a high % one!) or Prosecco from the house, which is what she prefers.

I trust her not to drink a lot of it and so far she hasn’t let me down on that.

Love this!