Partners family have a habit of not saying goodbye

[PockerMaus]

So until recently it's just my partner's dad who seems to have this issue. Whenever he has stayed with us in the past he seems to have dipped out early in the morning without saying goodbye (my partners family all live about 4 hours away). It upset my partner in the past but he has a turbulent relationship with his dad anyway.

This weekend we had two of his aunties and his cousin come and stay. They drove down on Saturday, we cooked them lunch, went for a nice walk and then had pancakes for tea and watched a film. It seemed like a lovely day and they all went to bed and said see you tomorrow.

We have an 8 month old son who thankfully (after 7 months of awful sleep) now sleeps through on most occasions. I woke up around 6 and 7 and couldn't hear anything and our son was still asleep so went back to sleep. My partner and I woke up at 8am and went downstairs to find a note written on some kitchen roll saying thank you for the food, had to go. They then messaged to say they had been up since 3am unable to sleep and needed to get home.

Tbh I find it really rude, after hosting these people and they just leave without saying goodbye. We sleep with our door open so it's not like we were shut away and not like we woke up late. I haven't replied to their messages and feel that they've let my partner down as it's something he has always been upset about when his dad does it.

Would you be offended by this or not think it's a particularly big deal? My partner said they may not have wanted to wake us up as we have a baby but he sleeps in his own room and they know that he sleeps through the night now so it's not like we're sleep deprived.

I just feel like saying something to them that this wasn't ok but also don't want to be overreacting and falling out with the in laws. Maybe I just need to rant haha. I just know I wouldn't stay at someone's house and then leave without saying goodbye.

Yeah fine if that was the plan, but when we'd agreed to do things in the morning seems a bit odd.

Haha maybe I'm just odd and enjoy seeing family so wouldn't look at it as such a burden. But hey ho! I see your point.

Do they suffer from anxiety?

I know a few people who like the 'idea' of going away and staying with people, but when they get there they are overwhelmed and just want to go home. In their case I think it's linked to anxiety, they don't feel 'safe' unless they are in their own home.

I’d find it a bit odd, but I wouldn’t be offended, no. The fact that you don’t know why they felt they needed to leave doesn’t mean that they didn’t have a reason. I can certainly see why they felt it was more polite to leave a note and slip off than to wake you up at the crack of a dawn on a Sunday morning just to say goodbye.

Hmm I get your point. But if I was aware that that was something that had upset my host in the past.

I'm not tiptoeing around my nephew and his wife if they're going to get upset that I've had almost no sleep, and so I want to get home.

So being aware isn't going to make any difference.

Besides, I would expect some empathy regardless of how 'upset' they may get.

They didn't know you'd be up at 8am.

You think they left at 5am so they were almost home by time you were up. Just accept they didn't sleep for whatever reason and left.

Your DH is fine with their explanation.

Enjoy your Sunday.

YANBU OP. Very weird. They really shouldn't be staying in other people's homes as guests if they lack basic manners and their response to having a bad night's sleep is to get up and go in the middle of the night!!

Thank god there's some people that agree with me 😂

I think they left around 7:55 as I heard the Stairgate which is when I started getting ready.

That's the thing, my partner isn't happy about it.

I'd think it was a bit odd but wouldn't be offended. They obviously wanted to get home and didn't want to disturb you so early. They did leave a note thanking you so it's not as if they just sneaked out in the night!

That's maybe just where we differ :) I wouldn't go and stay at a family members house, let them cook for me etc and then bug out purposefully before they awake to avoid saying goodbye.

Empathy works both ways though. If I knew a family member of mine (yes he's their nephew but more like a sibling relationship) had been upset by an action, I wouldn't repeat that action.

I respect other people's opinion though, that's why I made this post :) I only know from my own perception.

Ahhh, more info has been added since I replied.
If you had made arrangements to go out for breakfast, and if it had been arranged for your mum to come over and spend time with your aunts, then Yes, I do think it's weird they altered all the plans and left early.

Okay your update that you had plans that day and they weren’t planning to leave first thing does change things and makes it stranger that they cut the visit short.
If the driver was really tired they could have perhaps missed the breakfast and had a nap or worked something else out.

And yes them actually knowing that it upsets your DH when his dad does this makes it stranger. Perhaps that’s why they left the note.. it does seem unusual behaviour.

I wouldn’t say it’s rude, more a bit odd if it’s something they make a habit of doing like you say….but out of interest if it’s usual they do this then why did you bother making plans for breakfast and them meeting your Mum?

Is it normally the same reason for them leaving early?

If I had been up since 3am I wouldn’t want to be going out for breakfast, socialising and then having a long drive home after either.

I would actually much prefer guests to leave early and a note than a long drawn out goodbye or waiting for guests to leave, that’s the worst!

I wouldn’t have wanted to knock on your door and wake you up TBF. What if you’d been shagging? A polite note and a quick escape far better.

Bit odd that they knew you’d arranged/ suggested something for breakfast but maybe they just felt too rough after a bad night’s sleep and thought it didn’t matter that much as you (I think) hadn’t booked and paid or anything.

Oh they've never done it before, his dad has a habit of doing it. His dad has many issues, along with alcoholism so I think it's just another thing to add to the pile of why he upsets my partner.

Haha I don't understand all this 'dont want to hang around and long drawn out goodbyes'. I make the most of the time with my family :) but I guess that's because my brother died at 29 so I know what it's like when they're no longer here and you can't go and visit them.

Hey ho, appreciate your perspective thank you :)

It sounds like it’s just their ways of doing things. And they left a note. I wouldn’t be annoyed.

Hahah I'd be lucky 😂😂

But yeah fair point! I just wouldn't do it myself as I'd feel rude but everyone is different I suppose!

If both Dad and his sisters have this habit, it seems like there might be more of a family link about it. Are they all insomniacs? Do they have OCD about using strange bathrooms? Are they all a bit anxious? I’d be looking for some personality traits or background that could explain this! My assumption would be they all don’t feel comfortable in other people’s homes. I guess the aunts couldn’t sleep, waited 5 hours (I’m guessing this is 3am summer time) which is a long time in the night and then felt in desperate need to go home.
Of course it would be nicer if they’d stayed to say goodbye, but I sense there might be some social awkwardness here on their part??
Overall I’d be a bit surprised/disappointed but you have learned about the aunts for the future and won’t be surprised next time!

Same.

Almost every one of OP's posts are all about her and what she wouldn't/wouldn't do etc.

People are different and when you add in that they got no sleep, leaving a note and going without waking them should be understandable to anyone, no matter what you are or aren't like yourself.

That's the point of this post though, I only know from my perspective so seeing how other people view it :)

Ah apologies, I thought the Dad was there who normally does it….In which case it’s a one off and because they couldn’t sleep.

I wouldn’t take it personally or get upset over it, but yes we’re all different.

Perhaps DH is over sensitive because it’s something his Dad makes a habit of doing.

That's totally understandable!

Unfortunately though it's not going to change/help anything! All you can do really is be there for him & your relationship will be his rock, not his extended family. It is hard to feel let down by extended family when a much loved parent dies.

I think it is weird. Any possibility they thought they would have to offer to pay for everyone’s breakfast as you had cooked and hosted? Maybe they were avoiding that.

Yanbu op, I think that's really weird and rude! They should at least have waited till you got up, and given you had plans I think they should have stayed for the breakfast and seeing your mum. It's really rude to leave early without a discussion and especially rude to sneak out! I wouldn't invite them again.