To think that someone working for a local DV shelter should know what coercive/financial control looks like

[DoDoDahliaDiamond]

To think that someone working for a local DV shelter should know what coercive/financial control looks like.

Should additionally understand how post separation joint bank accounts work. (No love, it’s not that simple)

AND that BEFORE you are led to explain in great, triggering detail what your own, personal, hellscape looked like before you finally escaped, explain that you would be required to give up your job (the only thing left keeping you sane, supported and independent.)

And why someone seeking help ,might not want to hand over the final shreds of their life to the unknown when you’ve just escaped from a similar-looking relationship.

I think it’s a bit of a myth/wishfull thinking/assumption that these organisations understand these things. My local council’s housing department say it isn’t DV unless there is physical violence.. financial and psychological abuse don’t count. I was reading a thread on another forum and the woman was trying to leave - refuge offered her a place for £500 per week! She also wanted to keep her job to remain independent. (Not able to as she didn’t earn enough to cover the cost of refuge) also if you have savings you can basically wave goodbye to them. And what happens to the perpetrator? Nothing in most cases

Did they not understand, or did they understand but disagree?

PinkFrogss · Today 12:44 Did they not understand, or did they understand but disagree?

It became increasingly obvious that they had no idea how banks and joint accounts work, How they could be used to control the other party and had no idea how a internet savvy/ IT expert can manipulate
things.

She didn’t really understand how the subtle nudges of coercive control actually work.

I don’t think she had any training in that sort of thing.

I wasted an hour of both our lives. Not to mention the trauma of remembering everything so she could type it into her form.

“we won’t help you unless you give up your job” should be the very first thing they say.

You are very derogatory to this person. If you have so much better knowledge of everything and are so much clever no love it’s not that simple. Why are you seeking their advice?

If the advisor/ counsellor isn’t a volunteer and on a payroll, and this is their job, they should understand all aspects of control including financial and emotional.
op is clearly at the end of her tether, has gone somewhere to get some advice/ help, having clearly gone through a hell of an ordeal, and has been left frustrated by incompetence/ lack of training. I’m sure there are times when you feel frustrated by poor service Popinjay. If it’s a volunteer service, then it’s slightly different, but lack of training needs to be highlighted.

They sound very poorly trained OP.

Apart from the IT thing, as lots of people wouldn't understand it to that extent.

I can't follow about half of this. Are you sure they weren't just struggling to understand you?

PoppinjayPolly · Today 14:22 You are very derogatory to this person. If you have so much better knowledge of everything and are so much clever no love it’s not that simple. Why are you seeking their advice?

I was very careful not to be derogatory to her during the appointment. She was a paid employee who should be trained to understand and support people who are traumatised and possibly at the very end of their tether.

I was traumatised and extremely frustrated by the end of the encounter.

I don’t want other DV survivors to be forced into the same potentially traumatising situation.

BombayMixIsTheBestMix · Today 14:40 I can't follow about half of this. Are you sure they weren't just struggling to understand you?

Good job you’re not a domestic abuse worker then isn’t it?

You haven't said what he was doing so it's difficult to say if she should have understood or not. IT and joint bank accounts? Close the joint account and get your own? He works in IT? How does that affect bank accounts? I assume he somehow controls the finances but it's very vague.

Does the organisation advertise that they can advise on financial control? I imagine it’s only a small group of people, if any, who are trained to the extent of giving practical advice to people with an ITV savvy partner who uses this to manipulate joint accounts - it sounds like the kind of thing that could turn into risky financial advice that they’re not qualified to give.

But once the conversation veered into this territory they should have explained they are unable to advise, and sign posted elsewhere.

Coercive control is something I’d definitely expect them to be able to support with. Can you raise your concerns with the organisation? Phone calls may be recorded so they can listen to the conversation and see where training is needed.

I would expect someone who is a domestic abuse advisor to be able to recognise domestic abuse in all its forms.
I would expect them to know that you can’t just shut a joint account or bar the abuser from it.

I would expect them to be able to recognise gaslighting and isolationary techniques.
I would expect them to be able to signpost more specific help with other organisations if they were not an expert themselves.

AND ABOVE ALL I WOULD EXPECT THEM NOT TO BE THE CAUSE OF FURTHER TRAUMA IN THE FIRST PLACE.

I worked closely with an agency of this description and their hopeless with the homeless as well. How they keep their jobs with such attitude, problems and lack of knowledge you could probably cope with one or the other I don’t know.

catipuss ·You haven't said what he was doing so it's difficult to say if she should have understood or not. IT and joint bank accounts? Close the joint account and get your own? He works in IT? How does that affect bank accounts? I assume he somehow controls the finances but it's very vague

Deliberately vague catipuss. I’m not asking for your help .

Does this site have any of the information you are after? They’ve got lots of help pages but this seems most relevant: https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/i-need-help/de-linking-from-the-abuser/separating-your-finances/

Worth having a look through if you haven’t already come across them. Not sure if there’s a way you can contact them

I get you, @DoDoDahliaDiamond. Maybe you have to have been through it to ‘get’ it.

Sounds like the Counsellor my ex wife was very keen on at Relate has changed careers

Yes you have my sympathies sounds like they are in the wrong job

PinkFrogss Does the organisation advertise that they can advise on financial control? I imagine it’s only a small group of people, if any, who are trained to the extent of giving practical advice to people with an ITV savvy partner who uses this to manipulate joint accounts - it sounds like the kind of thing that could turn into risky financial advice that they’re not qualified to give.

I was signposted to her after approaching a council’s homeless unit. She was a paid employee working alongside the council.

The appointment was in council offices. I was aghast, not that she had no specific knowledge of how post-separation joint accounts work, but that she didn’t sign-post me onwards to someone who DID KNOW.

I had already had two appointments with my bank and have done what I can to ameliorate the problem. If I hadn’t have already done this I would have believed her advice was sound. I wonder how many of the clients she sees have believed that all they had to do was shut the joint account after taking her advice?

You’re saying that in order to get a room at a Dv shelter you have to give up your job?

Walksspecial. You’re saying that in order to get a room at a Dv shelter you have to give up your job?

Yes, she would not help unless I was prepared to give up my job.She dressed up as “you have to be on benefits because the rent is over £300 a week"

It should have been the very first thing she said.

Why are you being deliberately vague?

How much do you earn?

Where are you currently living?

plims Why are you being deliberately vague?

Because I’m not asking for help.

So sorry you had to deal with this op. I was a victim of abuse and I've been through similar, you try to turn to the help that's allegedly out there and it's like they're trained to only deal with one set of specific circumstances, anything falling outside of those circumstances they're clueless. I swear you can see their brain short circuiting!

And the fact that you need to give up your job to access help is quite possibly the most moronic thing I've ever heard.