To think that someone working for a local DV shelter should know what coercive/financial control looks like

[DoDoDahliaDiamond]

To think that someone working for a local DV shelter should know what coercive/financial control looks like.

Should additionally understand how post separation joint bank accounts work. (No love, it’s not that simple)

AND that BEFORE you are led to explain in great, triggering detail what your own, personal, hellscape looked like before you finally escaped, explain that you would be required to give up your job (the only thing left keeping you sane, supported and independent.)

And why someone seeking help ,might not want to hand over the final shreds of their life to the unknown when you’ve just escaped from a similar-looking relationship.

Actually, I was posting so that you knew that despite what you might have been told, you would still be able to access a shelter. I thought that might be helpful to you so that you would be encouraged to seek further help. I have been in a very abusive marriage, and being armed with information helped.

Unfortunately you can't close a joint back account unless both parties agree and sign, you also can't come off a joint back account unless both par8es sign and agree and only then if there is no over draft. If he's making sure the account is always in over draft you basically can't come out of the joint account. Its a very difficult situation to be in, same goes for any bills I both names, both parties have to sign to agree to come off the accounts and it can become and very easy way to control someone financially whej trying to leave or set up on your own once you've or they have left. Sorry, I won't let me change typos

Re bank accounts, I left my ex when he was away on a stag weekend. I left early that morning, and when I was several hours away, I transferred half of the contents of our joint account to another account I had opened a week earlier. Is that an option?

You can still be named on those bills without having to pay them though
There’s nothing to stop you transferring your share of the cash into a account. That’s just in your name but it is going to be a red flag so it’s the kind of thing you do as you walk out the door.

When my ex and I split up we rang the bank together and just took her name off the joint account

Obviously I had a job and there was no overdraft

It might be worth reading the thread, John. I assume yours was easy to sort because you were not abusing your ex

??????? SMH

The accommodation costs are so high because they include support from the staff and most of the utilities, I have known them to be 8-900 a week for a single women which the refuge can only claim if the residents are on full benefits because there are not many people able to afford that from their wages, it’s wrong to have to leave your employment but sadly these places are run as businesses now

They are not run as a business. They are registered charities.

@DoDoDahliaDiamond Was this a free service or are you paying them?

They are registered charities which they run like businesses, as do almost all charities - I have known people to be evicted due to them not receiving the full rent allowance, not very charitable is it?

This is nothing applicable to ops situation.

Op I'm sorry you came away from that encounter feeling so unheard and distressed. It can be really hard for people experiencing domestic abuse to get to appointments like these, so it's important that they are maximised when the opportunity is there so your frustration makes complete sense.

Having also worked in refuges I would encourage you to make a complaint. Just because someone is working there doesn't mean they know everything, it's also possible they're very new to the job and are just finished their training. But feedback helps improve practice ultimately so if you feel up to it, then I'd contact the service and explain what happened and how you found it.

You maybe don't want advice but in terms of joint bank accounts/savings mine weren't taken into account when I left my ex as they were in dispute until a financial agreement was in place. I just provided a letter to UC explaining the situation. Universal credit were fine with that and I found citizens advice and the entitled to calculator helpful in determining what I was able to claim.

It's extremely unfortunate that refuge spaces are means tested, as it can be really hard for women to access when they can't afford the rent on their own, especially in cases of financial abuse. Personally I wouldn't be leading with that at the outset because some women won't know what they are entitled to and would incorrectly rule themselves out. But there is also a knack to gently and considerately exploring circumstances to try and see if you can find a solution for someone. It sounds like the main issue here was the lack of tact and consideration for trauma than the information itself? And that's very fair to report back on.

@Crazyclover I wouldn't say they are run as businesses, they're non profit. But they have to be able to cover the physical running of the refuge to keep it a safe and appropriate space. There's a lot of cost that goes into that behind the scenes. However it shouldn't be more than what would be covered by housing benefit.

If people are staying for free then they are dependent on donations and I can tell you now their doors would close altogether. Many refuges are struggling to keep doors open as it is. So it's not about them not being charitable, it's about being able to exist.

They should know yes and I would be understandable frustrated and pissed off in your shoes also

If they are rent and donations dependent, and people don’t pay their rent, what’s the alternative? Unless you tell them you are happy to pay the rent of anyone who doesn’t as a donation. Charities have to keep the lights on, pay the mortgage, pay their staff, keep their insurance up to date. Just like a business. They can’t just not bother because it’s charitable.

How do you suggest they continue to run in they don’t raise funds?

Where have you know people to be evicted from?

Working with a family on that process at the moment and no I am not going to name the refuge obviously

I’m so sorry you experienced this OP. After everything you have been through, it pains me that people are essentially attempting to gaslight you on this thread as well. I’ve no practical advice, I note you’re not looking for any, but I really do hope things improve for you

That's crazy because benefits don't cover 900 a week worths of rent for a single person for private accomodation! Not even close. I guess the rules are different in you are refuge?

Wow. What an awful and entitled attitude to charity!

Charities are incredibly restricted by what they can do as most don't have enough money. They have to maximise every penny to maximise the help they can provide. They can't provide services without money.

The issue is more that they shouldn’t be charities. This is meant to be a service that the council provided and historically they always did.
Same with homeless shelters we can now put people up in a hotel at £50 a night
The person lying in the room next to them will be completely unaware and paying £100 a night but anyway
Just one of the many hundreds of services that was never meant to be commercialised and was never meant to be for financial gain much like the foster care system
And now is and is all the poorer for it in every sense of the word

All the front line DV workers I have met are extremely young, university educated women. Its a poorly paid entry level job for career driven women. They are probably more interested in the theory and strategy than the practice.

Sorry you had this experience.

Worth making the point that even if you are working and living in a shelter you are eligible for Housing Benefit.

Depending on what you earn you may have to pay something or all of it but being employed should not bar you

Have you actually read the thread?
If you’re eligible for £50 of Housing benefits you just gotta find the other £850 per week
That’s the point of the thread