To think that someone working for a local DV shelter should know what coercive/financial control looks like

[DoDoDahliaDiamond]

To think that someone working for a local DV shelter should know what coercive/financial control looks like.

Should additionally understand how post separation joint bank accounts work. (No love, it’s not that simple)

AND that BEFORE you are led to explain in great, triggering detail what your own, personal, hellscape looked like before you finally escaped, explain that you would be required to give up your job (the only thing left keeping you sane, supported and independent.)

And why someone seeking help ,might not want to hand over the final shreds of their life to the unknown when you’ve just escaped from a similar-looking relationship.

Ok and I suspect it was at the point you told her your salary…. She basically told you that you can independent rent somewhere.

Alas no. I’m sure it’s easier for you to believe this but it’s not the case.

Ironic that you’re telling others to engage brain.
The OP isn’t asking why she didn’t get access to the service, or why her salary may or may not be too high.
She asked why she couldn’t have been given that rather crucial information BEFORE she was asked to spill her history of DA abuse that further traumatised and triggered her, and why might someone working for the service not understand that.

Could you please stop attempting to hound and/or goad the OP? Thank you.

I won’t be responding to anyone who references my income again. I never mentioned whether I had dependents or not, and I certainly wouldn’t have gone via this route unless I had been sign-posted there by the homelessness unit at the council.

I am not sharing any details of my case because a) it’s irrelevant to the woeful lack of training this DA worker had; and b) I don’t want to be recognized.

ZookeeperSE · Today 15:44
Ironic that you’re telling others to engage brain.
The OP isn’t asking why she didn’t get access to the service, or why her salary may or may not be too high.
She asked why she couldn’t have been given that rather crucial information BEFORE she was asked to spill her history of DA abuse that further traumatised and triggered her, and why might someone working for the service not understand that.

Yes, this was my primary issue.

Yes, the interview should never be structured like that. Really poor practice.

Sometimes there is no good way to have a conversation like this. If more women tend to be disqualified from assistance by the nature of the situation they are in, you’d cover that first.

I have had (related job) these kinds of conversations a lot. It is difficult to explain a cold, hard, bureaucratic system you have no control over, while being compassionate, informative, kind and helpful. It’s impossible sometimes. The system is shit. So even if I understand that someone seeing me has a lot of money, but their abuser has control over it (a fairly unusual situation) I probably needed to know before that, that the women was leaving a qualifying situation.

Nine times out of ten we manage to assist. But the system is awful and retraumatising people is unavoidable.

You have to give up your job to use a refuge?!

MrsTerryPratchett: Nine times out of ten we manage to assist. But the system is awful and retraumatising people is unavoidable.

It was entirely avoidable, some kind of pre-appointment check sheet perhaps?
An explanation of how things work and what to expect AT THE VERY BEGINNING of the appointment.

A we can’t help you but: here are some partner organisations, practical help (like food banks etc)

I guarantee that if we had a pre-appointment checklist, we would disadvantage ESL women, low literacy, disabled and marginalised women. It would put some off. It would feel cold and unwelcoming to many.

It would have worked for you. It would not work for some others.

I feel for you. I know it’s shit. But there isn’t a perfect system that makes everyone comfortable and is accessible for all.

We do give food resource recommendations. But there’s a massive list of resources and we don’t know which one to choose until we have the information.

It would have worked for you. It would not work for some others.

It could have been an option though, they could ask?

@Unexpectedlysinglemumyes, you have to give up your job, due to how the funding works it’s basically paid with housing benefits, you can’t use your salary

Can’t have savings over £16,000 either.

bestcatlife · Today 16:24 Can’t have savings over £16,000 either

LOL.

Which is shit if the abuse victim can’t access them because the abuser is controlling the account.

Like OP says, say this upfront. Don't ask for traumatising details of the abuse first and then do the basic housekeeping tasks after.

State at the outset what the criteria are. And understand the advice you’re giving, and make sure it’s accurate.

Solicitors manage it, re legal aid entitlement, divorce, restraining orders etc.

Thank you Autumn Crow.
You are a very good Corvid.

According to Shelter you can use either your earnings, if you are employed, or housing benefit if you are not shelter.org.

*plims · Today 16:40
According to Shelter you can use either your earnings, if you are employed, or housing benefit if you are not shelter.org.

I’m asking you with the greatest respect, to understand that I was sign-posted to the DA unit by the homeless unit. I am telling you what I experienced and in order not to out myself I am not giving you any more identifying details.

I hope someone out there finds you link helpful, but if your only reason for posting it is to prove that I am lying, then I’d ask you to reflect on the fact that other people on this thread have experienced the same thing.

The other reason that they don’t want you to stay in your current job, is that if your ex knows where it is, you can be followed back to the shelter. endangering everyone else. This makes sense in most circumstances.

Please think about why you want me to be lying, what do I have to gain from that?

I do not work in the dv area but I have volunteered with similar types of services in the past.

there will be a policy on what order to take questions in.

it’s not uncommon for funding to be tied to benefits, and also if there is any sort of risk that the abuser might follow someone home from work to the shelter that is a very serious risk.

i understand that you did not want to access the shelter due to these conditions. Balancing the risks is a tricky process and one that fundamentally needs to be down to the person in question.