To think that someone working for a local DV shelter should know what coercive/financial control looks like

[DoDoDahliaDiamond]

To think that someone working for a local DV shelter should know what coercive/financial control looks like.

Should additionally understand how post separation joint bank accounts work. (No love, it’s not that simple)

AND that BEFORE you are led to explain in great, triggering detail what your own, personal, hellscape looked like before you finally escaped, explain that you would be required to give up your job (the only thing left keeping you sane, supported and independent.)

And why someone seeking help ,might not want to hand over the final shreds of their life to the unknown when you’ve just escaped from a similar-looking relationship.

Unless she's very new to the job I would expect decent knowledge, yes. Well done for getting out. I hope you are safe and getting some better advice and support.

That’s crazy. Many working people will be paying that in rent anyway, and many people claim benefits while working.

Sounds like your bank were helpful though, that’s great to hear.

TheSecretAgent1 So sorry you had to deal with this op. I was a victim of abuse and I've been through similar, you try to turn to the help that's allegedly out there and it's like they're trained to only deal with one set of specific circumstances, anything falling outside of those circumstances they're clueless. I swear you can see their brain short circuiting!
And the fact that you need to give up your job to access help is quite possibly the most moronic thing I've ever heard

Thank you. I’m sorry that you have suffered this too.

How much do you earn?

I genuinely don’t believe they told you that you’d have to give up your job.

Walksspecial How much do you earn?

None of your business. And entirely irrelevant to the thread.

plims · Today 15:26
I genuinely don’t believe they told you that you’d have to give up your job.

Let’s hope it doesn’t happen to you then. There are now several posts ffrom people who have had the same response. Here’s one:

TheSecretAgent1 So sorry you had to deal with this op. I was a victim of abuse and I've been through similar, you try to turn to the help that's allegedly out there and it's like they're trained to only deal with one set of specific circumstances, anything falling outside of those circumstances they're clueless. I swear you can see their brain short circuiting!
And the fact that you need to give up your job to access help is quite possibly the most moronic thing I've ever heard

I would say YABU because domestic violence / c&c is not a tick box / one size fits all offence. It is subtle and bespoke, which takes time to understand.

the employee has not made the rules, the rules are there for a reason- it is a great cost to run the refuges and there isn’t an endless pot of money. It is not something i agree with as support in this area saves a lot of money long term and prevents further offending.

the system is flawed- this is true and could do with an overhaul, but to get correctly trained professionals to work in this role and giving them enough time is way too expensive.

its sad but true

Of course they don’t. What they will say is that if you earn too little to cover the rent, the other option is benefits, which involves giving up work.

My take? DV and coercive control can cause PDs and PTSD, even complex. That can look like contrariness, evasiveness and condescension in the victim. All symptoms, all normal.

OP, I’m so sorry this was your experience. I was a support worker in a sexual violence support service for a couple of years and I’m really surprised she wasn’t aware of different power dynamics in abusive relationships. She doesn’t sound as if she has had training in a trauma informed way of working either. Even if the service wasn’t suitable and/or she shouldn’t have made you feel worse. She could at least have signposted you to people who could help appropriately, instead of leaving you feeling alone. I rarely comment on mumsnet but it’s so upsetting to hear this was your experience.

You forgot a breathless little question mark there, Walksspecial. I don't think you've quite nailed the wide eyed ingenue -maybe these will help.

👀
And it really is none of your business what OP earns. Jog on.

Walksspecial · Today 15:28
Walksspecial How much do you earn?

None of your business. And entirely irrelevant to the thread.
Is that what you told the DV rep?

As you are not the D/A worker I will not be disclosing my income to you.
I gave her all the information she asked for.

I’m not sure how sharing my income on an open thread on the internet will do anything except satisfy your purient interest.

The fact that you seem to be hounding the Op, over something that is absolutely none of your business, is weird.

Engage brain.
You don’t think the salary of someone receiving DB shelter is relevant . Just pause and think that it might just be a teeny tiny bit relevant.

Yes, which is why I told her, but II won’t be sharing it with you.

What's a DB shelter, @Walksspecial ?

Domestic abuse shelters can be difficult because of the funding. It's a while since I worked in the area, but they are expensive and the way it's funded is different to a normal housing benefit/LHA claim. So sometimes accessing them can be difficult.

I would expect a domestic abuse worker to be aware of coercive control and financial abuse, yes. But not necessarily the logistics of every element of it.

I'm sorry you've had such a bad experience. I think sometimes the help available doesn't match the help people need. It may be that she was crap at her job. But it could also be that what she had to offer didn't match your circumstances, and it can take time to work that out.

I have been through DV. My ex was imprisoned because of it. So I know exactly what it is like.

Im not sure which other poster you’re referring to who was told she had to give up her job to access health.

OrangeOpalFruits · Today 15:35
What's a DB shelter, ?

A D/V shelter (Domestic violence) is what is now known as a D/A (abuse) shelter. It now being recognised that not all dangerous abuse is violent.

So, basically, you tried to access a service which was means tested and you were found not to meet the criteria.

Have you complained/given feedback OP?