Am I stupid 🙄

[dollytea]

Where I live with my 5 year old daughter only has 11 houses and is gated so a community feel, everyone knows everyone, bbqs in the summer, kids play together etc.
2 years ago a lovely man moved in, having not long separated from his wife. We’ve been in each others company’s probably 5 times, with other residents,
not alone, other than bumping into each other when leaving the house. We get on as everyone does.
bumped into him when going out a few days ago, he said now the weathers getting better (debatable) when I have the kids shall I give you a call and you can bring your daughter out and they can play, so I said yeah that would be nice, couple of minutes later he said, if you fancy it we could go the new Greek one night if you’re free see what it’s like? I just said yeah can do (not really wanting to go and hoping he just said it but it’ll never happen kinda thing) anyway, he just called and said he’s taking the kids soft play if I want to go, I made excuses as I don’t really want to go and struggled to get off the phone, he can talk, he dropped in “our upcoming date” to the Greek, I was a really shocked he thought it was a date.
Am I thick to have thought this was just as friends and the kids playing together would be nice.
i have absolutely never given him any reason to think i would see him that way other than being friendly and chatting to him. I know I need to put him straight but feel so awkward now am thinking I am silly to think a man would want to go for dinner as friends.
how do I tell him without making things between us weird.
I feel like I’ve been naive and stupid and it might be my fault for agreeing to dinner.

I wouldn't have realised that was a date either, I would tell him and cancel.

@winter8090he is really nice. I just don’t want to date anyone, I don’t trust and right now have a very pessimistic attitude towards relationships.

@StephensLass1977 sorry, I’m clearly not adult enough to have realised! 🙄

@Thelnebriati apparently as we’re adults we should know this 😂

Sure you wouldn't like to go out for a meal with him ? Talk and get to know him ? I think it's brave of him and he politely asked you .

I would just say 'I wouldn't call the restaurant a date. I thought we were bringing the kids?'

He should get the idea then.

Yeah, the Greek restaurant definitely sounded like a date. No one has done anything wrong here. He likes you and asked you on a date. You thought he was just being friendly. That's potentially why he's mentioned date in the text. Maybe he walked away wondering if you thought he meant date and this is his way of clarifying. Just say you aren't interested in that.

@Nofeckingwayit was brave of him but I don’t want to go on a date with anyone, I really don’t trust men and wouldn’t be a great partner to anyone right now. I’ve been single a long time now and don’t have any desire to change that
and I don’t see that ever changing.

@meganorksi think that could be possibly what happened, he didn’t know if I knew what he meant.
i feel bad and will cringe telling him I didn’t think it was a date.

@dollytea Then you definitely need to shut it down. As it's such a small community and no reason for the girls not to be friendly you should practice answers for any scenario to let him down nicely.

I’d say something like “looking forward to trying out the Greek restaurant and having a bit of kid-free time. Just putting it out there though that I’m happily single and really not looking to get involved with anybody though. If that changes things and you’d rather ask someone else to the Greek restarautnt I won’t offended 😂 “

Laughing emoji keeps it light and gives him the option to back out if he wants (I don’t think he will) or say “just friends is fine” (most likely outcome).

I think you need to say it before you go because otherwise it’ll come across as you didn’t like him at dinner so are putting the brakes on.

Regardless of whether it is a "date" or not, you have given a deliberately false message by saying you'd like to go to the Greek restaurant with him when you had no interest in doing so and were hoping it didn't happen. Why not just say this upfront, rather than having to backtrack later?

Yes, so do I, but they were already your friends, presumably?

Just tell him you misunderstood and are not in the headspace for dating at the moment.

if he’s good company and a nice man why not have the dinner but let him know your not in a place for dating early on but you’d like to be friends.
just do it in a kind way and take it as a compliment that he asked you out ☺️

Op it’s not your fault not everyone thinks date straight away especially as he’s your neighbour. Op he did say when your free so you are not free if he suggests anything again just say as friends? It’s just I’m not looking for any kind of relationship so I wouldn’t want to waste your time.

A lot of new separated men can't cope by themselves with their own company.
And are very lonely, poor things

I would tell him you are not interested in dating him.

Men always say that they can’t read women’s minds, so why should we be expected to read theirs? He didn’t say ‘’I want to take you out’, he casually suggested going to a restaurant, using the same words a female neighbour would, or a man who is only interested in making friends. So the OP has not done anything wrong.
If I was you, to avoid future awkwardness, I would go for the meal, I’d talk about how I like being single and making new friends and, if he expressed an intention for more, I would appear surprised and say that I didn’t realise he was interested in me in ‘that way’, that I’m flattered but not looking for anything at the moment.

When I was single and dating men would take me home at the end of the evening. Some would suggest coming in for a drink. I would sometimes suggest the same if I had a nice time and didn’t want the evening to end. But I really meant ‘a drink’. Some men would feel disappointed and ‘led on’ if the drink didn’t turn into sex, but I never felt I had led them on. We are grownups who should be able to say what we mean, theres no need for code speach. ‘’Do you want to come in for one last drink’ does not mean ‘’do you want to stay the night’’

Invite him out for a morning coffee and cake instead just friends. That way he knows.

When a single man asked me to go to the pub with him I said it would be nice to do that, but that I wasn't looking for any sort of relationship. If he was happy with that then it was fine, if not then I'd have to decline.
He said it was fine, we went out a couple of times and even though he wasn't at all pushy, I could feel he felt differently towards me than I did towards him. The imbalance felt unfair to him so I put a stop to any more evenings out.
We still see each other (running club) and it's all fine.
I'd like to think that mature adults can navigate these sorts of things w/o anyone feeling too embarrassed.

Well gosh, some of us didnt get a copy of the rule book. Nothing to do with being an adult...

Yes. Its on you and yes it might well be awkward when you next see him. Do not go out to dinner with him. He wants to know you romantically

Exactly. It's not stupid to make a mistake, but it's not right if you don't sort it out straight away, now you know. If you want to go just as friends, that is an option, but either way, be clear with him.

"Hey Nikos, looking forward to a Greek dinner, it wouldn't be a date though, I'm far too happy being single! Hope you're still up for meeting as friends. Cheers."

Don't get distracted by people who think men and women couldn't possibly be friends. He presumed and was wrong.

He messaged me Monday afternoon and asked if I was free that evening, I replied I wasn’t and I was being truthful as
i wasn’t home till 9pm and he replied, no worries and nothing since. If he suggests it again, I’ll say something so it’s clear I am not looking for anything other than friendship. Thank you for all your replies, I appreciate them and seems most would have assumed date,
I’ll be more careful in future 😬