Ds 12 just won't go to school after accident

[healingqueen]

Over feb halfterm my ds 12 had an accident on his scooter and fractured his wrist and needed surgery, he knocked 4 teeth out and had a lot of bruising i posted at the time

He had the first week off after halfterm and then went on in the monday but had surgery on the tuesday then had the rest of the week off to recover. the following week he was supposed to go in with a reduced timetable and i picked him up before lunch but he just didn’t go. I have younger children so i had to get them ready and can’t spent time trying to persuade him to get dressed as they’d be late to nursery/school

The bruising has mostly gone now. we are no further with his teeth and he’s in cast still but he won’t leave the house. He hasn’t gone in since the monday before the surgery. He’s barely left the house at all tbh. He’s been out with me a few times but he mostly just wants to stay in his room

I took phone / ipad but it hasn’t made him go to school it just caused anger. he threw his charger at me and said “have it then”. he grabbed his 4 year old brother by the arm when i was in the other room for 5 mins. All I heard was B get out the way and then 4yo was crying.

School have said they can’t offer much else apart from the reduced timetable and just keep reiterating he needs to be in

He broke up for easter yesterday and now doesn’t have to be in for 2 weeks but I dont think this will resolve itself magically over easter.

What do I do??

Can’t you get his father to help? Surely he should be escorting him to and from school at the moment.?

It must be really hard for him thinking about going
into high school when he’s bruised and missing several teeth, kids are mean. And an accident like that is traumatic for some, can you access counselling to help him process what has happened? If he’s isolating himself in his room I wouldn’t personally punish him further, I’d be trying to draw him out of there back to normal family life and home and make sure he knows you are there for
him. If he thinks you just don’t understand he’s bound to push you away

Why did you take his iPad off him, what is it you are punishing ? Do you think he’s behaving like this through choice ?

Is it his looks he is worried about? Or is it anxiety caused by having really shook himself up in the accident? Or could there be more to this accident than you have been told, such as others being involved that are at his school who he is avoiding?

Do you know why he won't go in? Is it because he's embarrassed about his missing teeth? If so, I can understand why he's not happy about going in, and I think you need to try and sort out something with his dentist. I do understand that they might not be able to do anything permanent for a while, but I'd have expected they could do a temporary bridge or something. Regardless, I think you should have a calm conversation with him over the holidays and tell him he's going back after the Easter break, and just not give him a choice. Perhaps tell him that if he doesn't go, he risks you being prosecuted? Once he's been in once and got past that initial embarrassment, he'll be fine.

Which teeth did he lose? He must feel so self conscious if they’re all front ones

I remember your other thread.

Do you work? If not I think when you’ve got the other kids to nursery etc you then need to get him out the house to school, even if it’s 10 or 11am. He needs to lose the idea that home is an option.

Only other thought is, are you sure about the accident? It’s not possible someone at school caused it or hurt him?

Oh poor love. I'd not not want to go anywhere with 4 broken teeth either.

Whats the timeline for getting them sorted?

Hes been through a trauma. Has he had any counselling?

Id be supporting my 12 yo through this. Its not a crucial school year. All pressure off school for a bit.

He's frightened.
He really hurt himself, and he's damaged his appearance quite badly.

What is happening with the teeth? They need to do something for him.

I'd give him as much comfort as possible over the next week, sit with him, listen to him and ask him if he's feeling scared or worried.

Would wearing a mask help if he doesn't want to be seen without his teeth?

Hes been through a trauma. Has he had any counselling? It's very soon, he needs a bit of natural emotional processing time? But could be worth talking to someone about options.

I think you are being massively unfair on him.

He has had a huge trauma that he hasn't recovered from physically never mind mentally.

What help have you got him for the mental anguish he must be going through?

I'm a fully fledged adult and a grandmother, and if I had knocked four teeth out in an accident, I wouldn't be wanting to go out either. And I wouldn't have to mix with 30+ very immature peers who are likely to stare at and mock me, as your son will have to do.

I can't fathom why you punished him, rather than trying to empathise and talk things through.

Maybe arrange for him to do some work from home while the dentist sorts out his teeth - he'll get over the accident and return to school if he doesn't have to look at broken teeth.

Children can be incredibly cruel, I am assuming your son has become self conscious as many teenagers become around his age.

Have a chat and let him know that you will support him with getting his teeth fixed.

A lot of people on the first thread told op he should be back at school after a week. I was shocked.

Do people seriously think he needs 6 weeks off school for a scooter accident? Not because he’s too injured but because he’s too traumatised? I had a friend who had far less time off than that when her sibling died in an accident.

Yes his injuries sound painful and in terms of the teeth potentially embarrassing but school is compulsory and if he’s well enough to attend he needs to be there.

You may not be aware but humans are all different - a child in pain from a serious physically disfiguring accident is not going to respond the same way as an adult who lost a sibling and wants to return to their routine as a part of their bereavement coping process.

He is how he is.

Their dad doesn't see the DC on a proper schedule or anything like that and he lives almost an hour away and starts work early so it’s not possible for him to come and take him. School agreed to me dropping him off slightly later (but still before 9am) after I dropped my younger children off which I was happy doing but he won’t get up or dressed. hIs dad told me to take his things off of him which i did and it didn’t help maybe that was the wrong way to go about things but I am concerned about his attendance as to school he’s physically ok to go and even the fracture clinic etc have said there isn’t a medical reason why he needs to stay home

He hasn’t given a reason why he doesn’t want to go and hasn’t really spoken about it tbh. About his teeth there was a referral to max fax but we haven’t yet had an appointment. He is eating somewhat normally though now and his lips etc seem to have healed and i worry about him having too long off and it being harder for him to go and get back into the routine and socialising etc as he doesn’t have many friends as it is at the school as they went to the other school from primary (oversubscribed secondary school)

When he went on the monday he was allowed to sit in the library during lunchtime (this was before the reduced timetable was agreed) and he was upset as he was sat on his own so it could be that. I dont think there was any nastiness as the school told the others in his year that he’d talk about it if he wants to and told him that most were just concerned rather than being nasty but to tell a teacher if there was genuine nastiness but he didn’t complain about any of that so I don’t know

Is it the teeth? Were they all front ones? If so then I can greatly sympathise... Must be awful for him. What is the timeline for getting that (temporarily?) sorted?

How sure are you this was actually an accident? Plenty of kids who are bullied don’t tell their parents because they don’t want it to get worse.

if you’ve taken his phone and his iPad and he won’t go then he is scared of something and he’s much more scared of that than he is of you.

you need to find out what is going on. Talking to him is probably the only way

I used to work teaching teenagers at home and getting them back into school/alternative long term provision.

It sounds to me like anxiety following a traumatic event. Things to do now:

• see your son's gp, get whatever mental health referrals you can. See if the GP agrees that it could be anxiety (if this is what you think).
• if you know any of your son's friends/parents see if you can arrange for him to see them
• if the GP thinks it could be anxiety then communicate this to school and the Local Authority. The LA had a statutory duty to provide education after 15 days of pupils are absent due to health reasons (anxiety is a health problem).
• if you think that your son is genuinely anxious then don't punish him but do try to prevent "secondary gains" from being off school. Eg getting to sleep in, watch tv all day, have iPad/game during the day etc.
• ask the dentist how his teeth can be sorted asap

What about inviting a friend over to see him? Get him outside, rebuild his social confidence

We were at school at the time. I do get people are different. It’s clear though that this boy if OP isn’t careful will become one of the many who are out of school long term. It’s not good for kids to be hanging around at home for all sorts of reasons. Not just missing education but missing socialising skills, more likely to be vulnerable to gangs etc. self esteem probs. If the son was saying hey mum let me just get my teeth sorted and I’ll be right back in, meanwhile I’ll keep up with homework etc that would be different. Seems to be this is a potential turning point for him and it’s important OP works with his health people and the school to ensure he doesn’t lose touch with education.

I do believe that it was an accident. He was trying to do a “trick” apparently and fell. I tbh k it’d been raining in the days previous so the ramps were likely still somewhat wet. He wasn’t with anyone from his school as it’s a different area so for a lot of his friends at school that isn’t their local park

They were the front teeth. He doesn’t have a dentist as I can’t find one that takes NHS patients even children and ai can’t afford private as im a single mum. So we are just waiting for the hospital and I think it will be a long wait. His birthday is next month and I was naive to think it’d be sorted by then but it’s looking less likely as we haven’t seen anyone yet

I don’t work but the timings to try and get him to school after I dropped my dc off at school and nursery are tight as I normally get home and do some housework / talk to dd and then not long after it’s time to go out again and pick up my 2yo from nursery (he finishes at 11:45) so i don’t really have all day to try and get him in unfortunately

What psychological support is he getting?
Gp refer urgently to camhs
School pastoral lead?
Or pay private psychologist if you can if wait list is long
And seek advice yourself how to approach and help
Lea officer for children missing school due to illness Can help refer
His behaviour is telling you he us scared and anxious. Taking away ipad will not help with that.
Will he journal or record voice notes for himself?

poor boy. So nothing is really being done about his teeth? That’s going to give major insecurity. My two would no way have gone back to school missing their front teeth. That is an absolute priority. And give him his iPad back.