Ds 12 just won't go to school after accident

[healingqueen]

Over feb halfterm my ds 12 had an accident on his scooter and fractured his wrist and needed surgery, he knocked 4 teeth out and had a lot of bruising i posted at the time

He had the first week off after halfterm and then went on in the monday but had surgery on the tuesday then had the rest of the week off to recover. the following week he was supposed to go in with a reduced timetable and i picked him up before lunch but he just didn’t go. I have younger children so i had to get them ready and can’t spent time trying to persuade him to get dressed as they’d be late to nursery/school

The bruising has mostly gone now. we are no further with his teeth and he’s in cast still but he won’t leave the house. He hasn’t gone in since the monday before the surgery. He’s barely left the house at all tbh. He’s been out with me a few times but he mostly just wants to stay in his room

I took phone / ipad but it hasn’t made him go to school it just caused anger. he threw his charger at me and said “have it then”. he grabbed his 4 year old brother by the arm when i was in the other room for 5 mins. All I heard was B get out the way and then 4yo was crying.

School have said they can’t offer much else apart from the reduced timetable and just keep reiterating he needs to be in

He broke up for easter yesterday and now doesn’t have to be in for 2 weeks but I dont think this will resolve itself magically over easter.

What do I do??

Oo you have a lot on with the two younger dc as well.
Do not worry about attendance.
He can catch up later.
Do worry about his mh and get gp support and referral to camhs
Do speak to gp about support for you.
Can younger dc father take them more? Or family ? Listen to ds.
Do call lea for officer dealing with children missing school there maybe small grouo he can go to
Do not punish ds by taking away ipad etc.

So what have you actually done? As far as I can see, you don't work or have any commitments outside of the home. Yet you can't support your son getting to school cause you normally come home and do housework and prioritise the younger ones? If a dentist will take him, then that has to be the priority, you can't expect him to carry on with 4 front teeth missing in his teens. Most dentists do payment plans etc, speak to his dad, do something that isn't just wringing your hands expecting him to just 'get over it' or for school to sort it.

He sounds traumatised and embarrassed.

Oh gosh when I said he needed to be getting into school I assumed he had some kind of temp cover on his teeth and a plan for a proper repair - but there’s nothing? Excellent advice on this thread @healingqueen so hope you can find help this week. Do keep us posted ❤️

Please get him some help. Firstly, ask school to get him on the EBSA pathway (emotional based school avoidance). https://www.sendandyou.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2022/03/EBSA-Frequently-asked-questions-updated-version-19.09.2024.pdf once in this if he cannot attend they have a duty to provide education for him. DD had home tuition daily through this and then support with camhs etc

She didn't just wring her hands. She actively punished him for not going to school, by taking away his phone and iPad.
It beggars belief. Poor kid.

if I knocked my front teeth out I wouldn't want to leave the house and I certainly wouldn't want to be in a school surrounded by lots of people who would obviously notice. I think it's shocking that this isn't getting sorted more quickly. My sister knocked her front teeth out as a child and it was sorted immediately, she had crowns put in. I have dreams where my teeth fall out and it is one of my worst nightmares, I wake up feeling anxious and relieved that my teeth are still there.

He's 12 years old and missing his teeth. Find someone who is homeschooling a child the same age and see if you can't get the school district to pay for it. Get a psychologist's letter, something. He should be homeschooled until they give him new teeth.

Unfortunately, he is at the WORST possible age for teasing. Children this age are vicious and wholly relentless. Teasing at this age can impact a 12 year old negatively for the rest of their lives or until they get counseling as an adult. It damages their self-esteem. Teasing hits their middle school brains at a hormonal level and the school cannot stop it. The school can crack way down on students but they will walk by him in the hall and make slurping or sucking noises. It cannot be stopped. Kids are cruel. He doesn't deserve to live with that. Help your son. That age is a war zone. Don't make him endure it. It would also be cruel to hold him back a year.

Find him a homeschool or a tutor, something, somewhere, maybe another parent who is homeschooling their children who are the same age and figure out a trade. Where is the father in all of this?

Has he never had a dentist? We moved to a new area and as adults DH and I can’t get in as NHS patients but there’s quite a lot around taking children and even where we had to go privately offered to take our children for NHS treatments so we’ve had a range of options for them!

Sorry your ds is still not doing well, I remember you posting about his accident. Have you tried phoning around all the dentists within your locality? Say within a 30/40 mile radius? Many will take on NHS children in an emergency. His confidence is probably at rock bottom as he's missing teeth and this is causing him anxiety. I don't think punishing him is the way to go though. It's a difficult situation.

You need to stop pushing him to go back to school and get his teeth sorted as an immediate priority.

What would you do if you fell and lost YOUR front 4 teeth? You need to do that for your child.

You say you don't work so you don't have the money, well maybe you need to get a job short term so your children's medical needs are taken care of.

Give him his ipad and phone back. You've taken his ability to contact his friends and they could make him feel better, instead he's completely isolated.

Ask the school to send him work to be done from home.

Poor lad. What about his friends who were with him when he had the accident, would he agree to see them? Is there anything he’d agree to do just to get him out of his room, even a bike ride or something at a quiet time of day?

Re. the dentist just keep calling different ones until someone agrees to see him, no matter how long it takes. Even if they don’t get everything sorted immediately, just getting the process started might cheer him up because he’ll see he’s not going to stay without his teeth forever!

You're really focusing on the wrong things here. A 12 year old needs a dentist, when was he last in for a check up/ clean etc? A toddler needs to be seen by a dentist every 3 months so do you have dental care for your youngest? Regardless of being single, not having money etc- you need to help your child immediately. Your lack of concern is shocking

I’m a paediatric dentist. I haven’t read the majority of the replies because to be honest, I’m shocked. I regularly treat children who have knocked their front teeth out. He is absolutely going to to be traumatised having to attend school with no front teeth - at 12 years old! He should not be forced to go.

You also need to find him a dentist immediately- you say you don’t have one, so he’s never been to the dentist? This is a priority. I understand being a single mum, but this is not something that can be left and hope for the best.

You need to do some research, some googling, some money saving - in order to get him the care he needs. Maxfax will only just refer him on for any actual dental treatment (likely dentures right now) and that will take months.

Your options:

1. Where do you live? You can DM me and I’ll point you to the closest - but you need to ring your closest paediatric dentistry department ASAP. Some won’t take existing patients but I do if they aren’t registered with a dentist.
2. Scrimp and save until you have enough money for a singe URGENT private appointment and immediate denture (temporary option)
3. Ring and ring any NHS dentist within 100 miles - don’t worry about dropping your 2yo at nursery, bring them with you if needed

• At this appointment, request an urgent referral to your closest dental hospitals paediatric dentistry department (not maxfax!).
• Speak to school and go to your GP - let him explain to them how he feels (on his own). It’s important he gets to talk about it, and likely won’t open up to you know as he’s so self-conscious and worried and being punished. Your GP CAN also refer him to a dental hospital.

This is not at all surprising. Yes it sounded harsh, but from your initial post on this I believe you mention he doesn't like school that much anyway, so allowing him time off was pretty much going to lead into him not wanting to return. It would have been easier for him to have gone back straight away when the accident was recent, rather than delaying it.

Your posts do again seem to come across as prioritising the younger ones. You don't work so what happens once you have dropped them off? Have you made any attempt to do school work with him? I get that people are saying he needs help, but at this rate he is going to miss a massive chunk of education and then what?

I don't know where people think a dentist can be suddenly found. There are no NHS dentists where I live and it sounds like either way the accident was so bad it is beyond the everyday dentist, which is why max fax are involved. I don't know how people think they are going to get seen quicker if there is a wait, which is why you need to focus on how you are going to get him to do his school work, as if the wait is 6 months (being optimistic here) then he will miss the rest of the academic year and the start of the next.

I think you need to prioritise his school work. If he refuses to go then you need to work at home with him solidly so he can see that he can't avoid it. You have removed devices so what is he doing all day?

His dad also needs to be more involved. If I recall correctly this happened on his watch. So he needs to step in and help get him to school or do the work at home, or support you by taking the other children to school so you can work with your son.

I remember this story. I am shocked by your attitude to your son. You must push harder to get his teeth fixed, it sounds as though he is having difficulty eating and must be in pain ? ..
ring every single dentist in the area ? pay for initial appointment with private dentist with a credit card? ring all the dental hospitals? speak to all local charities? Start a go fund me? call your MP...anything! This is so urgent I cant believe you are so blase. Whatever the reason for the accident you need to push much harder to get this fixed !!!! Not doing more sounds very neglectful.. worry about school attendance after easter, surely it is obvious to two are connected. Speak to school after easter about him getting some counselling? Stop worrying about ipad.

Poor kid, to be honest I’m not suprised he doesn’t want to go to school! I wouldn’t either because kids are vile and will rip the piss out of him. You can get nhs kids in private dentists, we pay for our treatment but the kids get it through the nhs. Can you call around explaining he’s missing all his front teeth ?

I was off work for 12 weeks when I broke my shoulder, at 6 weeks I was still in a sling and just starting physio. I felt quite traumatized and all I did was trip down a couple of steps. If you broke a bone and knocked out teeth how would you feel?

So you don't work, your youngest in nursery so doesn't have to be there and you are still focused on housework. Then punishing your ds for an ACCIDENT at the instruction of an absentee father instead of supoorting him.

Sorry @healingqueen, I am not trying to be horrible, but quite honestly you have your priorities seriously screwed up.

Talk to your son, support him to heal. Get him mental health support. But for christ sake make him the priority.

This has got to be worth a try at least.

I agree with the points being made in lots of the comments that OP needs to sort out a dentist that will take on her son, and arrange him some form of mental health support.

However, I think some of the comments about the op having her priorities wrong are a little bit harsh in tone.

Yes the OP does need to prioritise her son, but having read other posts, about her son and daughter, the OP is having a rough tine at the moment, with more going on that may be obvious in this post.

The child's dad isn't supportive and only helps when forced. As well as younger children, the OP has a teenage daughter that has recently had a baby, and was ill herself. It has been a lot to deal with.

I think she is genuinely trying her best, and is listening to advice from so many people, she doesn't know which way to turn. If I was in her situation I think I would need support myself.

OP has really tried to support her son in relation to the accident and school, despite many people on the other post just telling her he should be back in school near enough straight away.

There seemed to be progress from the school once they saw her son face to face, but that seems to have fallen away.

Having seen him, and knowing his issues with returning to school, I think school could have pointed OP in the direction of getting counselling in some way. I thought all secondary schools had details of that, even if they only told her to look on the school website for links.

I think OP should take a few deep breaths and make a plan so she can see things are moving forward.

First is to talk to her son, and try and find out how he feels, what he is thinking, what his preferred way forward is, so she has a better understanding of his needs and can use it when speaking to others to get help.

Go on the website for the local health board and see if there is anything about dentists taking on NHS patients. If not go on the websites, phone each dentist and ask, explaining the urgency.

It could even be worth an anonymous post on some local Facebook groups to ask if anyone knows dentists taking on. I have seen similar posts and people have replied with useful info.

If that fails explore other options. There may be some that stull do some nhs work, even if mainly private.

Speak to the GP about some mental health support. You could also look for info on the schools website, council website or local health board website. Contacting an organisation such as the local branch of mind could be useful too.

There should also be some information on the school website about educational welfare and children not able to attend school for medical reasons, which may be worth looking at.

@healingqueen Hoping that you and your son, can both get the support the need. You also need to look after yourself- you can support your son, daughter and look after the little ones if you don't.

I’m shocked that the poor kid needs to wait for hospital treatment. You need to stop being passive and ring round every dentist in a 10-mile radius begging for help to get him a temporary bridge.

BreadstickBurglar
Do people seriously think he needs 6 weeks off school for a scooter accident? Not because he’s too injured but because he’s too traumatised? I had a friend who had far less time off than that when her sibling died in an accident.
yes and some people run marathons and go straight back to work after life changing events. Every human being is different and this little lad is going through something

Wow I’m really shocked at reading more of these comments. Why has the OP never taken any of her children to a dentist in their lives, it’s borderline neglect? Why is she not making more of an effort to get her son’s teeth fixed before he goes back. She does not work but at least one of her children is in a nursery. If the boy’s father is still on the scene, albeit he lives an hour away, why isn’t she insisting that he does more could her son go and live with him? I really feel sorry for this poor lad.

The boy hadn’t just broken his teeth, which can be fixed quickly- he’s actually lost them ! Too young to have implants, bridge may not be suitable as there’s four missing. Partial denture is probably all that can be done at the moment.

Where does it say OP has never taken her kids to a dentist?