To ask if she overstepped the boundary or if I’m being unreasonable?

[Starinthesky1]

One of my clients (I’m a hairdresser) rang me out of the blue last night on my personal mobile (clients do have my mobile but they usually just ring the salon number and this particular client has never rang my mobile before so her number wasn’t saved in my phone so I just answered as it was a mobile number and didn’t know who it was at first) outside of work hours (she rang at 7pm) crying asking if I had time for a chat. I said I did and had a long chat with her, ended up on the phone for over 90 minutes. This isn’t a client I’ve previously been friends with, I do her hair but I mean we don’t have a friendship outside of that. She is basically having a tough time at the moment and could do with a friend/some support. I’m happy to support her but my DH thinks she overstepped the boundary because she’s a client and if I’m honest I did feel a bit uncomfortable at first when she called me last night but I am happy to support her. She has an appointment with me on Tuesday (she had this appointment booked before her call last night) so she could have spoke to me then too. Like I said, I am happy to support her but I do wonder if DH is right that she has possibly overstepped the boundary as I did feel a bit uncomfortable at first when she called. Has she overstepped the boundary or am I being unreasonable?

@Scripturient we don’t know anything about this person or how long she’s known the hairdresser. I’ve been going to mine 12 years and I know if I was desperate she’d help me, we’ve also discussed similar experiences on many occasions. Someone asking for help doesn’t make them a write off. I’ve got plenty enduring healthy friendships thanks.

The point of my post is it’s not her husband’s place to give her shit about who op is texting or who she chooses to help in her own time. If it got to the point where op is uncomfortable helping the woman she’s more than able at her big age to deal with that herself.

Does he usually ask you who you are texting? Why is it his business? I’m getting uneasy vibes about your husband the more you post. It wasn’t ideal the woman called you, but you sound happy to help her. Did you feel uncomfortable because of her or because of your husbands reaction? Do you get to spend time talking to friends on the phone etc? Or does he control your friendships?

I think your DH is being weird about this. Its ok for him to express his opinion but to go on and on about it to the point of having fights with you about it is OTT in my opinion. Is he like this about other things when you dont agree with him? Hes coming across abusive at this point. You are a grown woman and can make your own decisions in life.

The suspicious side of me would wonder why hes so desperate to stop you talking to her? Could something have happened between them? It is weird she called you in the first place.

Only she isn’t dealing. She’s clearly a people pleaser with poor boundaries, who overrode her own discomfort at being lengthily offloaded on by a client at home at the weekend — a client she says she has no friendship with, and who has a lot of problems, clearly has no friends, and who has continued to call and text her multiple times, at the weekend, on her private number.

Focusing on her husband’s annoyance at his wife’s people-pleasing and poor boundaries is a red herring.

Your problem here isn't with your client. You sound perfectly able to deal with that, and if it gets too much I am sure you will find a way to put boundaries in place.

Your problem is with your husband. It's YOUR life, YOUR choice how you use your time and emotional energy.

He sounds like a controlling shit. What the Hell has it got to do with him who you speak to?

I feel furious on your behalf.

Your husband is a cold hearted twat who sounds controlling.

DH is exhibiting major red flags.

@Scripturientits not uncommon for someone who has perfectly normal levels of empathy to give an upset human the time of day when they’re desperate. Are you trying to say you’d just go, “sorry I’m your hairdresser not your friend” and hang up? If you would it says more about you than me or the op. She’s considering her boundaries now, and whether she will take the support forward. Her husband doesn’t have a place in that process, unless it seriously encroaches in their married life. Which it so far has not. He’s a controlling twat still being off about it once she’s made her position clear on it.

I honestly can't fathom why she has called you. You say you have no friendship so its a really odd choice. The fact that she has an appointment with you Tuesday makes me think she is going to try and get out of paying. Make you sympathetic to her plight then not have the money to pay right now....

How about you? Are you happy with this?

I assume OP is a lovely, empathetic person, who has spoken to kindly to this client in the past that the client has felt, here is someone who can listen and understand, when I am at my most desperate.

There would be nothing inappropriate in a hairdresser/client relationship transforming into a friendship. And it's not uncommon for female friendships to start with someone reaching out for support. After all, being a woman in this world can be hard at times.....

This is NO WAY means that OP is obliged to support this woman. If it feels too much for her, or she just doesn't want to, she would be well within her rights to put a gentle but firm stop to it - maybe suggest Samaritans or similar.....

But what SHOULD NOT be happening, is OP's husband dictating what OP can and can't do. That's the massive red flag here. And it seems to me from OP's post, that her husband is the one upsetting her and putting her under pressure. Not her client.

Your husband is expressing it in a very controlling way, but he has a point.

Who on earth cries down the phone at their hairdresser two nights running? Someone scraping the barrel of her contacts; someone who has no boundaries. She needs signposting to support, be that Women's Aid, Samaritans, a charity that deals with whatever her specific issues are.

@Starinthesky1 , you have lost her as a client. When this crisis has passed, she'll feel so awkward about how much she told you that she'll fade away.

Protect your own headspace. Be gentle, but let her know you aren't qualified to help her or shoulder her burdens.

You sound like a very kind person, OP, but I do think you have a problem with boundaries.

This woman is a client, not a friend, and while it was lovely of you to be sympathetic towards her, I have the feeling that she is going to demand a lot of your time and energy. There may be a reason she doesn't have many other people in her life to go to. TBH it can be emotionally draining to provide that level of support even to a very good friend; to someone you only have a client relationship with is something you may well need to dial back. Can you be less available and direct her to other sources of support?

There's a boundary issue with your DH too. Fine for him to express an opinion, but he doesn't get to tell you what to do. He is not lord and master of your home and all who live in it.

Both things can be true, the client and the DH both seem to be overstepping here.

I don’t think she has come across as needy in my opinion

You don’t think a client phoning her hairdresser in tears and then continuing to text them is at all needy?

Kindly, I think you’re very naive and have some sort of need to be a saviour. You’ve been warned by people on here (on the thread you started because you weren’t comfortable) your husband and your own gut.

I wouldn't have a 90 minute conversation on a Friday evening with someone I didn't consider a friend just because they were upset and had called me, no. I have a normal amount of empathy, excessive when it comes to those in my inner circle TBH, but this isn't having empathy, it's having poor boundaries.

I don’t see the dh as controlling at all, but as being cautious with the turn of events, and being concerned with the situation, and how it has escalated.

Prior to Friday night, the client was just a client, someone she was due to see next Tuesday. However, to quote op, ‘she has been messaging/calling me a bit since she called me last night too. ‘ so from nothing to pestering, within the space of 24-48 hours. I get she may be in a bad way, but to put it bluntly, op is a hairdresser, not a trained professional.

I get that op wants to be a friend and be supportive, but Dh recognises the bigger picture.

I’m also going to link this thread that’s running. There are a lot of parallels, but this friendship is several months in, and has turned a little sinister. It maybe worth reading.

Quote from the op.

“I have a friend (from work originally) who I got on well with at first – she can be fun and we’ve had some nice times together. However over the past few months I’ve started to feel increasingly uncomfortable.”

Linked thread.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5509546-friend-keeps-messaging-and-turning-up-unannounced-how-to-set-boundaries?page=10&reply=151375132

I wouldn’t do it, but I’d rather someone call me, whoever they are than hear they’d done something awful because they had nobody to talk to.

I’d probably have listened for a bit and said ‘Look, Clare, I’m not sure what you’re looking for from me, but I will need to go in a few minutes. I’m sorry you’re feeling so distressed. Is there anyone you’d like me to contact on your behalf, or anything concrete I can do before I go?’ And I wouldn’t have picked up the phone again or replied to texts. I have a perfectly normal amount of empathy, but I don’t confuse ‘distressed client acting inappropriately’ with ‘friend in need’.

Your husband is correct, this woman is a client, not a close personal friend. Perhaps he can see the bigger picture, the fact that your time and energy is going to be drained by someone else's problems? The OP's husband sounds frustrated because she's facilitating this situation, by not putting in firm enough boundaries. Being kind is lovely, but that can very quickly escalate into you becoming a crutch for this woman.

DH is now sulking around the house about it again tonight!

I honestly don’t think her motive is to avoid paying.

Has she sent more messages or tried to phone you again?