To ask if she overstepped the boundary or if I’m being unreasonable?

[Starinthesky1]

One of my clients (I’m a hairdresser) rang me out of the blue last night on my personal mobile (clients do have my mobile but they usually just ring the salon number and this particular client has never rang my mobile before so her number wasn’t saved in my phone so I just answered as it was a mobile number and didn’t know who it was at first) outside of work hours (she rang at 7pm) crying asking if I had time for a chat. I said I did and had a long chat with her, ended up on the phone for over 90 minutes. This isn’t a client I’ve previously been friends with, I do her hair but I mean we don’t have a friendship outside of that. She is basically having a tough time at the moment and could do with a friend/some support. I’m happy to support her but my DH thinks she overstepped the boundary because she’s a client and if I’m honest I did feel a bit uncomfortable at first when she called me last night but I am happy to support her. She has an appointment with me on Tuesday (she had this appointment booked before her call last night) so she could have spoke to me then too. Like I said, I am happy to support her but I do wonder if DH is right that she has possibly overstepped the boundary as I did feel a bit uncomfortable at first when she called. Has she overstepped the boundary or am I being unreasonable?

You sound really kind OP but personally I would see this as overstepping boundaries as ultimately she's a client, not a mate. However boundaries vary person to person and if you are okay with it, doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I would say though regardless, get a new number that you don't give to clients keep the current number as a business mobile number, then you can switch off to clients when you want or need to, wether thats just occasionally or strictly outside business hours, don't be wearing yourself thin.

That's the impression I'm getting from your posts, please don't let his thoughtlessness overshadow your kindness.

Listen to your instincts. You didn’t mind listening to her in her hour of need, your husband minded you doing it. Sounds like he’s the one who has overstepped your boundaries here.

I interpret it differently. I think the dh has issue with the person contacting her, not that his wife was supportive. He feels his wife’s customers shouldn’t be contacting her, especially regarding a personal matter. However, the customers tactic has worked, because op now feels responsible/duty bound to help her.

Just had a huge row with DH about this now because he’s come in (he’s been out with friends tonight at golf) and saw me texting on my phone and immediately asked who I’m texting and then when I said I’m replying to her he has then kicked off saying I need to “put boundaries in place” and tell her not to contact me again and DH isn’t happy because I’m saying to him I think she just needs a friend and I don’t want her to be alone with no one to talk to. DH keeps on calling her “needy” too which is annoying me because I don’t think she has come across as needy in my opinion or at least she hasn’t come across as needy to me yet I don’t think, he also says the fact she’s texting me “at this time in the evening” is “proof” that she’s “overstepping boundaries on purpose” (DH’s words not mine). DH has now stormed off upstairs

I think there are two things going on here. I am not sating that the OP's husband has handled this well but I do think he might have a point.

I think she’s needy as well. She’s never contacted you before, is a virtual stranger, and yet she was on the phone to you for over an hour last night, and she’s already texting you this evening. Also, it’s the evening (well night now) and it’s the weekend, so double-whammy-outside hours. I know you mean well, and want to help, but in less than twenty four hours, she’s contacted you twice. How many of your regular friends have you had this much contact with?

I think @Holdinguphalfthesky’s response is the best one.

Your DH is right though, she is needy.

This.

I know I said she’s needy, but as she has reached out, try and support her by directing her to who can actually help her. You haven’t said what the nature of her calls have been (and you don’t have to), but if it’s health, then call the gp, or get a counsellor, or call an appropriate organisation (Woman’s Aid, Shelter, bereavement charity etc). You’re not a counsellor or a trained professional, so don’t try and resolve her problems. She’s dumping her problem's on you, but they’re not your responsibility. Maybe you can prepare some contacts/resources/websites etc to give to her on Tuesday during the appointment.

She has overstepped a boundary but you seem ok with that.

Your DH needs to accept your decision to help this woman.

Sounds like she needs a friend and sounds like you are happy to be that friend right now.

I think it's strange she called you as you'd assume she had other people that she'd ring. My suggestion would be...

• Ask her (on Tuesday at her appointment) how she is
• Mention you're surprised she called
• Make a jokey lighthearted comment that she's lucky you picked up the call as you're notoriously bad at answering the phone (even if you aren't, you can pretend this is the case)
• Let her know it's good to talk if she's feeling low and ask her who else she calls for support
• Signpost her to services like Talking Therapies or Samaritans in case she can't get hold of someone
• Save her phone number so you're not caught out again unprepared and can decide if you want to receive the call or not

Obviously if you're more comfortable just telling her outright not to call about personal issues then go for it! You will know better than us if she sounded vulnerable and which approach might be more appropriate for her at the moment.

You haven't put in place a boundary for her to cross. If you wanted to you could have ended the call at any point but you chose not to (I'm not making a judgement on this, just reflecting what you've told us).
Your husband isn't happy with that. It isn't clear why. Could he be jealous because he wanted to spend that time with you? Pissed off that he had to put kids to bed as you were busy? Genuine worry for your wellbeing? Something else?

Well, I don’t know the OP, obviously, but from her being prepared to spend an hour and a half on the phone to a crying client she barely knows at 7pm on a Friday evening, it’s possible she has a track record of poor boundaries, and her DH sees a future of more lengthy weepy phone calls. I grew up as the eldest daughter of a woman like this, who had no boundaries and was a magnet for the unfortunate and lonely, who would get up in the middle of a family dinner to listen to an hour-long monologue from someone who couldn’t have picked her out of a police lineup.

I bet all her former friends have quietly put distance between them or blocked her. Listen to your DH. This will not end well. Stop communicating before she becomes fixated with you. I hope she doesn’t know where you live.

DH is still not happy with me today over this.

Ask yourself why? She's calling someone she doesn't know as a friend but as a professional she pays to provide a service to help her with her personal life problems. That's a massive red flag. She will drain the life out of you if you're not careful. I don't think you should engage further with this, when she messages you, send her links to Samaritans/debt support charity/domestic abuse service/mental health line/whatever is appropriate for the problems she is having and tell her you can't support her any further, you're a professional providing a service and whilst you care about her welfare, you aren't able to provide the kind of support she's looking for.

He's completely right. You're being too soft.

Does your husband control all your friendships? If you like her and could see a friendship forming then lean into it and support her. If you’re not arsed, give her the mumber for local charities and tell her you’re not in a position to help. Whichever of these decisions you make has precisely fuck all to do with your husband. Do you tell him who he can golf with, when he can text them and who and when he can’t? No. Because you’re not a controlling arse and I bet he’d tell you where to go pronto if you tried.

He’s the problem here, and I bet this is part of a bigger control issue. This is why I’m no longer married, these men think they can make decisions for you that have absolutely nothing to do with them. You are your own person and entitled to choose who you give your time, support and friendship to. Also you decide where your boundaries lie. Does he insist you can never have a friend that started off a client? Does he have friends from work? Of course he does.

Whilst I think that your DH could have valid points - this person sounds like they need a lot of support and it may take a lot of your time to provide it… his response is also very strong.

Would the support impact family life at all? Or does he know this client and it’s awkward? Just feels that his reaction is very disproportionate to what actually happened .

This is nuts. A distressed client phones the hairdresser she barely knows and cries for ninety minutes at her on a Friday night — and you’re making this about friendship? There’s no friendship whatsoever here. We have no idea why the client phoned her hairdresser, but nothing about trauma dumping for an hour and a half on a virtual stranger says’ meeting of minds’ or indicates any particularly liking for the client on the OP’s part.

If you really think that crying down the phone to your hairdresser, beautician or dry cleaner is a nice way way to start a friendship, I think you should really think again about your ideas of friendship.

He doesn’t get to dictate how you spend your time. He’s given his opinion and you can say something along the lines of yes, I see what you are saying and I’ve decided that I’m going to help this woman. That should be the end of it.

he shouldn’t be going mad at you, stomping off and giving you are hard time.

Is he controlling in other ways?

Your posts aren’t really about your client are they? You are telling us about your husband. What else can you tell us about him?

The issue here is not rhe woman, it’s your husband and the utter disrespect he has for you. He should not be involved in this, you’re a grown up and have freedom of choice, you don’t need his permission.

so you need to get that sorted, I am going to guess this isn’t the first time he’s tried to bully and pressurise you, shown you he’s unhappy worh you if you don’t do as he says.

so id say probably you both need help, you and rhis woman. I cannot imagine a scenario my husband behaved like yours, it is controlling and unacceptable and shows a completely disrespect for you.

That’s what I think this isn’t about the woman, it’s about her husbands bullying and controlling behaviour, which is abusive, and this is just an example.