To ask if she overstepped the boundary or if I’m being unreasonable?

[Starinthesky1]

One of my clients (I’m a hairdresser) rang me out of the blue last night on my personal mobile (clients do have my mobile but they usually just ring the salon number and this particular client has never rang my mobile before so her number wasn’t saved in my phone so I just answered as it was a mobile number and didn’t know who it was at first) outside of work hours (she rang at 7pm) crying asking if I had time for a chat. I said I did and had a long chat with her, ended up on the phone for over 90 minutes. This isn’t a client I’ve previously been friends with, I do her hair but I mean we don’t have a friendship outside of that. She is basically having a tough time at the moment and could do with a friend/some support. I’m happy to support her but my DH thinks she overstepped the boundary because she’s a client and if I’m honest I did feel a bit uncomfortable at first when she called me last night but I am happy to support her. She has an appointment with me on Tuesday (she had this appointment booked before her call last night) so she could have spoke to me then too. Like I said, I am happy to support her but I do wonder if DH is right that she has possibly overstepped the boundary as I did feel a bit uncomfortable at first when she called. Has she overstepped the boundary or am I being unreasonable?

Agree with other posters that I wouldn't want to think that someone was alone and desperate. But, from your update, it sounds like she is latching on to you.

Can you do a Google of relevant support services in your area and point her in that direction?

If she calls again, then don't take the call and message her a little while later to say you are out to dinner, or have family round etc. It's one thing not wanting to brush off someone in their hour of need - but you need to protect yourself otherwise you could very easily be sucked in.

FWIW actual counsellors and therapists have boundaries around when clients are allowed to contact them (and for what) because it’s so important to maintain separation from them, partly because counselling is so draining and the therapist (you in this case) needs to protect their own energy. You can’t be on call for all your clients, what if they all start doing this or if she starts ringing you up at 3am or something. Don’t feel guilty for asserting an appropriate boundary.

If I’m honest I think she just needs a friend and someone to talk to about things and that’s what I’m happy to do I think but DH is adamant he thinks I shouldn’t help her and he thinks I should ask her not to call or message again.

Some unbelievable responses here. What boundary?! She’s a human being going through a tough time, reaching out to another human being! I can’t believe the people saying ignore her, or she’s ‘just a client’.

I would like to ask the posters saying the above to imagine one of their children, their sister, their mum etc going through a really tough period and the only person they felt they could talk to in that moment was their hairdresser. Would you want the hairdresser to ignore the call because they’re ‘just a client’? We’re all human beings first and foremost.

OP, You might be the only person in the world she feels able to talk to right now.

Why do we as a society constantly tell people to
reach out and talk to someone when we’re needing support if this is the reception they’re going to get?!

Bizarre.

It’s not up to your dh if you choose to help. I have to admit, your first post reminded me of an old friend I used to have, I can’t articulate it but you sound kind of self doubting. My friend’s DH used to get huffy if she helped people and would tell her other people had crossed a line.

Saying that, my sil also used to give out her mobile number to clients and also post stuff in Facebook RE suicide along the lines “if anyone reading this is struggling and thinking the unthinkable , please just phone me”. And she then kind of complains when they do.

I’d think if she seems like she needs help, and YOU want to help her, then go for it, just be careful you don’t get sucked up in it. Dont say no just because your dh tells you to.

I'd get that removed. I'm not a hairdresser but I work with the public, I have a separate work mobile and that is turned off outside of working hours.

But this is a hairdresser not a therapist. A hairdresser who advertises her personal number on her business card. And who probably talks to clients like they’re friends (as most hairdressers do!) so to compare the OP to a therapist with a patient confidentiality agreement is ridiculous.

Not often I agree with DHs on here but I do agree with yours!
You have been kind enough to listen but you’re not a therapist or mental health professional so be careful here. In these jobs they have strict professional boundaries for their own sake as well as the client/patient. Refer her onto her GP or Samaritans or something and don’t let her latch onto you, it’ll help neither of you.

Yes but the OP is also a human, and empathetic people can easily be taken advantage of. People in need should usually be guided towards someone who has the energetic resources and sometimes the training to be able to deal appropriately with whatever the person wants to share- which could be anything. And harm can be done in both directions when the relationship is blurred or if the material being shared is difficult or if the advice given is uninformed.

I think you should get a separate work phone for clients. She definitely overstepped, your DH is correct. She must be extremely desperate if you’re the only person she could reach out to though, poor woman.

I didn’t mention patient confidentiality, I’m talking about energy, trauma, triggers, and appropriate care. OP has to look after herself and this client, and that doesn’t always look exactly like being available at any moment for any amount of time.

It's not up to your DH what your boundaries are, OP - tbh I think he's doing quite a bit of overstepping there himself.

I do feel like I’m being pressured a bit by DH because he keeps telling me he thinks I should tell her not to call or message again because he’s adamant he thinks she has overstepped the boundary.

It’s hard because whilst I did feel a bit uncomfortable at first when she called I do also care and don’t want her to be alone and struggling with no one to talk to.

I think he’s seen a red flag and wants to protect his wife. This woman has mistaken a friendly client relationship for a friendship. That’s a clear sign of not understanding social boundaries.

That uncomfortable feeling you got at the beginning of the phone call was your instincts warning you.

You know I think you did a kind thing. We’re so quick to tell people get support, reach out. She’s done that. You’re away from her family and friendship circles enough to be away from the problems. But have also supported them feeling connected enough to do that. I worked in bridal T times it would happen on the work phone. If you don’t want to carry it on that’s ok too x

She obviously feels you are a friendly ear but I would be really uncomfortable with that and worry you are going to get dragged into all sorts of drama that is nothing to do with you. Cut it off now, treat her just like a customer when she comes in and if she rings again keep it short.

This. Definitely this. I know this is going to sound hard but I think you need to be really careful because you can't unknow things and its quite a risk. If she regrets telling you stuff or it gets out and she blames you, you are going to end up in a nasty situation. It will be through your meaning well but you could end up in shit creek. I think saying "she crossed a boundary" is not a very kind way of putting it, and you did let her, but I think there is some truth in what your husband has said....sorry.

Reading the OP posts it comes across that the issue is more the DH and his opinions?
If you are happy to listen to this lady and support her then your DH should respect that.
I personally could never turn anyone away who was struggling and in need of someone to listen to them.

I would back away and seriously consider your client relationship. Your husband is right. The phone call was inappropriate and has crossed a professional boundary. You are not her friend. Why call you?

Your DH keeps quoting a boundary.
You have given out your personal mobile number with no restrictions. She can’t cross a boundary if you haven’t put any in place.

She obviously felt you were someone she could talk to, she called and asked if you had time to chat. She gave you the opportunity to say no, you didn’t & you were happy to chat to her. Your DH obviously thinks you shouldn’t be her friend/shoulder/confidante, but that’s not his choice, it’s yours.

If you don’t want someone to overstep boundaries, they have to know what those boundaries are.

If you no longer want her to confide in you, guide her towards someone else (Samaritans if needed) but don’t let your DH decide what your boundaries are.

He sounds awful. How cold and thoughtless, I would see him differently. It's very kind of you to actually care and help.

I think she was desperate and didn’t have anyone else to call to be honest

It was nice if you to talk to her. Something else that you might like to consider is it is very likely you will lose her as a client . She has opened up massively to you. when things turn around for her she might not like that you know as much about her personal life as you do.
this is another reason why business relationships have boundaries
Likw others have suggested it is best if you point her to professionals

I feel like I’m being pressured by him a little to be honest