To want one more child?

[Whatnow777]

I'm 44, AMH 0.5. One biological child 2.5 years old through IVF. 4 miscarriages in my past. We are not in a great position financially but both want to complete family with a second child. Wae have been trying naturally but not had success yet. 3 of the 4 miscarriages were naturally conceived.
Options:

1. We have one mosaic -15 embryo in storage from 2023.
2. Donor egg. I would only feel comfortable having donor egg if the child is able to contact the donor at some point. I am not too keen on idea of donor as it seems so complicated and I worry about child feeling different to our other.
3. Try IVF again

Financially we are not in a great place at the moment as I have been scammed out of some money recently. We would have to get a loan to cover any option. What would you do?

Honestly it sounds really unlikely to work and you will loose enjoying one of the best toddler years with your child to hormonal injections and disappointment. Your child will grow very quickly and you won’t get to raise them twice, embrace it

Enjoy the child you have

What I would do is to sit down and think very carefully what I think the second child will add to my world that the first one doesn't. The result would probably be "nothing" and I would rather pour my limited resources into making my existing child's life as good as it can be.

No honestly I wouldn’t, I think you will spend a lot of precious time of your child’s early years distracted by the huge emotional upheaval of trying for a baby. I think that’s the biggest risk but the financial impact is not insignificant either.

No you’d be stupid you don’t have the money for it. You need to think about being able to provide for your existing child, they get very expensive as the years go on.

I’d give anything for a second, it would be an 11 year age gap though and I’m also 44 with partner suffering secondary infertility and myself large fibroids, also one miscarriage in 2024. It’s so hard to make peace with and if I’m honest I do feel incomplete. If you do decide to try any of those options maybe agree a time frame and an amount of money you’re prepared to spend so it doesn’t go on endlessly and if it doesn’t work out you knew you did everything that you could in your power and can use that to help you process. I don’t feel like we did everything we could so feel a little resentful of partners passivity in the situation. One child is wonderful for me but he could have really done with a sibling, and that brings me huge amounts of guilt, but we make sure he has a very loving, full and active childhood nonetheless

I enjoy and love the child I have. Wanting another is also partly for her to have a sibling.

Never said I didn't. Do all mums who have more than one not enjoy the first one?

You said you're not in a good position financially and would have to get a loan. That's what they're referring to.

Yes there would be a loan initially, but money is not normally an issue - I should have stated that. I was recently scammed and that has made it tricky right now, but generally very financially stable and could afford to have two. It's just right now it's not that easy.

If you need a loan for this then you put your family into precariousness, at a time when things are getting tougher financially for us all.

This endangers the child you have.

Are you saying that the process of IVF, the distress that more miscarriages might cause will have no impact on your mood or your ability to focus on your existing child?

Children don't need siblings. Only children do very well.
https://www.sciencefocus.com/science/only-children

Thank you for sharing your story and your honest and considerate response.

I keep reading this ridiculous reason over and over on Mumsnet.

Having another child so a current child can have a sibling is such an irresponsible thing to do.

Even if it is just 'partly' the reason.

To answer your question, I'd stick with one.

What does your partner think?

At 44, the odds are diminishing and you could get into debt and never have a sibling. Perhaps coming to terms when having an only might be the best option.

I've got one and if it was going to put me in debt, require IVF, and send me back to sleepless nights in my mid-40s when I was finally coming out the toddler stage (existing child will be 3.5/4) then I wouldn't do it.

Maybe budget for trying one more round of IVF.
I wouldn't use a donor due to your reasoning of the children feeling different to one another.

If IVF fails perhaps assisting children regularly as a foster family might give your only child a taste of healthy sibling rivalry

Child doesn’t need a sibling. They also don’t need parents going through financial difficulty, health struggles and potential emotional turmoil of another miscarriage or failed IVF. You don’t need to bring a child into this world who won’t know their genetic background until they are 18.

I wouldn’t use a donor egg. I’d probably try another round of IVF and have in my mind that this was my last chance. I’d try not to get my hopes up. It might help like a previous poster said in satisfying in your mind that you tried and have to accept it.

No, I wouldn’t in your situation.

Are one child families not "complete"?

The chance of a new round of IVF being successful at 44 is miniscule, so I'd rule that out. A simple mosaic embryo has a reasonable chance. I would give that a shot.

You say you'd need a loan for all 3 options, meaning you don't even have a few grand for the transfer of the existing embryo. In that case, I think you should definitely rule out donor conception, it's very expensive.

I would transfer the embryo you have, the other options you've got don't seem sensible given your financial state.

I’d go with option 4. Accept my lot that I’m really lucky to have one wonderful child and put my time, energy and money into them. They don’t need a sibling. Taking loans out to try and achieve this is an irresponsible nonsense.

OP, you want a second child for you not for your existing child. Truth be told, most kids would far prefer the undivided attention of their parents, not sharing it. The amount of stress trying to get pregnant again (by whatever means) will most certainly have an impact on the household and therefore your existing child. You really will lose precious time faffing about with that and mired in emotional turmoil, rather than enjoying (and coping with) their toddler years. And at 44 you could have a child with disabilities.

I have been through secondary infertility. I now have a second child through ivf in my late 30s. I hope I’m not being insensitive by saying this but I’m just going to be honest . I was desperate to give my child a sibling but he’s not even that bothered. I have now realised that I don’t even know why I was so desperate and it was for me I was desperate not for him. Having one child is magical . You have such a close relationship with them and you can offer them so much time and attention.