To want one more child?

[Whatnow777]

I'm 44, AMH 0.5. One biological child 2.5 years old through IVF. 4 miscarriages in my past. We are not in a great position financially but both want to complete family with a second child. Wae have been trying naturally but not had success yet. 3 of the 4 miscarriages were naturally conceived.
Options:

1. We have one mosaic -15 embryo in storage from 2023.
2. Donor egg. I would only feel comfortable having donor egg if the child is able to contact the donor at some point. I am not too keen on idea of donor as it seems so complicated and I worry about child feeling different to our other.
3. Try IVF again

Financially we are not in a great place at the moment as I have been scammed out of some money recently. We would have to get a loan to cover any option. What would you do?

And many people, myself included, enjoyed growing up without. There is absolutely no way of telling how much your child will enjoy having a sibling, having your attention divided between them and a baby. Especially when it comes with financial sacrifices which directly impact on their quality of life, even if temporarily.

im 44 too and there’s a part of me that thinks what if but we don’t have an embryo. Give it one last shot, if you have the emotional capacity

The older you and dad are the more likely for complications, special needs? Are you taking that into account? If that happens would you be expecting sibling to take care of them when you no longer can

Transfer the embryo you’ve got as it’s a relatively quick and straightforward process compared to full IVF.
If that fails keep having regular unprotected sex and leave it to fate. Don’t pin everything on it.

We discussed every single pregnancy and finances etc before even getting pregnant even down to if the NHS goes down making sure we could cover drs and dentists etc or if one of us lost a job etc...however if we couldn't have done that we would not have had our bigger family. We certainly wouldn't have put ourselves into a debt either. The one plus tho I had our last twins at 45 and there now 2 so you still have time ,good luck with whatever you decide

Honestly I wouldn't. Given your age. Its highly unlikely to work. The cost would be huge. Enjoy the child you have.

This is great advice amongst some absolutely ridiculous comments.

I'm your age and I only have one.

He has not suffered at all from not having a sibling. If anything, his life has been richer, literally and figuratively.

There is absolutely no way I would put my body through pregnancy and childbirth at this age. Nor would I go through perimenopause with a baby / toddler.

Be happy with your child.

I loved growing up with a sibling. But my memories are based on the days i was old enough to remember, and i didn’t factor in how hard it actually is dealing with 2 kids when they are both very little.

The economy is not in a good state right now so honestly, it’s not a sensible idea to have another child when you already can’t afford one.

And it’s just my personal choice but no way in hell would I consider more kids at 44. Sorry.

What’s ridiculous about advising against another child when you’re in your mid 40s and can’t afford it?

Some of the comments have been harsh but non have been ridiculous. It’s called being realistic and honest.

I would try option 1, I don’t think I could not try that one.
I wouldn’t go for 2 or 3 though. 2 because I really disagree with egg donation. 3 because of the stress and financial toll.

Try and look at positives and enjoy the child you have, your family doesn’t need a second child to be complete

A 15% mosaic embryo has a c.50-60% chance of success and would actually typically be considered "normal" (but if its an embryo with high levels of mosaicism on the 15th chromosome it would be likely to be less successful and that chromosone is higher risk for issues - hard to tell from your description). At 44 IVF is very, very low likelihood espeically with your historic issues, much more expensive and much more intrusive than attempting the mosaic pregnancy. I wouldn't blend a donor egg with my own egg for fear of the impact that have on the family dynamics for the two children long-term.

I would therefor suggest if you want one more go try the mosaic chromosone (being careful to understand the implications) and then move on with life.

The isn’t something to seek rational decisioning for. If you want another child, just go for it. You don’t need to justify it. Nobody does. As it’s such a time sensitive thing, do it now. You don’t need an explanation. Wanting to have a bigger family is a feeling. Go for it, it’s what you want.

Out of curiosity, why are you recommending someone has another child when they can’t afford it and it means they will get into debt?

Or a sibling can bring strife and rivalry. I have nothing in common with either of my siblings. We all have very different interest and lifestyles. Youngest is decent and we get on ok but don't see each other often. The middle one is a nasty piece of work who was a bully as a child and never grew out of it. You don't get a guarantee on the relationship they will have.

I think the cold hard truth is that at 44 the chances of a healthy pregnancy are slim. In your shoes the only option I would consider is giving it a shot with the embryo you have.

I also see red when I see this nonsense about children “needing” a sibling. Its a complete old wife’s tale and its so frustrating that this gets wheeled out again and again and again just because people parrot what they hear and don’t apply critical thought.

OP, sorry because it sounds painful for you to come to terms with not having a second child but its glaringly obvious that its the wrong thing to do at almost every level and please don’t do it because nosy idiots have convinced you every child needs a sibling.

You could use the embryo you have and/or continue to try to conceive naturally, but you have to be realistic about the odds of a successful pregnancy at your age and with your history of miscarriage.

I absolutely wouldn’t get into debt for IVF in your circumstances, and I think you’re right to consider the pitfalls of using a donor egg.

Honestly, at 44 I think I’d personally be trying to accept that it is unlikely I will be having more children and enjoy my family as is.

Do whatever you like without a thought for the impact on your existing family or the cost, even though the chances of conceiving are negligible and it will cost you thousands. Just because you have a “feeling”. Give me strength…

Hi OP. You're getting a rough ride on here. I understand your heart is crying out for another, and that feeling is hars to rationalise away.

My advice would be to go the mosaic route, but decide that's your last attempt, and instead get some couple counselling with DH if it doesn't work to help process any grief. Then, think about how much the other routes would cost, and plan to put that money aside for your DCs savings, either for uni or a first car etc, to take that money off the table for any further explorations.

What a mean response. You have clearly never experienced the pain of not being able to conceive. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all

I'm sorry for the OP, who is clearly in pain. But the other poster who weighed in saying she should just crack on and try to have another baby because she had a "feeling" was doing her a huge disservice. This is someone who already has a child, asking if they should spend a large amount of money on trying to have another child when the odds are very much against them.

And here's some random tipping up on the internet to say: "screw the cost, screw the impact to your existing family, screw the potential impact on your health and your finances. Just have another baby because you feel like it."

I've rarely seen a sillier or less constructive comment on Mumsnet than someone trying to persuade another person who is having a sensible internal debate that she should just throw caution to the winds and do it because she has a "feeling".

If I applied that logic to everything I wanted in life I'd just quit my job because I had a "feeling", or buy an expensive house which I can't afford because I have a "feeling".

It's childish to think that people wanting more babies has to be some special protected characteristic which no one is ever allowed to question. And while I have every sympathy for this OP, the people saying: "yeah just go for it because you want it" are contemptible and irresponsible.

I’m surprised you haven’t transferred the mosaic already. Give that embryo a chance and then make peace with it. Further IVF rounds at 44/45 with such a low AMH would be really hard and far from guaranteed.

Can I ask why? Children benefit massively from having siblings