To want one more child?

[Whatnow777]

I'm 44, AMH 0.5. One biological child 2.5 years old through IVF. 4 miscarriages in my past. We are not in a great position financially but both want to complete family with a second child. Wae have been trying naturally but not had success yet. 3 of the 4 miscarriages were naturally conceived.
Options:

1. We have one mosaic -15 embryo in storage from 2023.
2. Donor egg. I would only feel comfortable having donor egg if the child is able to contact the donor at some point. I am not too keen on idea of donor as it seems so complicated and I worry about child feeling different to our other.
3. Try IVF again

Financially we are not in a great place at the moment as I have been scammed out of some money recently. We would have to get a loan to cover any option. What would you do?

It's not that I think one child families are not complete. I shouldn't have worded it like that. I just loved growing up with a sibling, that is all.

A sibling can bring you a lot of joy. I don't think it's ridiculous, you might have a different view, but I would not call you ridiculous. Thank you for being so kind.

I'd give it one more go. Whether it's option 1 or 3, is up to you. But I really recognize the feeling of wanting another.

I'm not being unkind I'm saying it's totally ridiculous because it is.

The child you already have won't be raising their sibling, feeding, clothing them, or putting a roof over their head.

They should not be taken into consideration when your and your DP are thinking about having another child.

I know you say you're normally in a better financial position, but have recently been scammed. What's to stop you being scammed again?

As an only child I always wished for a sibling so as not to be so alone. It is definitely worth considering their firstborn.

Their firstborn is 2 and a half years old.

They'll have no idea what the toddler wants and nor will the toddler.

And it's irrelevant anyway considering the toddler won't be raising their sibling.

But OP is 44, she also needs to be realistic

The majority of responders are not and will have never been in your position. I had secondary infertility and whilst I adored my first child, I felt like my life and family were not complete. I had multiple rounds of IVF and finally went down the donor egg route. I now have a beautiful 2nd child who is adored by all who meet them and completes our family. I have a (very) large gap, I went into debt, and I had quite a lot of 'bad' years (emotionally and physically). However, as soon as I held that baby in my arms it was all forgotten and it made the struggle absolutely worth it. I was in my mid 40s. Life is short and while this may sound flippant 'its only money' (a good friend has recently lost her sister at age 47). So, my view is that life very short, it is for living and debt (as long as you can manage it, e.g not lose your home and still have a reasonable quality of life) isn't hugely important in the grand scheme of things. Donor egg treatment has a very high success rate and if you feel you can cope with it, go for it. If I hadn't given it a try, I know I would have regretted it for the rest of my life. People will be on to disagree with everything I've said but you've asked for opinions and this is my first hand experience. Like I said, I love my first child very much and knew I was lucky to have a child, but that doesn't take away the pain when you can't have a 2nd. Good luck with whatever you decide x

Why would she be scammed again?? I'm sure she's 'learnt her lesson'. What a odd thing to say.

@Easterbonnet26 does your DD know who her genetic mum is?

As someone who has been through IVF, miscarriages and infertility. I’d absolutely try that final embryo. But I probably wouldn’t try IVF again and I wouldn’t use donor eggs if I had a biological child already.

Of course they are, and it irritates me when people think they're not!
Plenty of families with one child are happy and complete.

I haven't ever been scammed, but some of the people I know who have been scammed have been scammed more than once. Obviously it depends upon what the scam was as to whether it's likely to happen again.

Some children wish for siblings, some wish they were only children. Some toddlers meet the new baby and want it sent back. It's not really the point.
It's about the level of risk, hardship and heartbreak involved for this OP.

I would certainly not use a donor egg. Read up on testimonies from Donor Conceived UK at how many DC people struggle all their lives with their identities. Plus egg donation takes a huge and frankly exploitative toll on the very young donors who are paid £985 per cycle for their eggs. It’s awful.

At your age and after miscarriages I would say be grateful for what you’ve got and leave it there. Maybe have unprotected sex for the next few years, and if nothing happens accept it’s not meant to be, and let it go.

And I hate my older brother, with whom I have nothing in common except dna, and we have no contact.

You were saying?

It sounds very much as if you want to go for it, and you are clearly no stranger to disappointment and heartbreak. Perhaps you'll be lucky, you never know. You could conceive naturally this month, your embryo in storage could transfer successfully.
It's understandable that people are cautioning you, but only you and your DH can make the decision.
Good luck. 🤞

Fair point.

At 44 time has ran out for you, it’s now or never. Would you want to destroy your embryo without finding out if it would be successful or not? I would go for it, because it’s better to try rather than look back and regret not doing it but remember that at your age there is a high chance of failure. Whatever happens, you have been blessed with one child which is more than many people have.

Enjoy the child you have. Don’t waste your time, money and energy, even with unlimited amounts of time, energy and money. I’d let the dream go.
There is loads of only children these days.
Save your money for your child’s future.
Don’t get into debt for this.

Sorry if this is a daft question, but why would you consider options 2 and 3 if you have embryos already?

I have two children born 18 months apart and the same sex … they are very different, have nothing in common and literally never talk to each other (now aged 19 and 20), assuming siblings will be close to each other is a huge misconception

Option 2 - you wouldn’t be having your child though would you - you would be having someone else’s. The origins of donor eggs is morally dubious at best

enjoy the child you have - sometimes you just have to accept that whatever life choices you have made along the way you are sadly 20 years too late to be starting to think about having another child

20 years to late? That’s a bit much