To want one more child?

[Whatnow777]

I'm 44, AMH 0.5. One biological child 2.5 years old through IVF. 4 miscarriages in my past. We are not in a great position financially but both want to complete family with a second child. Wae have been trying naturally but not had success yet. 3 of the 4 miscarriages were naturally conceived.
Options:

1. We have one mosaic -15 embryo in storage from 2023.
2. Donor egg. I would only feel comfortable having donor egg if the child is able to contact the donor at some point. I am not too keen on idea of donor as it seems so complicated and I worry about child feeling different to our other.
3. Try IVF again

Financially we are not in a great place at the moment as I have been scammed out of some money recently. We would have to get a loan to cover any option. What would you do?

This is only my opinion and appreciate others will disagree but I don’t think it’s fair to spend so much time, mental energy and physical energy to having a 2nd at the expense of your first child not getting this from you

@Trainup

Can I ask why? Children benefit massively from having siblings

Not automatically, they don't. It's case by case. Children can benefit from having siblings if they have a good relationship with their siblings, and if there are sufficient resources to raise them properly.

Not all siblings get on: it's a lottery. Some people have appalling relationships with their siblings and grow up estranged, or worse.

Plenty of people have multiple children because they feel they "ought to provide a sibling", or because they can't think of anything better to do, and find they can't afford to give the time or resources multiple children.

I wish people would stop coming out with this as if it were an acknowledged truth. It causes so much unnecessary stress and pain to families where having a second or third child isn't in the best interests of the existing child(ren).

If you have 15 embryos in storage, why not try frozen embryo transfer with them?

IVF at 44 with a low AMH will not be easy. You’ll likely need approx 3 cycles to even get one embryo that can be transferred, if that.

Donor egg is your best option and in the U.K. it’s no longer anonymous.

good luck with whatever you decide ❤️

She does not have 15 embryos

It’s a hard decision. One I’ve had to make with my partner. We are leaning towards being one and done. Leaving all our emotional, physical & financial resources to our one child. No guarantee that siblings will get along.

Really only you can make that choice.

We also used a bank loan for IVF. We also lost significant money around the time we started. I didn’t want to delay. I’m less than a year from paying off the loan & it was a good choice for us.

Really look at why you want a second child. Is it just an assumption you always had.

We are one and done mostly due to circumstances (would need more IVF & low finances & similar age). We also choose not to push more as we can’t emotionally face more failure and our one requires a lot of attention and only having one lets us have a little bit more of a life outside being parents.

Madness.

I know that want a 2nd child and want your existing child to have a sibling. Your 44 and have fertility issues. You had IVF for your existing child. At the moment you are financially not in a good place and want to take out a loan for IVF.

I think that you need to accept that it better for you and your existing child to be one and done.
The success rates for IVF are far poorer as you get older. Then you could have a child with special needs or autism. The chances are higher with you and your partners age.
Then you want to get a loan so your getting into debit which won't help your current financial situation either.

I had a friend in there 40's and they always wanted to have 2 kid's. They were at the stage do we try for another child before it to late or to accept that they were one and done. Now a few years later they are happy with this decision.
Shortly after this a few things happened and having 1 child made thing easier then.
They are happy as a couple, they are not struggling financially and there child is doing well also.

I know couples who decided to have a second or another child years ago. The kids are now older and they are finding out the reality of having 2 or more children. The cost of food, clothes, extra circular activities and education are getting higher each year. This is not to mention dealing with kids in there teens and the problems they can have.

In your situation I would be happy with one child and work on improving your finances to give you all a better life rather than getting into debt for IVF and very little chance of a 2nd child.

Please don’t use this as a reason to have a second child. Many siblings don’t get on - read the many threads on Mumsnet. You might get lucky and they enjoy each others company but just as likely they will be distant and minimal interaction , particularly once they reach late teens / adulthood. Based on your OP I wouldn’t push for a second. You are going to waste precious time with your child while you go through the medical investigations and procedures , screening and possible / probable heartache. Is that really worth it and as a consequence you adversely impact the relationship you have with your daughter as she gets older she will remember. Even if you are successful and have a second child the resentment may still be there as you weren’t present for your first child and she may feel alienated that you obviously thought more of the second child because of the effort you went to. She won’t understand what you went through to have her as she wasn’t there to witness it.

I find your position ridiculous. Siblings are a joy, a wonderful thing. It's not an irrelevant consideration.

It's not irresponsible to give a child a sibling, far from it.

Siblings are not universally a "joy" though. Why is this so hard for people to understand that this varies from family to family?

They can be a joy, they can be an absolute nightmare. It depends on each family and there are as many factors as there are families.

Having multiple children if you want them, can have them and can afford them is a great idea. Having them because you think you "owe" a child a sibling is madness. No one should be telling anyone, least of all someone who is having difficulty conceiving, that they have an obligation to have more children!

Nobody said anyone had an obligation to have more. But saying that wanting a child to have a sibling is ridiculous is just insane. The majority of parents want their kids to have siblings. It's the norm. .
Perfectly fine to not want that, but bizarre to suggest it's in anyway a strange thing to want.

But the whole point of this thread is that having another child for this OP would be in a best case scenario stressful and very expensive and in all likelihood would not work at all.

But people keep telling the OP to just go for it because she needs to provide her child with a sibling or because she has “feelings”. Its short sighted, silly and hugely insensitive.

People are so obsessed with this hoary old canard that children “need” siblings that they are ignoring the real challenges and limitations in this case and urging the OP on as if they were daring her to get a new haircut.

Of course lots of people want multiple children. But that doesn’t mean they have to be hell bent of having them at virtually any cost to themselves and their families!

I’m still confused why anyone would consider donor or IVF if you have an embryo ready to go? Am I missing something?

OP - I say go for it. Option 1.

Only you can decide OP. but as you have asked for opinions.
I would give it one last shot with option 1 as long as you can provide for both children financially if successful.
I understand the longing. I pined to have a second and always felt like somebody was missing from my family. However my post natal illness and depression was scary and I have decided not to go through that againm.its sad but it's the right decision.
So for you the finances seem to be your concern. If you can afford it why not

I had one easily enough and then unexplained infertility.

I went through treatment for a second that didn't work and then I conceived naturally but mc'd at 9 weeks. I felt my DD needed a sibling (my dh is a contented only so didn't feel the same need on her behalf). After the mc though, I desperately wanted a baby.

I was told by a friend (an only child) that her mother had spent a lot of her childhood devastated that she couldn't have a second child. That made my friend feel terrible: like she wasn't enough. I took that on board and realised I would have to reign in my feelings but actually got pregnant naturally at that time.

I had a second child and of course they are fabulous but all the advantages are to him....not the child I thought needed a sibling. In hindsight (they are adults now) the main benefit to the elder child is that we are not so focused on her but that's the sum of it.

I remember the irrationality of wanting a baby but if it helps the younger will be the primary beneficiary of the sibling relationship ime. And there have been times when we could have given our all to our eldest but couldn't because youngest needed us. I know this is normal and it only crossed my mind because I had been so desperate for a second child thinking she (and we) needed one to make us complete.

I so much wanted a second, but adopted at 44 and was just too old, and my dh older. I found it hard but have made my peace with it. Also now I can see how much risk there is with every child of having serious challenges (health issues, mental or physical) that make parenting hard.

In your shoes I would try with the existing embryo’s. I had secondary infertility and can understand your longing. Good luck OP

It's because the embryo is classified as mosaic - it means hypothetically lower implantation, higher miscarriage rates, and, rarely, serious developmental issues. But, having said this, lots of embryos are 'mosaic' at a certain point and develop to become 'normal' so its a gamble situation

@Whatnow777 thank you for explaining, that makes sense. Have you decided what you’re going to do?

Can bring you joy. Not necessarily though I have got two brothers and while one brings me joy the other one has done all the contrary so you never know. My DS2 wishes he hadn't his older brother who is autistic and can be a pain. Being older your child you increase the likelyhood for disabilities.
At 44 I wouldn't go for it.

I agree, enjoy the one you've got. You are 44, get some counselling for accepting how things are if you need to.

Your child does not need a sibling if you make sure they have enough friends/family. Yes sometimes a sibling is your best friend but rarely and sometimes they are a nightmare! It can be nice to have someone who understands your family but we can't all have everything and acceptance is a powerful emotion.

I don't think I will do more IVF, I think I accept the time is up. I don't think I will go down donor egg route but still slightly* open to it, my husband is more into the idea. I'm also open to just accepting that this is it (and I really want to stress I am over the moon having one child). But at the moment my gut is telling me to give this mosaic embryo a chance. It has been niggling me for a long time.

Thank you all for your thoughts, it is helpful