Birthday gift? Ungrateful?

[TaraW20]

So it's my birthday today.
I have been with DH for 12 years and he's rubbish with gifts to the stage where the last few years I've asked for nothing because previous years I would ask for stuff and end up woih things I didn't like.

When its other peoples birthdays I try never to get a voucher as I prefer to give people something they want or will give a voucher if thats what's asked. This is purely my opinion but I think vouchers can look a bit thoughtless especially from a spouse. So I got a primark voucher today.

I also got a laptop. I am trying to complete my degree and our laptop is rubbish as its an old chromebook I started looking for a new one around October last year and DH said he knows more about laptops so he would find one. I said ok but as long as its not expensive.
Hes started doing things at his work that he needs a laptop for so turned round to me a few days ago and I im just gonna tell you I've bought you a laptop for your birthday because I was using the one we have last week and its rubbish so since we both need it I got one. I said okay thanks hope it was an okay price and its expensive more than im comfortable in spending.

I can see how I seem ungrateful but its something we need and have needed for 6 months and now its to be seen as an extravagant present?

To be fair he said to me at the start of the month when I said I needed to buy new work shoes that they would be my birthday present.

This is why I ask for nothing because I get made out to be ungrateful for getting things I dont want, dont ask for or things that are needed and they've to seen as a present.

AIBU to be a but upset and feel a bit worthless?

I fail to see an issue. You needed new shoes, he bought you new shoes. You needed a laptop, he got you a laptop. What's the problem? Did you want those things in addition to your birthday present (which is what? Nothing? Primark voucher?). It seems as though both do these things are something you both want and need... So again, I am not understanding why you say you don't ask for what you need...because he would buy it for you and then you suddenly don't want it?
Can you clarify? Because it, unfortunately, does feel as though you are being unreasonable.

So basically you know he’s rubbish at gifts but really you want him to surprise you with the perfect present.,.but then it sounds like you wouldn’t be happy about him spending money on something you didn’t ask for anyway. I get that you are disappointed though, but equally it sounds like he is in a pretty difficult position too!

To be honest I wanted nothing as I asked for instead of getting things.
Bit of context if I bought him something that was "needed" it wouldn't be deemed a present cos its "needed"

I had to buy and pick the shoes and he would send me the money.

If the laptop was bought 6 months ago when I needed it instead of me having to gonto the library to use their computers and it wasn't said to me as in because he now needs to use one that's why he's finally bought one that he wants.

And it was the money from our account that paid for the voucher.

Why couldn’t you buy the laptop? Don’t you have access to the same money, seeing as your dh could just go and buy one without discussion?

He didn't buy me new shoes. He told me pto buy a pair and he would then send me the money.

He bought the laptop because he now needs a laptop I've had to go to the local library to use the computers when I've needed to do things because I was told not to buy a laptop because I wouldn't buy the right one and he knows more about them so he would deal with it. When I had went into currys and asked about them and showed him one they recommended which was alot cheaper compared to the one today his response was well I want this one. So my present is what he wants is how it made me feel.

I dont go shopping to be honest with you most my clothes are vinted. The only shops I go to are home bargains and food shopping the odd trip to B&Q. It was bought as a last minute thing last night for the kids to give me

He told me id buy the wrong things and to let him deal with it.

I don't really understand the issue either. YABU.

YANBU

I'd rather have a £1 bunch of daffodils he'd thought about & made some effort to get than him pretend the laptop (out if the joint account when HE needed it) was a present for me. Work shoes paid for from the joint account are a necessity not a present.

start buying things for yourself & giving them to him on his birthday!

I totally get it. My ex used to do shit like this. Work shoes are not a birthday present. A laptop that’s needed by you but denied and then suddenly bought because he wants it is not a gift for you.

I get what you're saying OP. It's like getting a dishwasher for the home, and saying its a birthday present. Birthdays should have some frivolous treats, even if its a box of chocs or dinner out, not just be a time when we call things we had to buy anyway a 'present'

So he used joint money to buy something he needed, having refused to get it when you needed it, making your life harder, and he’s trying to call it your birthday present?

No, that’s not your birthday present. Maybe unless only you case use it.

The Primark voucher sounds shit too -
what do they even sell that’s suitable for grown adults??

Maybe try reading the OO's posts again.

he's bought a laptop he now needs & the one he wants & called it a present. NOT the one she wanted or 6 months ago when she needed it.

& transferred money for work shoes she needed.

things he needs, he just buys and doesn't consider them presents.

@TaraW20 start taking some control over your shared finances & stop letting him dictate things. But work shoes when you need them. Things like the laptop just buy what YOU need, if he wants some input if it's going to be shared then tell him your going to buy x tomorrow & if he wants a say in it it need to be tonight.

does he have more disposable income than you? If he does, why??

OP clearly says money from their account is what paid for the voucher. Which would mean she has access to their account and can see transactions.

A laptop is basically like a vacuum cleaner to me, I couldn’t live without a decent one and you can’t as a uni student either! He shouldn’t be buying you something you both need as a birthday present.

Could you just say “I’m glad you finally sorted a laptop, we’ve needed one for ages. But it’s not really a birthday present for me, it’s a household purchase from joint money”, just to make your point.

Thank you for clarifying. It makes a lot more sense now.
I agree, these are not gifts. What does he say when you bring it up?
Also, going forward, I would ignore his "instructions" not to buy what you need because he thinks you will buy the wrong thing. You have just as much right to use joint money as him.

God he sounds awful.
Are you generally happy?

He spent money on a laptop which is needed rather than something pointless or you don't need, and will send you the money for shoes you wanted. Sounds perfect to me.

But she also got a Primark voucher... I think you're a bit ungrateful really, OP.

He’s bought himself a laptop and called it your present. That is crap. It will be interesting to see if you’re free to use it when needed.

But, you need to give him a list of suitable things that you do want. Things you wouldn’t buy for yourself, treats.

If you needed the laptop 6 months ago, why didn't you buy one then?

But he's your husband, not your dad. He can't tell you what to do anymore than you can tell him what to do. Why didn't you sit down and look at options together and decide mutually?

I am going to go against the grain and mostly agree with OP.

An item that you are both going to use - and chosen to meet DH's preferences - is not a birthday present!

And before anyone jumps on me, my birthday presents from DH have sometimes been very practical and expensive (a new phone when I broke mine, and he got me the next model up to the one I was going to get), sometimes frivolous - a theatre trip for example; and also cheap - a jigsaw and a box of chocolates because that's what I wanted that year. So I am happy with a range of stuff - but whatever it is, it's FOR ME.

That would also apply to practical stuff like work shoes if I needed them, if it saved me paying for them, so in that respect I do disagree with OP.

However, I do tell my DH what things I have seen that I would like, I don't leave him to his own devices.

Edited to say that I agree with other posters asking why OP ended up down the library using a laptop there? Why are her needs less important than his? But that's not what OP was originally questioning - although I think she should be.

Hes started doing things at his work that he needs a laptop for so turned round to me a few days ago and I im just gonna tell you I've bought you a laptop for your birthday because I was using the one we have last week and its rubbish so since we both need it I got one
@TaraW20 so he bought you a laptop but in reality it's because by using the one you have there he found out it was rubbish and wants a better one for himself? Yanbu. A bunch of flowers, a takeaway ordered along with your favourite tipple would be a much better birthday present imo.

Happy birthday to you and hope you manage to enjoy your day doing things that you want to do 🥳🥂🎂

If the laptop is for both of you to use then it’s not a birthday present it’s a household item and should be paid for out of the household budget. He should have got you something else - he did, a Primark voucher but it sounds like you wanted something more thoughtful?