AIBU to think 80s parenting was often hands-off and unsupervised?

[N3wUs3rNam3Again]

Is this familiar to anyone else ? I was born in the 80s, my Dad worked a physical job long hours, often away and seemed to mostly sleep when home. My Mum worked part time, mostly school hours, although not when we were little, but she wasn't really a present mum, definitely not child focussed. I don't remember her ever playing with us, although she did read and sing to us at night.

I am 1 of 3 children, so was lucky I had 2 siblings to play with and keep me occupied. In the summer we spent a lot of time outside playing with neighbouring kids, this was without adult supervision, kids ages would range from 5-12, we'd be booted out at 9am. Go in for lunch then back out until 5, we'd go on adventures, get chased by farmers, the big kids looked after the little kids. Were streets safer? There were definitely less cars and more kids, so safety in numbers perhaps.

At home we had a television and a commodore 64, although spent more time watching the commodore 64 load than we did playing it. But I watched Tele, loads of it, Lassie, black beauty, little house on the prairie, the Walton's , neighbours, home and away, blockbusters, why don't you, heart beat, grange hill, BykerGrove, button moon, playschool, T bag, Timmy Mallet, the list is endless and I watched it all without parent oversight.

My parents and their friends, mostly our mum's, drank a lot at weekends, I remember many gathering aged from 5-11 either at our house or friend's where our mum's would get drunk and in the summer we kids would roam outside. We didn't get in to trouble, though I think that's due to luck more than anything. In the winter we'd pile in to a bedroom playing hide and seek in the dark , telling ghost stories, calling up spirits, playing truth or dare and raps (card game).

Even at the beach the parents didn't seem to supervise us, all the kids would be in the sea, mums sunbathing / sleeping but the older kids looked after the younger ones. Again it was probably more luck than anything that we didn't get into trouble.

All sounds quite lovely really even with absent parents although my mum was definitely present if we misbehaved or made a fuss and would give us a smack across our legs for bad behaviour and from memory I think we must have been pretty bad and often!

I just wondered really if my childhood was so totally different to everyone else's as reading posts on here, it seems everyone used to do it so much better than the parents who are doing it today. Don't get me wrong I had a happy enough childhood and my basic needs were met but just because my parents didn't give me a handheld screen to watch doesn't mean they were present and doing it better than the parent today who does.

AIBU - that is not how it was in the 80s for you and your parents were way more present than parents are today.

Sounds familiar. I suspect parents were more aware of what we were up to and where we were than our perceptions from childhood though.
Agree there was probably more playing out with minimal supervision though.
My Mum was good fun but I was expected to play with other children (which I didn't like very much). Also spent a lot of time with my grandparents which is something my DD hasn't been able to do.

Your childhood sounds average for the time, although I am older so was 9 by 1980 but Your childhood sounded like mine, my parents were weird about some things but not others so we could roam the streets but couldn't go to a church hall disco is just an example of their weirdness. I spent a lot of time with my gran my mum worked after school and some weekends so I was there a lot.

I think it's more that people micro manage their kids time and helicopter parent too much these days. I'm shocked at how many folk on MN don't even let their high school aged kids take public transport to school!

Sounds similar to my 70s childhood except we weren't booted out if we didn't want to play outside, and my mum and her friends just drank a lot of tea but not really alcohol.

@Beamur maybe they were more aware than we realised although I do think a lot of responsibility was put on the older siblings in the group to look after younger siblings even though they were still young kids themselves.

@Lomonald my mum was weird like that too.

This sounds exactly like my childhood. I liked my mum being at home, I knew where she was if I needed her. My dad worked 9-5 in an office, he had dinner & watched telly when he got home.
We went on holidays as a family, but he wouldn’t have come into Town with us, or join in the food shopping. We’d all go to visit relatives as a family.
We were outdoors a lot, just like OP. From when we were quite small. I let my 5 year old out playing with friends, but I’d freak out if he ever left our estate…

My 70s/early 80s experience of parenting was that it was both hands off in the way you describe, yet highly controlling in others. Because in addition to the things you describe I was expected to do pretty much exactly as I was told. Wear this, go there, eat that (and all of it, i dont care if you dont like corned beef, thats what youve got) say this, don't say that. Wait here... because i said so.
Its been fascinating to watch the changes over the generations and compare that with how I raised my DC and again with how they are now raising my DCG.

I was born in the late 70s and my parents were as hands off as it gets. Recently DM admitted 'it never crossed her mind to know where we were, what we were doing, or do anything with us'. It was horrible and not better than today.

They were definitely not present, and it's why DB & I both have been more present with our DC. They do activities, are involved in decisions & listened to. We always know where they are. I'll never, ever allow DC to go to a friend's house we haven't sussed out.

Exactly like my childhood, idyllic in many ways. More of a sense of community, everyone’s parents looked out for you. People today focus on entertaining their children, not the children learning the skills to entertain themselves. It was a simpler time, no social media and less knowledge about the world in general, a sense of innocence maybe?

I think it always has been until the last 30ish years

Compared to my grandparents my childhood had a lot of parent involvement but was similar to the op's

A lot of what you write is familiar. My dad worked shifts and also worked a lot but my mum was a very present parent and just worked PT on school meals so we ate well with home cooked food and a story every single night - she was very big on books. We were semi-rural, and we'd disappear down to the stream or in the woods, or over the fields all day, and come back when we were hungry or thirsty - like you, safety in numbers with eight or nine of us of varying ages.

My parents were very big at teaching independence, so I was able to go on the bus on my own to buy a Mother's Day present to the local town at ten, and then into the city centre for youth symphony practice at 12 on a Saturday. She only really got involved when I was picked for another orchestra for a Friday night and had to get two buses to rehearsal. It was in a town notorious for grooming teenage girls and I was massively pestered, both in the bus station when changing buses, on the bus, and on the street. She ordered a taxi in case this was easier (my dad was working and my mum couldn't drive) but I got it from the taxi drivers. In the end she made me stop going. That was probably the only time I felt unsafe.

Broadly my experience. The problem for my child is that if all the other local kids are at multiple activities, there is no-one to play with, added to the fact that a lot of 3 and even 4 bed family homes in our area are occupied by childless or retired couples, so there simply isn't a large mixed age group of kids anyway.

Also - people were much less litigious than they are now. Shit happened and was dealt with, there wasn’t a compensation culture in the way there is now. Ditto snowflakes. You got on with life and sometimes had a bad day. Not everything needed a diagnosis or was down to mental health!

Yes, it was pretty bad. My mum later said she had no idea she was meant to support our schoolwork. She'd been to a grammar that was much more rigorous than a crappy 80's comp. Lots of shitty play dates at dodgy kids houses with smoking and pissed parents, I hated them.

We were left to find out everything the hard way. A bit of advice would have prevent a lot of stress and problems.

Yes, my parents both worked and were also local counsellors so out at meetings in the evening a lot when we were a bit older. We did have babysitters though. Siblings and I would go for local walks together without an adult ('nice' part of suburban London) from when I was 6, sister was 9 and brother 11, and I'd walk to my best friend about 10 mins away from when I was 7. We would go to park together after about age 8, and to the swimming pool (which seems inconceivable these days) on the bus without an adult from when we were 10. Most pools now don't even let under 16s in unaccompanied these days.

I don't think it was 'innocent' it was just practical and sensible and gave kids some credit.

There was no golden age when parents were more present than they are now - people forget that if mothers were wealthy, childrearing was entirely done by staff; if they were middle class, mums would be busy with the housework while babies and toddlers were left in playpens, as the house was seen as more important than interacting with small children (which certainly wasn't dads' job) and if you were working class your mum may well have been working and perhaps you'd be looked after by neighbours or relatives.

We moved to the village where I still live when I was 10, and we had the freedom to go miles on our bikes... including sitting/playing on the river banks. We'd be out until the light went in the summer, and Mum never asked where we were. When I passed my driving test, my friends and I would drive 50 miles to go to nightclubs... get in at 4am and she'd moan the next morning she'd been worried but it never stopped me.

But then kids weren't routinely abducted in those days. That's what free constant access to porn has given society.

I think parents of the last 10-20 years have completely changed how parenting is done. I think generally they think they are doing it 'better' but I think it's still to be confirmed when these generations grow into adults, we really don't know how these kids will turn out.

I feel there will be a lot of positives from todays parenting but also a lot of negatives.

My parents were like this in the 80’s. I don’t remember my parents playing with me at all. My mum used to manage pubs and was there all day, my dad refused to be employed by anyone so had a series of jobs like gardening etc. When I was really little I had the choice of going with mum and hanging round the pub all day, or going with dad and sitting in his van all day. From the age of around 4 I was walking and catching public transport to school with my sister who was 8 (alone). She started looking after me all day when my parents were working when she was 10 and I was 6. We used to play out up to a couple of miles from the house from a young age, including cliff climbing and going up the headlands to jump on the backs of wild horses. It was a pretty average childhood for a lot of my friends, though I have since realised how stingy my parents were with us. We got the cheapest of everything, never allowed an ice cream from the ice cream van or a book from the book fair, never bought anything outside of Xmas or birthdays. I grew up believing we were in poverty, it’s only looking back I realised we lived in a mortgage free house and both parents worked full time which most didn’t back then, yet all my friends had money spent on them (I was the only one in school with no uniform as we ‘couldn’t afford it’). My parents were very heavy drinkers and smokers though so maybe that’s where all the money went. We were largely ignored

Very similar except the parental drinking. Although at one of my friends houses looking back both her parents were always tipsy or drunk.
No supervision at all when we were out of the house. That was the norm. But we were raised in a close community and when we got into situations I remember neighbours taking us home (falling off bikes etc).

100% this. So controlling in that sense.

Rates of mental illness in young people are soaring, so absolutely not convinced that modern parenting is an overall improvement.

Yeah that was the culture back then. We had freedom today's young people don't. Although I do think these days. Some parents infantilise their adult kids.

Yes - absolutely no control over food except eat it or not!
My parents were also extremely young. Late teens/early 20's when I was born. So pretty clueless 😄

I was born in 1984 and My Mother was very hands on, supportive, loving and caring. We regularly did things together and I was never neglected in any respect. I did have some freedom in the ‘90’s but I couldn’t be gone for more than 2 hours or so without checking in and I wasn’t allowed to go too far from home until I was old enough to go into the city for a few hours with friends. I wasn’t smacked either and I can’t complain at all about her parenting.

Born in 1982 and none of what you describe applies to my childhood.

I did like the list of TV shows though, I remember most of them.