AIBU to think 80s parenting was often hands-off and unsupervised?

[N3wUs3rNam3Again]

Is this familiar to anyone else ? I was born in the 80s, my Dad worked a physical job long hours, often away and seemed to mostly sleep when home. My Mum worked part time, mostly school hours, although not when we were little, but she wasn't really a present mum, definitely not child focussed. I don't remember her ever playing with us, although she did read and sing to us at night.

I am 1 of 3 children, so was lucky I had 2 siblings to play with and keep me occupied. In the summer we spent a lot of time outside playing with neighbouring kids, this was without adult supervision, kids ages would range from 5-12, we'd be booted out at 9am. Go in for lunch then back out until 5, we'd go on adventures, get chased by farmers, the big kids looked after the little kids. Were streets safer? There were definitely less cars and more kids, so safety in numbers perhaps.

At home we had a television and a commodore 64, although spent more time watching the commodore 64 load than we did playing it. But I watched Tele, loads of it, Lassie, black beauty, little house on the prairie, the Walton's , neighbours, home and away, blockbusters, why don't you, heart beat, grange hill, BykerGrove, button moon, playschool, T bag, Timmy Mallet, the list is endless and I watched it all without parent oversight.

My parents and their friends, mostly our mum's, drank a lot at weekends, I remember many gathering aged from 5-11 either at our house or friend's where our mum's would get drunk and in the summer we kids would roam outside. We didn't get in to trouble, though I think that's due to luck more than anything. In the winter we'd pile in to a bedroom playing hide and seek in the dark , telling ghost stories, calling up spirits, playing truth or dare and raps (card game).

Even at the beach the parents didn't seem to supervise us, all the kids would be in the sea, mums sunbathing / sleeping but the older kids looked after the younger ones. Again it was probably more luck than anything that we didn't get into trouble.

All sounds quite lovely really even with absent parents although my mum was definitely present if we misbehaved or made a fuss and would give us a smack across our legs for bad behaviour and from memory I think we must have been pretty bad and often!

I just wondered really if my childhood was so totally different to everyone else's as reading posts on here, it seems everyone used to do it so much better than the parents who are doing it today. Don't get me wrong I had a happy enough childhood and my basic needs were met but just because my parents didn't give me a handheld screen to watch doesn't mean they were present and doing it better than the parent today who does.

AIBU - that is not how it was in the 80s for you and your parents were way more present than parents are today.

It sounds similar to my childhood in the late 60s/early 70s. We roamed free, played in the woods and fields, big ones looked after little ones. Home for dinner and tea. The church was a big factor in our upbringing, Sunday School then Confirmation Class. My parents didn't drink, not teetotal, they just weren't interested. My dad loved his garden and music, mum worked p/t on and off when we were older but when we were little she was always at home. I used to take myself off to school and Sunday School from the age of 6.

Similar but probably a lot colder, there was no reading or singing. It felt like we were just there. DPs were both teetotal and DM never worked outside the home. I had seven siblings!
We didn't holiday much, splitting our time between two large homes, so I know they weren't poor, but I felt like I was.
Your childhood sounds similar to many of my friends and better than mine, which looking back feels negligent. Both DPs died years ago.

My kids were born in 1986 and 1987 and that is not how they were parented, although I think some of their friends were. We were very often the ones ferrying everyone home, or having a house full of other people's kids. I think our kids thought we were super fussy and restrictive then but DD now has kids of her own, the oldest of whom is only a couple of years off of having to walk to and from school on their own and she is freaking out at the thought!

I see these threads concerned about letting teen kids out and knowing their exact whereabouts on life 360...

I think it worse when you see adults - over 18 being tracked and posters arguing it's for their protection and perfectly normal.

I feel sad when I hear about kids in their teens who have never been on public transport or made a purchase in a shop for themselves. They are ferried everywhere by their parents.

We don't drive so our know walking routes and buses and trains - their mates frequnetly don't and their parents often have very different risks levels. My kids do a summer trip all of them to nearby town - was scary first year as youngest was just 11 - my oldest 15 and oldest one going with them just 16. Youngest asked a mate along last year 16 deemed too young by the parents - the rest of the group were all over 18 by then.

Definitely remember the Commodore 64 taking longer to load than you actually spent playing! Ours was 2nd hand too so there was only about a 50% chance of a tape actually working.

A strange man tried to get me in their car when I was 10. When I told adults, (teachers and family) not one person cared!

Makes me shudder a lot.

I'm so glad things have changed for the better!

Apart from the drinking that was my experience. It was great, there were always lots of kids out and about to play with, we had lots of adventures. Adult led activities weren't really a thing, even my friends mum who was a childminder would just leave us to play, although she was the most involved and would pop out with drinks and snacks to check on us.

Yes, sounds very familiar apart from the parents drinking bit.
Was at home alone every day for about 1.5 hours from the age of ten and had to turn on veg for dinner etc. All day alone in school holidays from about 13.
The previous generation had even more leeway. My mum and dad were wartime children and used to play on bombsites.

70s/80s childhood here. Exactly the same. But us kids tended to look out for each other or go around in groups of 2 or 4 or more.

I did have a bit more supervision than the OP but broadly my experience is similar. I don't think it was bad though, just like nowadays it all depended on the people around you. I certainly didn't have any dodgy playdates with pissed parents like one of the PP! Some adults were nice and some weren't but I never had any experience of gross negligence, violence or sexual abuse. I remember many lovely times with siblings and friends without any adult interruption.
A lot of parents nowadays seem to think they are doing things much better, I don't think that's the case. There has never been so much anxiety among young people as nowadays, same for obesity, so I think as a society we are nowhere close to raising our children perfectly.

We were expected to play by ourselves inside if not playing with siblings.

My mum ran a Saturday morning drama class for a few years, took us out shopping (not just food) and often on days out, theme parks, but she was a teacher so had holidays off. Lots of museums, castles.

OP's memories are very similar to mine in most ways (I was born 1974). Except my parents weren't big drinkers and or mum didn't approve of playing out in the street, but that was definitely a snobby thing, not because of safety. We were allowed to go to the shops or the beach on our own and take the dogs for a walk for example.

We definitely weren't pandered to and were expected to fit in with adults lives not the other way around. I remember a lot of boredom particularly in the school holidays. My mum ran a podiatry clinic from home and when she was working we had to stay upstairs and be very quiet. Luckily we both loved reading!

I think in some ways it wasn't bad as it did make me more resourceful, resilient and self reliant. But I remember feeling really aggrieved and frustrated by the lack of autonomy. I dont know if that was the general vibe then or my parents in particular. My mum chose our clothes, our meals, our extra curricular activities and she even had a good go at choosing our friends. There seemed to be a total lack of interest in who we were as people rather than just extensions of our parents.

I've tried a different balance with my children. I probably haven't got that right either! But they seem ok so far and confide in me about their fears, passions and dreams for the future. I never had conversations like that with my parents.

And to be fair it depends on the sort of child you have. My son is very gregarious and outspoken, so I dont think he could have been "boxed up" by my 70s mum if she'd tried. Once he was at secondary school he asked us to get him a bus pass so he could go to town and to friends houses at the weekend. Didn't think much about it (I had a bus pass at the same age) until friends with kids the same age seemed really shocked that he was "allowed to go off on his own in public transport". He later went to his uni open days on his own (as I had done), I felt really guilty when I realised the done thing is for parents to go these days, but he would have hated that!

However our younger child is more cautious and nervous and I suspect she will want us to come to stuff like uni open days (which is fine). So I'm playing it by ear a bit!

Really interesting thread.

I was an early 60s baby and had kids in the mid/ late 80s, so both a child and parent. Both my parents were very involved. Would play games in the garden, teach skipping, hand stands and play cricket or catch for ages. Yes we played out on the front with neighbours kids but didn't really just roam anywhere. The parents regularly came out to check on us, join in or offer drinks. Obviously as we became teenagers we went further, but we had to say where we were going and with who plus a time we would be back.
As a parent my boys were very young in the late 80s so not of an age to go without supervision. We played loads of games, did craft and baking (think grey pastry and very messy cupcakes) and had music and song times. I followed on from my parents who followed the example of theirs.
Teenagers go without much supervision now, but mobiles make it seem different.

mid-80’s baby here and exactly the same experience… except with the addition of lots of visiting pubs.

Sounds pretty much like my childhood in the 1960's, and that of my peer group. Except I was an only child and that nobody got drunk at the weekends. My parents weren't teetotal or anything but booze only really featured at Christmas apart from maybe stopping at a pub on a day out. I don't think it's controlling to tell children to behave themselves, to wear what's available or to eat what they're given. We were poor, so my mum couldn't afford dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets as well as her delicious homemade dinners even if she wanted to. Besides, that sort of processed muck didn't exist!

Sounds very similar to my childhood, born early 80's. I remember my mum didn't want us under her feet so we had to go out and play/ride on our bikes for most of the day. Luckily I had siblings and there were other children on our street to hang out with. My parents live in the same house and there're definitely more cars on the road now, doesn't feel as if it would be so safe nowadays .

My parents are older and it was totally normal in their day to be out of the house all day, mother's didn't have modern appliances to help with washing and cleaning so they wouldn't have been able to play with the children, kids had to look after each other and older siblings would have had to look after the younger ones.

My memories are similar to yours op
I remember playing outside till the streetlights came on ,and every child one after the other was called in for bed ,untill I was the last one out ,and took myself in.
I was constantly slapped across the backs of the legs ,I swear she kept me in short skirts to have easy access to my legs .
I think she used to go to out and leave me home alone a lot but locked in the house from about 5 or 6.
Age 11 to 14 ,the parents went on regular holidays leaving us home alone for a week and we were supposed to take ourselves to school .
The bus crashed one day and there was no parent to take me to hospital to have a cut stitched up .
So a teacher had to take me .
Nothing ever came of it though
Actually,not the point of this thread ..but you would be amazed what my parents got away with ,with out social services getting involved

There are still parents like that today.
Mine was less hands on but still cautious and aware. I have friends who allow their little children play wherever while they sunbathe on the beach and other friends who helicopter parent. I’m more on the helicopter side as my DC don’t have natural cope on or good coordination.
I don’t think people realise how many children currently live like that.

Im @carpool 's kids' age and agree this must have been when it changed, I didnt have any of the freedom to roam much (although was allowed to play on our small street) and lots of organised activities

Ds1 was born in 1988. Me and my friends were often drinking and letting the kids get on with it (indoors). No one suffered.

I was a teenager in the 80's. My dad worked abroad so mum and i growing up for most of it. Spent a lot of time with my grandparents too. Mum was very strict, had to be home by 10pm at the latest

Parenting in the 80s was a whole other level. We lived in a very safe estate but we were totally free range despite being very high needs kids. Autism wasn’ta thing then but I was 3-4 in 83 and in nursery /play school about a mile away. I” got out “ one day before I was in reception and made my way to school and my mum had no idea until the school called her to say I’d turned up and wanted to play. My little sister was born in 83 and in 86 she was showed out in the garden but the garden didn’t have a lock on it…. Our parents kept getting told she was wandering around naked and they honestly find her every time by following the trail of clothes. Shocking really. From age 4 I was allowed out free range as there was always a huge group of kids aged 4-12 from our cul de sac. We went miles every day and they parents basically relied on the older ones looking after the younger ones. It worked, to a fashion. Nobody ever got seriously hurt and we did look after each other. No main roads and our town is all pathways away from main roads etc. but wet lives very close to a river and we played in that river constantly. It’s a miracle really that we didn’t get hurt or drowned. Worst injuries was a girl from my class broke both her arms when a rope swing snapped 12ft above a 12cm deep concrete pond at the top of our road. A few moto cross accidents. One kid got killed crossing a road but that was because he crossed the road instead of using the perfectly safe bridge 4ft away from him. Schools in our town banned parkas with the snood bit after that as the police said that was a contributing factor.

I'd a very similar upbringing. I was expected to have common sense and to be sensible and responsible. My mother was a parent and we weren't "friends" until I was in my 20s.

That sounds very cold but I was given a lot of freedom to go where and when I wanted as long as they knew (more or less) where I was. It was all pre-internet and people were a lot less cynical.

Childhood culture has changed. Kids used to play out because we wanted to, other kids were doing it, and our parents experienced the same in their childhood. It was completely normal. Kids today are hooked to tech and don’t have the same drive to play out as all their friends are hooked to tech too.

It was a good and bad time. I remember seeing a man flashing his penis when I was out with my friends about 8. We explored a few derelict buildings too and got into trouble as teenagers due to the lack of parental involvement. There were situations that we were left to deal with in our teenage years when they definitely needed an adult input.
Strange times especially as the parents in the 80’s would have been the children of the 60’s. I’m sure parenting was even more hands off then.