AIBU to think 80s parenting was often hands-off and unsupervised?

[N3wUs3rNam3Again]

Is this familiar to anyone else ? I was born in the 80s, my Dad worked a physical job long hours, often away and seemed to mostly sleep when home. My Mum worked part time, mostly school hours, although not when we were little, but she wasn't really a present mum, definitely not child focussed. I don't remember her ever playing with us, although she did read and sing to us at night.

I am 1 of 3 children, so was lucky I had 2 siblings to play with and keep me occupied. In the summer we spent a lot of time outside playing with neighbouring kids, this was without adult supervision, kids ages would range from 5-12, we'd be booted out at 9am. Go in for lunch then back out until 5, we'd go on adventures, get chased by farmers, the big kids looked after the little kids. Were streets safer? There were definitely less cars and more kids, so safety in numbers perhaps.

At home we had a television and a commodore 64, although spent more time watching the commodore 64 load than we did playing it. But I watched Tele, loads of it, Lassie, black beauty, little house on the prairie, the Walton's , neighbours, home and away, blockbusters, why don't you, heart beat, grange hill, BykerGrove, button moon, playschool, T bag, Timmy Mallet, the list is endless and I watched it all without parent oversight.

My parents and their friends, mostly our mum's, drank a lot at weekends, I remember many gathering aged from 5-11 either at our house or friend's where our mum's would get drunk and in the summer we kids would roam outside. We didn't get in to trouble, though I think that's due to luck more than anything. In the winter we'd pile in to a bedroom playing hide and seek in the dark , telling ghost stories, calling up spirits, playing truth or dare and raps (card game).

Even at the beach the parents didn't seem to supervise us, all the kids would be in the sea, mums sunbathing / sleeping but the older kids looked after the younger ones. Again it was probably more luck than anything that we didn't get into trouble.

All sounds quite lovely really even with absent parents although my mum was definitely present if we misbehaved or made a fuss and would give us a smack across our legs for bad behaviour and from memory I think we must have been pretty bad and often!

I just wondered really if my childhood was so totally different to everyone else's as reading posts on here, it seems everyone used to do it so much better than the parents who are doing it today. Don't get me wrong I had a happy enough childhood and my basic needs were met but just because my parents didn't give me a handheld screen to watch doesn't mean they were present and doing it better than the parent today who does.

AIBU - that is not how it was in the 80s for you and your parents were way more present than parents are today.

There's a middle ground that I would hope was more common.

I was a 70s child, my son was a 90s child.

We both had loads of freedom, playing out, disappear off all day on our bikes with a pack of sandwiches, expected to be responsible and not constantly supervised/entertained or in clubs/adult run activities.

But there was also lots of time and attention, playing family board games, conversations, reading of stories, generally playing and spending time together, flying kites, playing frisbee, and definitely supervised at the beach! I quite enjoyed my second run at childhood climbing trees with him, and doing fun stuff that's too embarrassing to do alone as an adult😁

’Eat it or leave it’ is a perfectly fine way to manage children and food to be fair. In our case, there wasn’t money for endless options. Mum wouldn’t make anything we actively disliked (and I do remember her going into primary school to tell them to stop trying to make me eat carrots because it was never going to happen) but we had to try everything and there were never any options.

TV was the same as OP but all the titles mentioned were for children - why would a parent pre-vet something when aunty beeb had done it for them?

We roamed around together but I had strict boundaries and I wasn’t allowed in everyone’s house. My mum told me years ago that I was never allowed to be alone with a neighbour because she had ‘a feeling’ about him: he was prosecuted for historic sexual offences years later. All the mammies were at the windows on regular intervals and knew what everyone was up to.

True, adults didn’t play with us and that’s definitely something I changed with my son. We lived in a city when he was small so he didn’t get to roam about because of traffic, but I let him go to the park ‘on his own’ when he was 7 or so (which means I walked him over the very busy road between home and the park, then went back to collect him). Traffic is a much bigger issue than it was then, hardly anyone had a car when we were growing up and there certainly wasn’t anything like the same volume of traffic on minor roads.

I had a great childhood in many ways.

I think that is why we all became helicopter parents. Our own parents - 1960s to 1980s were just neglectful and although that gave us some wonderful freedom and taught us resilience, it also made many of us feel rather invisible and bred a lot of low self-esteem. It also, as OP said, led to us surviving by sheer luck on more than one occasion.

Looking back, I think I over-compensated, and wish I'd let DC solve their own problems more often. That said, DS2 has autism and ADHD and maybe he never would have. He may well have floundered and become really socially isolated or depressed without all that extra attention and vigilance.

You’ve hit the nail on the nail on the head.

I agree. Children need to be children and develop their life skills. Most of my childhood was in the late 60s, early 70s and I did exactly like you. My sister and I would take a packed lunch, go off on our bikes and come back in time for dinner. My sons grow up in the 90s and would go off and build dens, or make Tarzan swings etc. We’d also do things as a family too.

I grew up in a village and during the summer holidays, my best friend and I would go off on our bikes exploring, climbing trees, paddling in streams, etc. As long as we were home by 6, no one worried.

My parents were involved, they had some problems but I wasn’t aware of them until I was in my teens. I wish my children had experienced my laid-back childhood, they had far more structured and supervised activities-which isn’t terrible, but less free than my experience was. I do try to be laid back now they’re older, I know people who are still hovering/tracking/controlling their young adult children and it makes me uncomfortable.

I think parents parented little children pretty well in the 80s; at least that was my experience.

Bit they were much more hands-off as we grew up. I don’t think my parents knew about my GCSE choices at all and certainly didn’t discuss my A level choices with me.

Was also left alone with my brother a fair bit as a teen.

Like all things, had its pros and cons. I do think parents are horribly over invested in teens, especially older teens (and even young adults) now. There is way too much micromanagement.

A fw days ago I had a conversation with someone who had been an 80s child and it sounded much like that of OPs first patagraph. I was a 1940s/50s child and parents were even more hands off in those days. This was despite the fact that far fewer women went out to work and were mostly SAH mums. In dry weather we would be booted out of the house and our parents were never concerned that we virtually disappeared and only returned for meals. Sometimes we were sent off with a bottle of lemonade (or just water) and a jam sandwich. We played on bombed sites, in derelict buildings and in fields. We learned how to amuse ourselves and we grew up strong and resillient with a "just get on with it" attitude.

I feel sad when I hear about kids in their teens who have never been on public transport or made a purchase in a shop for themselves. They are ferried everywhere by their parents. No wonder so many young people cannot manage the world of work and are stressed out by the simplest things like composing and email or phoning a client.

I think my 80s childhood was somewhere in between. My parents did both take us for days out quite a bit and we weren't ever booted out, but we were a bit more free range on bikes and on foot if we were at home. And my Mum did some crafts and baking and things with us, my Dad played board games or chose films he thought we would like. But often we were expected to entertain ourselves too.

The over scheduling and micro management is destroying creativity and the important life lesson of being bored in children. Stifling the life skills needed to progress to independent adulthood and make mistakes to learn from. It has gone too far the other way

Yes now parents are expected to work full time, and provide constant company and entertainment to children as well as expensive paid for activities

Born in 1970. Had lots of freedom. Walked to school alone from age 6. But there were lollipop ladies. and a community. And many many fewer cars. No one drove to school.
And although we roamed a lot, those scary safety films shown in school on the wheel in TV, with kids drowing in silos, getting hit by trains, being electocuted, were terrifying enough to make us take care.

But my mum esp was also very present.

Yes my eighties childhood was basically like this. We played out after school and at a weekend a group of around 8-10 kids ranging from 3-12ish We went in when the street lights came on. Tv was citv after school and Saturday morning cartoons. Other than that it was whatever my parents were watching so casualty, Roseanne, golden girls, only fools etc.
if it was raining or no one was playing out I’d play with my sindys or read. My sisters were 8 and 10 years older so had no interest in playing with me but they did get stuck babysitting a bit
My dad worked all day Monday- Friday, came home had tea and went to pub most nights. If he stayed in he watched tv and we weren’t allowed to talk when the tv was on. My mum was a sahp until I was around 10 then she got a part time job. She went to the pub 3 nights a week. Weekends I played out, my sisters hung out with their friends. Mum cleaned/ cooked and dad watched sport or did the garden. I genuinely don’t remember either of them playing with me until I was older when we would sometimes play cards at Christmas or on holiday.

They showed no interest in me unless I was being naughty then I got a smack across the legs.
I never got taken anywhere except to see grandparents or the shop or the library.
Holiday once a year was the seaside, it was the only time we ever ate out, went to a fun fair or a play area. Never had a take away except the odd chippie tea. Didn’t have a McDonald’s till I was 17.

I think there is some positives around playing out without supervision in terms of life skills development/ imagination etc. But there was a lot of things i didn’t learn to do due to lack of interest in me. Plus the fear of being smacked, never having my feelings/ needs met.

I think we have probably gone too far the other way but the world has changed a lot in the past 50 years.

Yes I agree somewhat, but is it that down to what's acceptable today and the judgement put on us as parents? As kids mum would go shopping and leave us in the car, she'd definitely never take us out to pay for petrol. Today if someone left their 8, 5 and 3 year old in the car to do the weekly shop, they'd probably be reported to the police or social services and there'd definitely be a judgemental post about it on here.

Did you watch the one with the boy on the train tracks (Robbie?) who was trying to get his football boots off the track, got hit and was “in a wheelchair for the rest of his life “ Absolutely terrified me.

I agree with this.

The 80s was the golden era.

Me (age 10) and little bro, (age 7) would roam and ride on bikes for MILES across the fields and to neighbouring villages.

Utterly fearless and totally independent.

My mum used to sit me and DB (aged prob 5 and 4) in front of the elevator in a department store and go off shopping. There was a lift attendant. Kept us amused for ages....

I think the 70s and 80s model of "benign neglect" - with discipline, when needed - prepared us well for adult life. We learnt to be resilient and to use our common sense. We didn't expect our parents to bail us out of every scrape. We knew that we weren't the centre of the universe. We respected adults. We enjoyed and sought our independence. We learnt how to entertain ourselves. Education was a priority.
Can we really say all of that about children who grew/are growing up with modern styles of parenting? Yes, there was good and bad in all eras, to be fair, but young people now can be so wet, and run to mummy and daddy at the first hint of a problem - how will they progress in life?

Yes! I find it quite sad actually....

Locked in a car while parents at the pub? Yep!

My parents didn't care where I was. Or who with. Neither did my friends parents or our Grandparents.

I was never even read to. Never taken to a playground or beach. Nobody helped or cared about homework or parents evening. Same for DH and my friend group.

But on Gransnet they often comment on "today's awful parenting this" and "today's awful parenting that". (And how tarty we all are in our leopard print) 🫠

Sounds about right TBH.

DH got way more freedom at a younger age and did the come home with street lights. Older brother was similar went for miles. I was more restricted did play out though by secondary rarely allowed out Mum didn't want me handing round street corners - younger sister had bit more freedom in 90s - weekends were more household jobs and grandparent visits.

We got left in car when they got fish and chips - big shops we had to help. I did get left in car when got lift back from music group with slightly older child parents always stopped off to do weekly supermarket shopping in way back. My parents when they did pick ups took us straight back.

Walked to school from Key stage 2 with friends - my kids were older as school didn't allowed it at such young ages. On bus for secondary and expected to sort it out if bus didn't turn up either end of school day which did happen despiet it being a dedicated service. School wouldn't let us ring home - so had to walk hald way to nearest pay phones.

We didn't get a lot of parental attention TBH - they read and took interest in schooling - but we were expected to entertain oursleves - TV and books, toys each other - hobbies weren't encouraged either - though they did faciliate the music more to do with DGP approval - my DC all have their own little projects on go like DH as an adult and have done more groups and had external swimmig lessons - partly as school ones they had on offer wouldn't teach swimming. Fewer day trips out fewer holidays and eating out due to money.

I see these threads concerned about letting teen kids out and knowing their exact whereabouts on life 360...

At 12 we'd get the bus to the nearest big town with a cinema and shopping centre (12 miles away) and at 15 we were getting the train to Manchester 60 miles away. Parents generally trusted us not to do stupid shit.

I reckon we're all generally more resourceful with more common sense as a result.

I think attitudes were different. I was expected to do as I was told but was also expected to occupy myself for long periods of time, often unsupervised and outside of my home. We would roam around the village on our bikes for hours and no one gave a monkeys. It had a busy main A road running through it, but again no one seemed bothered. A bus knocked me off my bike once and when I told my mum she said "well you're alright aren't you, be more careful next time" - as though it was somehow my fault 😂. I was expected to do homework by myself. Don't recall either or my parents ever helping me. On rainy days I was expected to occupy myself in the playroom and keep my younger siblings occupied too. If it was dry we were usually booted into the back garden and again expected to occupy ourselves. When my mum went to the supermarket, we were all expected to stay in the car and "behave". It used to feel like she was in there forever and we'd fight like angry hornets until we saw her coming back!.

However, my parents were much stricter & more controlling about us having to be quiet in adult company, not make a fuss, behave properly, eat everything that was put in front of us and above all do as we were told - there wasn't any negotiating!

I think it's sort of right, but there's a bigger picture you're missing.

So yes, we were out playing but a) we had boundaries and we knew what they were and wouldn't have DREAMED of going beyond them. In our case, our house was the last one in the estate we were allowed to go past - so anything "above" our house, fine. Anything "below" - get caught and it's a hiding.

Ditto, older siblings WERE expected to take on a certain supervisory role, but it wasn't that onerous. It was more about taking responsibility. At the same time, the "village" was 100% in operation - if we misbehaved elsewhere in the neighbourhood you can be damn sure that Mrs Jones would let us know about it, and there was a damn good chance she'd tell my mum and dad and we'd know even MORE about it then. Ditto - we wore certain clothes, greeted all adult guests whent hey came into the house, cleaned up after dinner, made those adult guests tea/coffee etc etc etc. We didn't dream of refusing or complaining.

Ditto, yes, during the day, we weren't being "entertained" by our parnets - they were working. But we were sitting down to dinner together every night. No exceptions. We were expected to do our own homework and if we got into trouble at school for not doing it - no sympathy from mom and dad. They DID support us by providing the tools and the environment to do it in. I remember the BIG DEAL trip Dad took me and my brother on to choose our first ever "proper" desks so we could do "proper" homework. This was an especially big deal because at the time, there was little to no spare money so we knew that they'd really made an effort to get these desks for us.

And as for other stuff, they were 100% there for extra curricular - we did sport through school and they turned up for matches, took their turn at doing the tea/coke/orange segments for during/after etc.

We also spent a lot of time with them just doing chores. Helping dad in the garden or mum with the cooking. So sure, fewer trips to the big waterpark (didn't exist) but plenty of time together including beach trips and walks with the dog, learnign to ride our bikes etc.

To be honest, I'm actually doing my best to replicate as much of this as possible. I'm not doing very well on insisting on chores. But the rest, largely is going okay.

Sounds a lot like my childhood. I still find it hard to get my head around how much freedom I had at a young age. By the time I was 7 I was getting myself up and dressed, making breakfast , walking to school with my friend and had cleaning tasks and walked to the local shops. My 7 year old still needs to be supervised or he will put his pants on backwards and not a chance he could leave our estate independantly 😅.