To feel hurt my best friend ditched me while I was sectioned?

[FlounderTheGuppy]

I’m not sure if I’m being overly sensitive or if this is as upsetting as it feels.

I had a very close friend of 18 years. We grew up together and I genuinely thought she’d always be in my life.

Around 18 months ago I went through a severe mental health crisis and ended up being sectioned. It was the lowest point of my life and something I’m still trying to process.

Instead of supporting me, she completely cut me off. No messages, no checking in, nothing.

What’s hurt even more is that before she disappeared, she said some really harsh things to me – that I was selfish and a bad mum. At a time when I was already struggling so much, that really stuck with me.

Since then, I haven’t heard from her at all.

I keep going over it wondering if I did something wrong, or if there’s something I’m missing, but I also feel really let down. After 18 years of friendship, I never imagined she’d walk away when I was at my lowest.

Part of me thinks maybe she just couldn’t cope with it, but another part of me feels like a real friend wouldn’t have treated me like that.

AIBU to still feel hurt about this and struggle to understand it, or do I need to accept that some friendships just end like this?

I think you're unlikely to hear from her again after this amount of time although you never know.

As someone with both personal and working experience in mental health, I know that mental health issues can present as baffling, off-putting and even frightening. Not everyone can cope with being involved with it sadly. The reality of it is raw and uncomfortable...not like tv depictions at all.
This is one of many examples of how having mental health issues can impact significantly on your lived life...the loss of jobs or friends. The disintegration of support systems.
I'm sorry this has happened to you. I hope you are able to separate your worth from your misfortune in experiencing a delusional breakdown that your friend was not equipped or even obligated to support you through. It's very tough. Xx

It’s clear she got to the end of what she could handle and had to step away. That doesn’t make her a bad person at all.

Yanbu to be hurt btw. It is hurtful.

It’s a difficult situation because while you now know you were in a mental health crisis at the time it must have appeared to her that you were acting in ways she disagreed with. Sometimes people in crisis don’t realise the effect they’re having on others.

However you’re absolutely not wrong to feel hurt or upset. Your feelings are your own, they are valid and this is something that causes you pain. But you do need to accept it because it has happened and nothing you say or do will reverse that.

I agree with this.

Well it’s about is someone not a friend if they don’t do what you want them to and accept whatever behaviour is put on them?

This is really true and sound advice and I couldn’t agree more.

OP, I have cancer, incurable cancer. I’ve lost people who I thought were my friends and colleagues who have ghosted me. I’ve come to the conclusion that they just haven’t the head space for my illness and it hurts because I’ve asked nothing of them at all.

Your friend wasn't a real friend OP and I’m sorry you were treated this way; it’s horrid isnt it? x

Just as an aside, OP, struck me maybe you can lend your wisdom on this thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/feeling_depressed/5508751-sudden-bereavement-triggering-severe-anxiety-and-health-fears-how-to-cope

My Mum wasn’t mentally present for a period of time during a mental health issue when my siblings and I were fairly young. Fortunately for us her situation was nowhere near as bad as yours was, and yet having been the child in that situation myself I can 100% understand why someone would step away from the situation, knowing that they can’t bear to watch the children be treated in such a way.

My sister has had a few episodes of mental health. I am very low contact now with her. Her kids ended up being neglected, they had a roof over the head but they made thier own dinner ect she was too busy feeling sorry for herself and drinking. They ended up living with my mum. She said some terrible things to mum and it was always ow it's my mental health and we were meant to just forgive her. Some things aren't forgiveable in my eyes. I think there is more to this story as a friend wouldn't say things like that. I think you need to think about how your behaviour has affected your children even though at the time you may not have been able to control it. It is very damaging for kids and maybe your friend was heartbroken to see them torn up.

When I was finally sectioned I never heard anything from her, this was 2024 and I haven’t heard from her since.

I’m so sorry you have been through all this and glad you have been given the help you needed to get well.

Maybe she is ashamed of how she spoke to you before you got that help. Ashamed that she was harsh when she didn’t understand how ill you were. I would be. Admitting that and trying to make amends might be too difficult for her. That’s not great, it’s weak but that would be a problem she has with herself rather than a reflection on you.

I can understand how let down by her you must feel, but try to let that go and concentrate on your wellbeing and the people who have cared and stood by you

Maybe she isn't ashamed, maybe she is proud of the fact she put in boundaries and stepped away.

The OP sounds very detached from the reality of her behaviour ( I hope her husband and children are getting support )

As someone whose mum had mental health crises often, I am afraid I dont blame your friend.

I know it wasnt my mother's fault but her constant episodes ruined my childhood and completely messed me up as an adult. I was neglected and left in very dangerous situations as a child and its had a lasting impact on my ability to form relationships.

People on here criticising your friend have no idea what its like to be the scared child in such a situation.

I wish you well, OP but you do not know what it feels like to be the child or family of someone in your situation. We go through hell too.

I wasn’t afraid of my (ex)friends’ mental health illness. I just couldn’t cope with seeing what it was doing to her kids and her refusal to get help.

When you have MH problems you find out who your friends are

No. You come to understand what your friends are able to cope with and how much they can realistically offer, and sometimes, it’s more than they can handle without it affecting their own mental wellbeing.

But then people should use their words and explain that. Not ghost.

Why is it some people with MH issues can only see it from their point of view, why can they never see if from anyone else's?

It is bloody draining having a friend/family member with MH issues, it saps you of every bit of energy you have, you fear phone calls from numbers you don't know wondering if this is the time they will have actually succeeded.

Friends/family step away because they have to!

But you can't understand that can you??

I bet they have never thought of that.

@pinkdelight wow that is scarily similar, that sounds like exactly how I started. I’ll comment on that thread as hopefully I can lend some advice. Thank you!

Thank you all, I’ve read nearly all the replies. I suppose neither of us are in the right or wrong or are inherently bad people, she just had her reasons and that was that. I think it’s as said above that it was never explained - she could’ve simply said I’m finding this hard to listen to so I’m still your friend but for now I have to step back.

My DH always said he thought the friend who was there for me was a “true” friend, whereas he was never 100% keen on the one the thread is about.

I guess I just thought our 18 year friendship and all we went through was stronger than letting what turned out to be a less than 18 month difficult period break it.

I’d always had some low level anxiety about my health, but never to the point it would affect others or my day to day life. I think it was triggered as my close relative had been to the GP complaining a few times, was told it was nothing to worry about - then quite literally dropped down dead at 25. On top of this it was around COVID time, my youngest was born, my marriage suffered and it was just an accumulation of things, I think.

I fully appreciate how difficult it must’ve been for the people around me. Luckily my youngest was only a year old, and my eldest was at school and spent most of his evenings and weekends at my parents during that time.

I’m a lot better now - it was a gradual process but I’m there. I have a great relationship again with my children who are both with us again and I have my youngest with me as a stay at home mum again, I get out and about, I’ve gained all the weight (and more!) back and things thankfully seem ok.

It's clear she has said things to OP. OP has not wanted to hear them.

This is a post where I would have loved to hear the friend's side. She obviously was there for OP when she was ill and before she was sectioned. It does sound like it got too much for her.

OP - have you tried to contact your friend? You don't actually mention this.

@Enigma54 I am so sorry to hear this. I hope you are able to live as good of a quality of life as possible 💐 I’ve heard this before, people ghosting friends when they have cancer or a severe illness.
I just can’t get my head around it at all xx

@redskyAtNighshe always said “I haven’t fallen out with you, I’m still your friend but..” and then would go on to say I was being a bad mother, I was being selfish, or attention seeking. Nothing more than that was said.

The only time I saw her in person during that period of time was for the hour or so she came to visit me in hospital. The other contact was purely through text or social media.

The thing is my friend who was there is person who would take me to a&e, sit with me in bed or with the crisis team etc - had kids, a full time job and her husband doesn’t drive so she put herself out and she was there physically and is STILL my friend. This friend wasn’t and disappeared, if that makes any sense. She’s blocked me so I can’t contact her, I spoke to her partner who was actually lovely and he said in time he thought she would come round as she doesn’t have many friends etc and he was quite nice and would send the odd message saying hope you managed to get out for a walk today etc. but I’m wondering if she found out he spoke to me as it suddenly just stopped.

Im sorry to hear that you went through this and happy that youre now in a much better place.

It sounds like she found it a lot to deal with and was unable to cope. Its hard and very upsetting to see someone in a mental health crisis. Maybe she blocked you because she felt embarrassed at her reaction.

So you weren’t alone? You had people centring you and looking out for you? Just not this one woman? Do you think she’s aware her partner is messaging you in agreement with how it’s all her fault and how wrong she is?