To feel hurt my best friend ditched me while I was sectioned?

[FlounderTheGuppy]

I’m not sure if I’m being overly sensitive or if this is as upsetting as it feels.

I had a very close friend of 18 years. We grew up together and I genuinely thought she’d always be in my life.

Around 18 months ago I went through a severe mental health crisis and ended up being sectioned. It was the lowest point of my life and something I’m still trying to process.

Instead of supporting me, she completely cut me off. No messages, no checking in, nothing.

What’s hurt even more is that before she disappeared, she said some really harsh things to me – that I was selfish and a bad mum. At a time when I was already struggling so much, that really stuck with me.

Since then, I haven’t heard from her at all.

I keep going over it wondering if I did something wrong, or if there’s something I’m missing, but I also feel really let down. After 18 years of friendship, I never imagined she’d walk away when I was at my lowest.

Part of me thinks maybe she just couldn’t cope with it, but another part of me feels like a real friend wouldn’t have treated me like that.

AIBU to still feel hurt about this and struggle to understand it, or do I need to accept that some friendships just end like this?

With your last update- she is a very bad friend. Based on one period of your life due to a traumatic event, she judged and dumped you instead of offering support and compassion. Your kids were with your dh and parents- not neglected. Honestly just leave her cut out op. Sounds like she wasn’t a good friend

@IWaffleAlot I think I answered it in my update at the same time as you asked

Posts like this are hard to judge. I know someone who was sectioned numerous times. The story they tell might be how they genuinely see things but they’re unaware of the stress they put others through who couldn’t cope anymore so had to move away from their relationship with this person.

I hope you’re doing well now. I’d try to move one and not worry about the relationship if it’s over.

It's good that you're better, but you may be underestimating how difficult it was for your former friend to be around you when you were so ill. I mean, you know her, and none of us do, so you're the only one in a position to decide whether she was never a good friend to you, or couldn't cope with the extremes of your illness, and/or was appalled by what your children went through during that period when you thought you were dying etc.

I will only say that while I am still close friends with my (mostly recovered and now coping) anorexic friend, coming right up against her mental illness where it was a matter of continuing to starve herself to death, with two children crazed with worry looking on, was incredibly difficult. She's a devoted mother when well, but her children's need for her just didn't penetrate at all for a while.

I know another friend couldn't deal with it at all and withdrew. She said it was like watching someone tormenting helpless small animals. They've patched things up since, but because the anorexic friend reached out and listened to what the friend had to say. I think that if you think this friendship is worth salvaging, you will need to be the one who starts the process.

Someone close to me was sectioned, their behaviour before and immediately after was appalling - they were very unwell and had limited control over what they were doing but by any measure the impact on family and close friends was very hard going. The person concerned had no insight into how they were affecting other people and I know they feel some folk deserted them in their time of need.

i wonder if maybe things have impacted her more than you realise and she’s pulled back.

I mean, it's not good. You say your kids were not neglected that "Never were they neglected or left alone, always with my husband or my parents." But that was because they stepped up. You never proactively arranged for them to be looked after as you were completely able to do anything on your own. You couldn't even dress yourself, never mind your kids. You were clearly having a severe breakdown, and that can be really difficult for others to deal with. You do seem to be playing down/just not realising how much your crisis affected others.

I'm not blaming you for anything that happened. Your mental health was outside of your control. But I do think that you now need to be a bit more forgiving of others and think about the impact it might have had.

I work in mental health units and the amount of family and friends that cut contact with loved ones when they are in hospital is really sad. Sometimes you can completely understand and I’m sure lots of people have really been through it trying to support loved ones but it’s sad regardless.

I really hope that you have the support that you need.

Health anxiety is extremely difficult to deal with, for the person going through it and for those around them, as you know all too well. There's a thread on here today where a wife is trying to get her DH to step back from his own mother because her health anxiety is going too far, and it's nowhere near as bad as yours sounds, yet most people still agree with that OP and think the mother is too much. It's so complicated, frustrating and upsetting to deal with and not everyone has the levels of love and patience to go the distance with the person who has health anxiety, especially at the levels you describe. Your friend couldn't cope with it and when she did communicate, you found her condescending and inadequate anyway, so the friendship was dying on both sides. Try to see it as a casualty of the condition rather than her fault or yours. I'm glad the meds have worked and that your family stood by you and all is looking much better now.

Yep. I am not excusing your friend but we really dont know her side of the story here.

Mental health issues can take a huge toll on family and friends and if you were in the midst of a crisis you simply may not have been aware of the negative effects on her.

Or, she could be a complete bitch but really, until we hear her side its impossible to tell.

This, I don’t think the “she is awful, how let down you were!!” posts are helpful.

After reading your update, I really think you should try seeing it from her perspective.

You sound very detached from the reality of your behaviour.

Because of the anxiety and distress I would sit and just rock for hours on end in bed or on the sofa, cry, phone GP’s, endless trips to A&E - you get the idea. I had another friend who would come with me to A&E (but try to tell the staff I needed MH health no matter what I tried to tell them) and was there through it all. This other friend just disappeared

With respect OP- what exactly did you expect your friend to do? EG I have a full time job and two kids myself so I simply wouldnt be able to stay with a friend at A&E for hours and hours at a time, or multiple times a week because I have my own responsibilities to deal with. This is all about what she is meant to have done for you but what did YOU do for her? So far, your view of friendship appears to be very one sided.

I have a close friend with health anxiety, which it sounds like has been in the background your whole life and come to a head when you were sectioned, is that right?

She might be a "bad friend," or she might have felt she had nothing more to give. It's interesting that you don't mention anything going on in her life, were you aware of her life or were you consumed by your own problems? This is not your fault, you didn't have the capacity either, but it would be interesting to hear what you think she got from the friendship.

It's only possible, IME, to be a good friend to someone with mental health issues, if you have the capacity yourself. There are times I have had to step back as I had real* health issues and a parent dying slowly and horribly, yet she would only ever talk about herself. My parents cancer was "triggering," for her, she could never visit me in hospital as she doesn't like hospitals (who does?) and thinks by even going into one someone will see something wrong about her and she'll be admitted and never leave. I was nothing more to her at these points than someone to reassure her and listen to her, I was under no illusions she gave a damn about me. I know that these phases pass and the right answer is to reiterate that it's anxiety not MS/cancer/organ failure etc, that is how I accept it and stay friends but it's not always easy to accept a very one sided friendship, whatever the reason.

The only way for you to move forward is to accept that it was too much for her, not that she was an awful person. That is going to sour all the nice memories you have as well and isn't really going to make you feel better long term. If you can reflect on what an undertaking it must have been to help you, then you can truly appreciate your family and friends that were there and how much they must love you.

*By real, I am comparing to the imagined illnesses from health anxiety, not mental health issues, which are also real

I’m sorry, it is very painful when this happens. Of course you are ultimately better off without such people in your life. I don’t know why severe mental illness is viewed so differently from something like, say, epilepsy. Once I even heard of someone demanding that a person undergoing an episode of psychosis and in extreme distress should apologise for ruining a party! An illness affecting behaviour does not mean the behaviour is under the person’s control. I hope you continue to recover and that you have other people in your life who are not so prejudiced.

I let a friendship slide when they were having poor mental health.She'd either be raging or crying and I came away from seeing her completely shattered from the emotional effort of trying to support her. The friendship was dead, it served her in that she got someone to sit there and listen but didn't work for me at all. I don't think she even realizes how bad it was or the impact it had on her family and her friends.

I'm sorry you've had such a tough time and hope you get the support you need.

I agree. I'm currently going through something similar with a close family member. They've decided that I've 'abandoned' them because I couldn't cope with hour+ long conversations, multiple times daily, and wouldn't travel to them on demand whenever they felt they needed support. This wouldn't be sustainable for a health person and I have fairly serious physical health issues of my own. But it's my fault apparently and actually engaging with professional services to get support is not something they're willing to do because family should 'step up'.

So I agree with the people who are saying that dealing with someone with serious mental health issues is very very hard and she may simply not have been able to cope any more. It doesn't necessarily make her a bad friend or a bad person. I think OP should be the one to reach out here.

Does she have things going on in her life? Sometimes it’s just too much to take on someone else’s problems too. Maybe she needed to take a step back. Sometimes coping with someone else’s situation can be draining. It’s often not that cut and dried.

Due to issues within my own family, severe ocd, electric shock treatment (all kept extremely quiet), someone being sectioned and an in law having serious issues, I’m extremely wary when someone mentions mh problems. This may make me very selfish, but I feel very strongly that I can’t deal so I would also potentially distance myself. I have very few close friends (ha, no wonder) Maybe your friend feels similarly?

A lot of people don't understand mental illness. They struggle to see that behaviour caused by the illness can be out of the person's control and see it as to do with character rather than health.
Sometimes this makes them make harsh and unfair judgement (like your friend who evidently felt you could have 'pulled yourself together' for your DC).
Sometimes it makes them shy away because they are frightened by the unpredictability, or no longer enjoy your company because of the way your illness makes you behave.
I'm sorry that you have been on the receiving end of this lack of understanding and stigma, but mental illness is poorly understood and difficult to navigate. I hope you have other people in your life who are aware and committed and who have been there for you. If you don't and are feeling isolated, support groups can be a good shout to meet new people.

A lot of people don't understand mental illness

Even if you do understand it, it's still hard to deal with it though. You can completely empathise with someone being unwell but still find their behaviour draining and difficult to deal with. Most of us arent trained therapists and are therefore ill equipped to get someone through a severe mental health crisis.

Thats not the job for a friend, its the job for a mental health professional.

Mental illness is awful. Really awful. Awful to experience if you're suffering from it and, frankly, awful to witness, and awful to support because by definition all the 'normal' boundaries don't apply.

It might help to think of this friendship as one victim of this horrible illness that you have suffered, OP. I think it's fine to feel hurt and offended and maybe if she took time to explain her side and hear yours you would understand each other, but if she doesn't have the capacity to do that (because it was too much, or because she couldn't understand, or your illness hurt or, yeah, just because she's horrible though I think that's unlikely) you have to accept that. It is very hard but it sounds from your description like one of the less hard hard things about the illness from which you're recovering to be perfectly honest, and you got through the worst of it too.

So sorry you were ill.

Absolutely this, and as above it is NOT HELPFUL to keep telling people “absolutely they are wrong for not accepting your behaviour, they should accept however you behave and if they don’t they are terrible!”

I had a MH breakdown a couple of years ago.

i was a fucking nightmare. I’m amazed that some of the people around me at that time can even bear to speak to me.

obviously it was a fucking nightmare for me too and I never want to go through anything like it again but I am so so embarrassed by what I did and how I behaved.