To feel hurt my best friend ditched me while I was sectioned?

[FlounderTheGuppy]

I’m not sure if I’m being overly sensitive or if this is as upsetting as it feels.

I had a very close friend of 18 years. We grew up together and I genuinely thought she’d always be in my life.

Around 18 months ago I went through a severe mental health crisis and ended up being sectioned. It was the lowest point of my life and something I’m still trying to process.

Instead of supporting me, she completely cut me off. No messages, no checking in, nothing.

What’s hurt even more is that before she disappeared, she said some really harsh things to me – that I was selfish and a bad mum. At a time when I was already struggling so much, that really stuck with me.

Since then, I haven’t heard from her at all.

I keep going over it wondering if I did something wrong, or if there’s something I’m missing, but I also feel really let down. After 18 years of friendship, I never imagined she’d walk away when I was at my lowest.

Part of me thinks maybe she just couldn’t cope with it, but another part of me feels like a real friend wouldn’t have treated me like that.

AIBU to still feel hurt about this and struggle to understand it, or do I need to accept that some friendships just end like this?

She's a shitty friend who deserted you when you needed her. Don't give her head space. Focus on who is there for you.

I think you have to consider that someone who would speak to you like that when you’re at your lowest isn’t someone you want or need in your life. Distancing yourself because you can’t cope with supporting is one thing but deliberately kicking someone when they’re down is something else.

maybe she was just never the person you thought she was - there’s nothing you can do about that. I hope you’re doing better now

I would suggest she feels guilty. Saying those things to you right before you were sectioned may be making her feel really bad and often people tend to avoid those they owe an apology. She may not have realised how unwell you were then felt really bad once she did. Maybe reach out to her. It might not help but knowing you’re not angry could really help.

Being around severe mental illness is very difficult, OP. It's hard for you to come to terms with, understandably, but not everyone can cope with it.

But you say she said harsh things to your face before she vanished -- what was the context of her saying you were selfish and a bad mother?

Again, there are circumstances where I could sympathise with this being thought, although I wouldn't vocalise it. I sat by as a severely anorexic friend starved herself to the point where her organs were starting to shut down and she was hospitalised, and her two children watched, terrified, as their mum appeared to be slowly ending her life despite their pleas for her not to leave them. It was one of the most appalling things I've ever had to witness. Her marriage took a death blow.

Is it possible your behaviour was worse than you thought? When people lose insight, they can misremember or totally forget how bad things got.

Couldn’t work out how to quote, sorry for the screenshot. Firstly, sorry you’ve had such struggles, that’s hard. And sorry you’ve lost a friend in the process, also hard. Re your final para/question: these two things are not mutually exclusive. Both can be true at the same time.

What was your relationship like before you were sectioned? Presumably you were declining for a while before this happened? It's hard to say whether she IBU or not.

To be honest, my best friend of 40 years had a mental health episode (lasted bloody years though) and I was there for her through thick and thin, went above and beyond what a good friend would do. However, in the end she was absolutely awful to me, said some really nasty things and I called time on the friendship. She blames it all on her mental health but I don't buy it, I've had dips of my own and have never behaved so badly.

Anyway, I digress. Could it be something similar for your friend? Did she try and help you to no avail. It is very difficult maintaining a relationship with some one in a mental health crisis and maybe for her own sanity she had to step back? Or maybe she is just a shit person, in which case as PP said, get her out of your headspace and just focus on the positives in your life.

Playing devil’s advocate here.

Maybe it got too much for her to handle. Going through a mental health crisis can difficult for all involved. The person experiencing it may not realise how it impacts those around them.
Those who are friends may find it hard to understand.

I don’t think you are unreasonable for how you feel. She could be a shitty unsupportive friend. However you can only tell us if what she said about you being a selfish mum was true and deserved, we can’t possibly know.

If it wasn’t warranted then yes she’s unfair or whether you exhibited that behaviour and the comments were justified, we can’t tell you.

If she was already accusing you of being selfish and bad mother before you were sectioned, it sounds like she was already falling out with you and your behaviour (whether intentional or not) and her reaction to it (rightly or wrongly) meant the friendship was over then. Not knowing how you acted around her then, it's impossible for us to say, and maybe impossible for you too as being at your lowest point, it would be very hard to be objective or see her side of things.

I'm not saying any of this to make you regret what happened or blame yourself, more to say that it was obviously an extreme time and not all friendships can survive that kind of pressure. It needn't be anyone's fault, more that everyone has their limit of what they can cope with. Your limit was passed and you were sectioned. She must have felt at her limit and draw a line to protect herself. The main thing is that you've pulled through and should be working on moving forward, not blaming her for letting you down or not being stronger. You don't know how she really felt or what she was going through. Take care of yourself and focus on the friends you have now.

I’m 90% sure she’s just a bad friend but without hearing her side it’s hard to say for sure

The reason I say this is because it can be hard, overwhelming and draining having a friend who deals with mental health and it can really bring you down. I know that’s harsh but I get like I became a friends unpaid therapist and I had to pull back from her.

I suspect this to be the case. Unfortunately, having bad mental health to the level of sectioning means OP may have behaved in a way the friend felt was unforgivable - the two things we know the friend commented on were being “selfish” and “a bad mom.” Bad mental health doesn’t excuse actions; it just explains them. You still need to apologize and make amends to those who have been hurt. It sounds like your friend was so upset by your behavior that she cut you off. Any idea why she would call you selfish or a bad mum, OP? Somewhere in the answer to this question will be the reason why she cut you off (and you don’t have to tell MN! Just give it your own private thought).

There’s a big difference between being unable to get out of bed and care for the kids due to ill mental health and leaving young children to fend for themselves while going out to drink/party/shag, even if it was a mental health episode. I’ve seldom seen people lose lifelong friends over the former, but I’ve seen plenty lose it over the latter. The problem is that they ARE both manifestations of ill mental health: depression in the first case and probably something like bipolar disorder for the second.

I had to defriend my ex friend with mental health problems. It was starting to affect my own mental health too much.

It very much depends. If she didn't know you were having mental health issues and you were neglecting your children, she would have been right to say something.

You said she hasn't contacted you, but did you contact her at all? Did you let her know you were out or is it possible she thinks you're avoiding her?

I think this is most likely the case. “But I had bad mental health so I should be allowed to get away with it” is a mindset a lot of people have and unfortunately it’s not always the case.

I had a LOT of grace for my friend struggling, but I felt like only she was allowed to be depressed and her issues were always worse than mine. I was exhausted, drained and felt like a 24/7 live chat therapist for her.

Most normal people do not randomly call their friends bad mums or selfish.

Maybe OP needs to think about her actions whilst going through a bad time and perhaps reach out to her friend and ask for a chat to work out what went wrong.

Agree with PP, without knowing what behaviours led to your friends comments it's hard to know whether she was unreasonable or not.

i think if you’re at the point where you’re telling someone that they’re selfish and a bad mum then you have given up on the friendship. It sounds like she has given you all the information you need for “closure”. sorry for what you’ve been through but yabu to be confused about why she dropped you, although yanbu to feel hurt.

was she not aware of the mental health situation when she said those things?

Firstly I am sorry to hear what you have been going through but some some people do struggle to deal with other people’s mental health issues and sometimes have to step away in order to protect their own mental health. My daughter had a friend who was receiving therapy for mental health issues. As part of the therapy she was told to share her issues and talk about them to those closest to her. Without going into too many details sharing things like suicidal thoughts and more became far too much for my daughter, who was just 18 at the time and also living away from home, to handle. The burden of that responsibility and the ‘what if something happened’ was far too much for my daughter to handle and she had no choice but to take a step back in order to protect her own mental health. Even years on she still talks about that being such a difficult year for her and I’m sorry to say that their friendship never did recover from that but sometimes a fresh start can be better for both parties.

That’s horrific behaviour

before she disappeared, she said some really harsh things to me – that I was selfish and a bad mum

Why did she say this?

I didn’t go out drinking or anything like that, at all. It’s obviously much more complicated than this but after the sudden unexpected death of a close family member very young, I basically got health anxiety to the point of delusions and I was absolutely convinced I was dying and no one was listening.

Because of the anxiety and distress I would sit and just rock for hours on end in bed or on the sofa, cry, phone GP’s, endless trips to A&E - you get the idea. I had another friend who would come with me to A&E (but try to tell the staff I needed MH health no matter what I tried to tell them) and was there through it all. This other friend just disappeared.

she said I was a bad mother as they witnessed me crying, I wasn’t focusing on them only myself and I was sectioned throughout the summer. Never were they neglected or left alone, always with my husband or my parents. I just wasn’t “present” with them as I pretty much at all times thought I was about to die. I didn’t eat, sleep, dress, wash without assistance for months.

i was eventually told they think it was something called somatic symptom disorder/health anxiety which tipped over into delusions.

fortunately thanks to the right mix of meds and support I am a lot better now.

What did she mean by selfish and a bad mum?

I'm so sorry, both about your mental health and being let down by your friend. I hope you are doing better now.

I too would feel let down. You presumably knew her very well and (if she's never explained) you might be able to work out what was going on in her head.

She might have really underestimated/misunderstood how bad/ real your mental health was getting and she really did think you just needed to "pull yourself together" or she got very worn down and exasperated by it - mental illness can be very hard and draining on those around you.

She might have felt hugely embarrassed about her remarks once you were sectioned. Or she could be an avoidant type who is terrified by mental illness. Or she might just be a horrible unsympathetic person who still thinks you could and should have snapped out of it. You will have a much better idea than me of which is likely to be true.

The friendship might be lost but working through the reasoning might be a helpful step to manage the hurt.

She came to see me in hospital when I was there informally, other than that she never visited me at home, she never even rang me. Just the odd text which was usually quite condescending. When I was finally sectioned I never heard anything from her, this was 2024 and I haven’t heard from her since.

I think maybe you’re forgetting something about the way you treated her. It all sounds very one sided tbh, I bet she’d tell a completely different story.