AIBU to let 11-year-old manage contact with unreliable bio mum directly?

[Haveyouanyjam]

AIBU to let 11 year old DSS manage his own contact with his mum after dealing with endless rudeness/abuse and problems from his biological mum?

She is meant to visit once a month and call twice a week. She comes more like once every 3-4 months, calls maybe once a week and gives no explanation or apology when she doesn’t call. If we ever miss video contact I am inundated with texts and calls and we of course explain apologise and rearrange if something has come up, or notify in advance if we know we can’t do it.

We make plans for contact to progress but she never sticks to it and then blames us for keeping him away from her.

She hasn’t attended a single (virtual) parents evening in 5 years and doesn’t ask about progress or show interest in him aside from when they occasionally speak.

DSS wouldn’t have a smart phone if it wasn’t for their contact. He would just be getting a basic phone for calls and texts as he is starting to walk from school.

AIBU if from now on I say she can have all communication directly with him, he can communicate with me about dates for visits etc. and she can explain directly to him when she doesn’t call etc. as honestly she has created so much unnecessary stress in our lives. She refuses to use a parenting app.

What is your issue? Why are you siding with the mother of the ops SS? It is because you too are a rubbish mother like her?

Yes people may say I have gone to far with that comment, but then you seem to ignore what the op is saying and will probably post negative shit regardless of what she says.

Op - it's true that we've only got your side, but his mother sounds like a lot of parents noways - unfit to be parents and it's everyone's fault apart from their own. You seem to be doing an amazing job - I hope things settle down and he will see his mother's true colours. When he is older, hopefully he will realise and appreciate how much you have done for him.

Can I just say well done and thank you for trying to give your son stability. People are so quick to have a go at step mums and you sound amazing.

Update and need some more advice…

So I tried grey rocking and it seemed to be going reasonably well, she was still relentless and unreliable but I was feeling less affected by all of it.

However, she once again made an unreasonable ask for contact and I held firm on our plan, she became extremely rude toward me and I reached my limit and said I would be blocking her on WhatsApp and would be going through a parenting app from now on. I sent the link to her WhatsApp first and to her email to make sure she got it. She did not (and has not) accepted this.

She still has my phone number, so do her mum and nan, and has contacted me on Facebook previously. Also obviously has DSS’ number. So it’s not that she can’t reach me at all.

She called him the next day when his phone was off (not a contact day) and then we haven’t heard from her since. She didn’t call on the contact day, was due to come down for a visit that weekend and I made sure to have his phone on all the time the days before just in case she needed to get in touch (we had already agreed time and place). She didn’t come. He called and she didn’t answer or send any response. We tried to call her on his phone again a few days later, at his request, and nothing.

It has been nearly a month and there has been no calls or messages and she appears to have actually blocked him on WhatsApp as his message does not go through, but she still shows as having a WhatsApp account attached to her number. He could still see her pictures and statuses until then.

I am torn as obviously that’s heartbreaking for DSS but at the same time, if she wanted to call or see him, she would and her Inconsistency has caused him so much pain and frustration. He has asked occasionally whether she’s tried to contact him and I’ve said no, and he misses her and we have talked about it, but I feel like contacting her to tell her what she’s going is just artificially prolonging a relationship she doesn’t want (or doesn’t want to work for) and DSS is actually better off with no contact as at least it’s consistent and he’s not being constantly strung along and let down.

He has asked about calling his nan to ask her why his mum hasn’t called, and I’ve said that’s absolutely his choice and just encouraged him to think about how he may feel if he doesn’t get an answer that he wants.

He has actually been calmer since contact stopped but I know it’s hurting him a lot.

Is there anything I else I should be doing other than supporting him with what he wants and being there for him?