AIBU to let 11-year-old manage contact with unreliable bio mum directly?

[Haveyouanyjam]

AIBU to let 11 year old DSS manage his own contact with his mum after dealing with endless rudeness/abuse and problems from his biological mum?

She is meant to visit once a month and call twice a week. She comes more like once every 3-4 months, calls maybe once a week and gives no explanation or apology when she doesn’t call. If we ever miss video contact I am inundated with texts and calls and we of course explain apologise and rearrange if something has come up, or notify in advance if we know we can’t do it.

We make plans for contact to progress but she never sticks to it and then blames us for keeping him away from her.

She hasn’t attended a single (virtual) parents evening in 5 years and doesn’t ask about progress or show interest in him aside from when they occasionally speak.

DSS wouldn’t have a smart phone if it wasn’t for their contact. He would just be getting a basic phone for calls and texts as he is starting to walk from school.

AIBU if from now on I say she can have all communication directly with him, he can communicate with me about dates for visits etc. and she can explain directly to him when she doesn’t call etc. as honestly she has created so much unnecessary stress in our lives. She refuses to use a parenting app.

I can see why you might feel frustration and I think finding a more direct route for him sounds wise.

However you're going to have to search for the advice on here, because you're about to get flamed by every other poster for using the term "bio mum"

I can just hear it now

"Bio mum? You don't need the prefix 'bio', she's his mum".

"YABU for using the term bio mum" etc

It’s too stressful for you to deal with her so you expect a child to deal with this instead? Of course YABU.

She sees him every 3 or 4 months, no shows, let's down her child regularly and hasn't been to a parents' evening for 5 years, I'm not sure she even deserves bio mum tbh

YANBU that she sounds like a nightmare, but you can't let an 11 year old deal with that, he must be so hurt already, why can't his father deal with her?

I took “bio mum” to indicate that the child in question has been placed into the OP’s foster care, and so OP is “foster mum” or “adopted mum” and is legitimately referring to the child’s birth parent as his “bio mum”. No?

This took a turn. I thought it was going to be his mum pushing for direct contact and you saying no.

I don’t think direct contact is appropriate but I also don’t think you should be managing it. It’s a job for his dad.

up to his father, no?

She’s his step mum.

Maybe I haven’t explained it right. It’s not that it’s too stressful it is that she is outwardly rude and abusive to me in normal communication. Which she wouldn’t be to DSS over the phone. A lot of the things she raises with me are pointless and she wouldn’t raise with him.

Maybe I should rephrase it that I just let them continue their contact as and when and don’t have any additional contact with her outside of that.

I am step mum and DSS lives with me. Dad is in the picture but stopped contact with her years ago because of her abusive behaviour toward him and the impact on his mental health. He lives separately and is supportive of DSS but is of the view we should just cut contact with bio mum altogether. Currently DSS wants contact despite his anger toward her over her treatment of him and she is not a physical risk of harm to him so I don’t think we can just do that.

Does his dad also live you with you and DSS? It’s not clear from your post.

Sounds like you are going above and beyond but I don’t think direct contact is the thing. His dad needs to step up.

You cut contact, or rather the child's parent does and let her take it to court. If SS arrange contact for a fostered child, three no shows and in the best interests of the child, it's cancelled.

How is DSS feeling about it all? Why are you in charge and not his parent?

I appreciate it's very, very hard to deal with such an unreasonable, unreliable and infuriating bio mum. But I'd try and stay in the middle for another few years. It's just that 11 is very young, he is still developing, and it's a lot for a child to handle this on his own.

I'd recommend reading book titled "say goodbye to crazy" and implementing some serious grey rock techniques. All communication in texts, don't reply to her unless you absolutely must (i.e. you're arranging visitation dates), "no" / "yes" is a full sentence, get a separate phone for her and check only once a day, if she starts hurling insults and abuse, stonewall her entirely for a period of time,etc etc.

You'll get to the other side of this, and time will pass quick. Just implement some boundaries and it will be tolerable - though may take some time for her to get a hint and go bully someone else. But she'll move on eventually if you don't give her the drama she wants. Your SS will definitely thank you later!

Eh? So you’re the step-mum to a child who’s mum AND dad don’t want to live with him? The child lives just with you? Do you have parental responsibility for him? 🫤

This is massively helpful thank you.

DSS dad doesn’t live with us currently due to mental health issues but is involved in his life. DSS mum has been horrendous to him over the years and he can’t tolerate dealing with her though fine to handover etc. I am definitely better equipped to handle it and am the resident parent with PR etc.

Poor kid. Do whatever you can to shield him

why do you sometimes miss video calls?

He’s too young to be the go-between is my instinct.

if she’s that unreasonable then she will end up taking it out on him.

Could you go with the plan of getting him a non smart phone for school but have a spare phone that you turn on at set times for her contact so that she’s not blowing up your phone?

OP, thank heavens he has you. You sound absolutely amazing.

I read a few more of your replies, and she sounds like a classic narcissist. Can't stress enough that grey rock methods and unemotive, factual, infriguent and low key communication are the only way to go. When you make a step change in how you deal with her she will kick off, but hold the line for a few months and don't get baited to her pointless arguments. She will go away eventually (ask me how I know!).

The book I recommended is a life saver, have a read.

If you can do this for a bit more time to support him, he'll become a more rounded teenager and adult as a result. All the best for you and your SS x

Use a parenting app to communicate with her and change your mobile number. Only address things she writes that are pertinent and ignore the rest.

Your stepson doesn't need a smart phone for his mum to contact him - she can text or phone him. I'd avoid a smart phone, bring more problems.

I agree with the pps who've said that 11 is too young for your DSS to have to deal directly with him mum - sounds like she'll repeatedly let him down.

My son's Dad isn't as bad your DSS's mum, but was a bit flakey. Communication was between me and him till she was about 14, when it didn't matter so much to her that he was going to be a no show/hours late for pick up.

To clarify are you officially his legal guardian at the moment? If ypu haven't gone through the correct channels you could be breaking the law.
Kindly, you seem a bit clueless yo be putting an 11 year old child in a situation because you find it too stressful. Who is safeguarding this child?

What a nasty reply when op is clearly the best parent the child has and she is obviously on his side.
Of course this situation is stressful with a feckless abusive mother and a sick father.

She said she has PR so a bit of time reading would have saved you asking this, and what law do you think she would be breaking even if she didn't?

Your poor stepson. This woman is so abusive and messy that you and the dad want to have nothing more to do with her, but you’re considering letting stepson deal with her independently. I would be seeking legal advice and getting my child into counselling if he isn’t already, to figure out how best to deal with this. Her behaviour is harming your child (and as you’re raising him, he is yours in all the ways that matter).

I can understand missing video calls when she’s so flaky. It’s not reasonable for him to have to sit waiting for her to call twice a week if she often can’t be bothered.

I don’t think this should be his sole responsibility. It’s too much for him to manage yet. He still needs your support. It sounds like he’s lucky to have you!