AIBU to let 11-year-old manage contact with unreliable bio mum directly?

[Haveyouanyjam]

AIBU to let 11 year old DSS manage his own contact with his mum after dealing with endless rudeness/abuse and problems from his biological mum?

She is meant to visit once a month and call twice a week. She comes more like once every 3-4 months, calls maybe once a week and gives no explanation or apology when she doesn’t call. If we ever miss video contact I am inundated with texts and calls and we of course explain apologise and rearrange if something has come up, or notify in advance if we know we can’t do it.

We make plans for contact to progress but she never sticks to it and then blames us for keeping him away from her.

She hasn’t attended a single (virtual) parents evening in 5 years and doesn’t ask about progress or show interest in him aside from when they occasionally speak.

DSS wouldn’t have a smart phone if it wasn’t for their contact. He would just be getting a basic phone for calls and texts as he is starting to walk from school.

AIBU if from now on I say she can have all communication directly with him, he can communicate with me about dates for visits etc. and she can explain directly to him when she doesn’t call etc. as honestly she has created so much unnecessary stress in our lives. She refuses to use a parenting app.

Why would I not ‘give back’ my DSS who has lived with me and his siblings for the past 5 years and finally has a settled happy life? Where he is loved and supported and lives in a home without violence, endless chaos or substance abuse. Where he goes to a lovely school and has friends and activities and has his own room. His dad sees him nearly every day and has him overnight regularly and is very much involved with him. There is a court order in place for him to live with me so I couldn’t give him back even if I wanted to…this is his home.

Is this rage bait because honestly 🤣🤣🤣

Of course not, an adult needs to be dealing with it.

Thanks to (almost) everyone for the thoughts and support. It’s helpful. I will keep dealing with the challenges of communicating with her in the best interests of DSS. I know it’s worth it. He got his school report today and for the very first time he is actually on track for some of his targets. He was so behind when he came to us he could barely read or write his name and he and we have worked really hard to get him caught up, his school teacher has been great these last two years. I honestly could have cried when I saw it! So will focus on that instead.

@bloodyweeds - @Haveyouanyjam said ''DSS dad doesn’t live with us currently due to mental health issues but is involved in his life. DSS mum has been horrendous to him over the years and he can’t tolerate dealing with her though fine to handover etc. I am definitely better equipped to handle it and am the resident parent with PR etc.''

The whole situation sounds difficult, but you are reading things that aren't there into the OP's posts. DSS may be in hospital for his mental health issues for all you know, and not 'separated' as in heading for a divorce. That doesn't make him a deadbeat Dad, which conclusion you have jumped to. OP also says that DSS Dad is involved with his DS, so his Dad hasn't abandoned him.

Projection?
I am not sure why you're so sure that OP is being unfair to the birth mum. Some mothers are awful, and OP is raising her step child whilst not even sharing care with the other parent!

That is good news @Haveyouanyjam. Sounds like all your hard work is paying off for your DSS. You won't have to deal with DSS Mum for ever. He will be able to deal with his Mum on his own terms in another few years, but I'm glad you aren't asking him to do it now.

Where is his dad? His dad should be handling all of this. Not you, not him.

Our job as parents is to be a buffer for our children from the world to a degree. It’s not his fault that he lost in the mum lottery. It’s your dh’s fault for having a child with a crap co-parent. He shouldn’t be shouldering the responsibility for his parents poor choices.

This is on your Dh. I would, however, stop planning the calls and visits with him. It can be a surprise if she turns up. But stop dropping him in the disappointment every time she doesn’t. He can soon decide for himself if he doesn’t want to speak to her or see her and that can be relayed to her by your Dh. It’s not his job to manage what you as an adult find too hard.

Can't believe some of the batshit responses on this thread, and people who haven't taken the time to properly read the posts. You sound like a loving and caring stepmum and your DSS is lucky to have you in his life and advocating for him. Wishing you all the best. Definitely worth reading some of the books previously suggested (say goodbye to crazy, etc).

I don’t think you’ve read the full thread. He lives with me not DH and his mum was very abusive toward DH for a long time. It is down to me and I will carry on with that.

We tried not mentioning when she was due to come until she was on the way, and just putting his phone on and not saying if she doesn’t call, but DSS is 11 and not daft. When they do speak he asks her when she’s coming and knows what days she’s supposed to call. If she doesn’t call I don’t say anything unless he asks, but he is old enough now to be aware.

I think leaving this for an 11 year old to deal with that is putting far too much on the 11 year old. If you as an adult have difficulty dealing with her, and his dad can't because it will affect his mental health, how is your stepson supposed to manage? He doesn't yet have the skills and I think if you try this now, he'll be the worse for it.

Could you switch to using a court admissable app for communication with her and use that only? I think the video calls are intrusive into your privacy and would limit those to only one area of the home. I would suggest therapy both to help him deal with his feels and to teach him communication skills that will help him deal with his mom in the future.

Unfortunately, I think you're going to have to suck it up for a few more years. 11 is still quite young to have him dealing on his own with a volatile parent.

You've done great taking this responsibility and conflict on, your stepson is lucky to have you in his life.

As a stepmum who retained partial custody of my stepdaughter after divorcing her dad and who also experiences an inconsistent mother... just wanted to say you're doing an amazing job. Its an absolute tightrope to walk.

I think you still need to manage the contact at 11 with the trauma of an inconsistent parent it will be too much for him but absolutely cut off all other contact. Grey rock and dont reply to anything that isnt you making arrangements. Hes lucky to have you.

It's too much to expect of an 11 yo but this is his Dad's job, not yours.

This must be difficult to deal with.
Who has parental responsibility for your DSS?
If its you,as awful as she sounds to be behaving i think you have to find a way to facilitate your DDS relationship with his unreliable mum.
If its the DD he has to do it.
11 yrs old is still developing and needs parental support and guidance in this tricky matter.

You sound like a lovely step mum ❤️ well done to your DSS on his fab school report 🎉

I can’t believe a previous poster said to just give him back to his mum….. wow the mind blows!!

Honestly OP I would:

1. get a new number for yourself and DSS - switch him to a phone you like and say she can use your number for video calls
2. leave your old phone number active for her to do her rants and other shit on. You can ignore them for the most part, just turn it on for scheduled calls and when it suits you to deal with her nonsense
3. ignore at all other times.

I would give her an email to contact you or a communciatuons apps the courts can suggest for co parenting in difficult situations and change your number. She has access to dc on his phone.
She can contact you by email or app

@bloodyweeds your posts are coming across as really cuntish, is that deliberate? Or are you having a bit of a shit day?

Op I am so sorry that your poor wee dss has such a crap bm, he is lucky that he has you in his life. I agree with pp that a separate phone for dss contact with her is the way to go forward.

On a side note, it would be helpful to your dss to have counselling now before he starts going through puberty. He may need a top up then whilst going through puberty, but this should help him before his hormones kick in. A mental health reinforcement as it were, he is mentality vulnerable due his relationship with his mother.

I wish you and your dss a happy and peaceful life 💐

Thanks for the responses. She won’t use a parenting app I’ve tried that before, I tried blocking her and making the request but she just contacts me from other numbers (she seems to have a new one every month or so…) I could change my number but will try the grey rock first.

In terms of therapy, DSS is receiving mental health support, I take him to therapy every week.

"In terms of therapy, DSS is receiving mental health support, I take him to therapy every week."

That is a relief to hear, you got this op, you are doing great.

This is really good advice. Frankly I think if you give her direct contact things will only get worse in ways you can't dream of yet.

You are doing a really good thing looking out for this child. It sounds really hard but kudos 💐

Insist OP. Change your number and ignore any other contact than the app. The end. Don’t give in.

Narcissists do go through phases of being calm and sensible, but that is just another one of their manipulation techniques. They do this to keep you reeled in and responsive - they know you'd drop them in a heartbeat if they were just nasty 24/7. It's constant push/pull with them. But don't mistake their fleeting "co-operation" for them being actually reasonable. The way to deal with it is just to response to their niceties in the exact same manner as you'd respond to their nastiness- short yes/no answers, don't reply immediately, engage in as unemotive manner as possible, etc.

And you don't need to resign to having to deal with her for the rest of your life! No matter how constant her presence may now feel in your life, a time will come when DSS is old and mature enough, and you don't need to deal with her at all. Bide your time. The day will come.

I agree with others who have said that as hard as it is, your DSS still needs you as a buffer.

He is so lucky to have you. Allow yourself a little pride for that school report. Well done to your DSS, but bloody well done to you as well ❤️

I know services are cut to the bone, but it sounds like you need support. Ask around and see if anything is available.

You sound like you are amazing. Just ignore the dippy posts, and (the bio mother, as far you can) 👍