AIBU to let 11-year-old manage contact with unreliable bio mum directly?

[Haveyouanyjam]

AIBU to let 11 year old DSS manage his own contact with his mum after dealing with endless rudeness/abuse and problems from his biological mum?

She is meant to visit once a month and call twice a week. She comes more like once every 3-4 months, calls maybe once a week and gives no explanation or apology when she doesn’t call. If we ever miss video contact I am inundated with texts and calls and we of course explain apologise and rearrange if something has come up, or notify in advance if we know we can’t do it.

We make plans for contact to progress but she never sticks to it and then blames us for keeping him away from her.

She hasn’t attended a single (virtual) parents evening in 5 years and doesn’t ask about progress or show interest in him aside from when they occasionally speak.

DSS wouldn’t have a smart phone if it wasn’t for their contact. He would just be getting a basic phone for calls and texts as he is starting to walk from school.

AIBU if from now on I say she can have all communication directly with him, he can communicate with me about dates for visits etc. and she can explain directly to him when she doesn’t call etc. as honestly she has created so much unnecessary stress in our lives. She refuses to use a parenting app.

I’m wondering whether you do a halfway solution for a few years?

If bio mum is behaving reasonably with dss then you could let her have his number and so she can call and text as wanted. And you could therefore stop asking her why she hasn’t called etc.

But, the bad-cop stuff which is likely to provoke a negative reaction could still sit with you till he’s 16. Eg you message her if you’re running late or going to miss a call etc.

Tell her you've all got new numbers. Get a cheap phone and leave it in a draw. Turn it on at times you expect her to ring then put it away. Only check the phone when you have the time abd cba to read a load of shitty messages. That's what we do.

Reading your other messages I would also advise contacting your local authority and starting the process to get a special guardianship order or something similar. You need some form of legal Parental responsibility if the child is living with you but her birth parents are not. Been there ourselves and have the sgo. Happy to chat if you want to vent x

You sound amazing, it’s so good that your step son has a stable, loving parent given his biological parents aren’t able/willing to prioritise him.

My concern about letting him manage contact directly is that if his mum can’t get to you, she’ll try to get to you through him. Or if he doesn’t accommodate her being flakey, or doesn’t agree to contact on her terms she’ll start manipulating him. Or he’ll feel he has to do what she wants ti keep some kind of relationship with her. All of which is too much for a child to deal with.

I think setting up a single point of contact, be that an app or a different phone, might help keep contact with her to a limit and reduce your exposure to her. I can see why you’d want to step back, it sounds like you’re spinning a lot of plates, but you may find it actually creates more problems down the line and you’ll be dealing with the impact of that on your step son and still have the flakey mum to deal with.

You an't expect this poor child to manage a relationship with an abusive parent. Okay so you think she won't abuse him directly, but her broken promises are emotional abuse.

I am so so sorry you are in this situation- but you are clearly the only reliable adult in his life. He's too young to try and navigate such pathetic parents. His dad doesn't like the abuse so isn't stepping up either? This poor poor kid. And yes poor you as well having to deal with parents who are so utterly crap.

Please stand upo for your DSS and protect him while he is so young. I know it's hard, but let the abuse just roll off. Or otherwise maybe talk with the LA (I know they are stretched so this may not be practically useful) and see if they can take over supervised contact in a contact centre. THis is crying out for support being put in place for both you and your DSS.

I'm so sorry.

I would set up a 3 way WhatsApp group with you, her and your son on it

Step mum here. Please do not put DSS directly in the firing line, however difficult it is with bio mum you need to be his first lime of defense. But whatever you do - do not miss scheduled calls/video calls. They are important and should be treated as such.

She already has PR for him.

I think 11 is too young for a child to sort their own contact and to act as a go between. If they was 14/15 I'd say go for it but an 11 year old simply is not going to be able to manage it, look at how she makes his Dad and you feel, imagine having to deal with it at 11. I know it isn't your responsibility OP, but it isn't an 11 year olds either.

My sons ex was hopeless with contact

i told him that this sporadic contact meant nothing about him, it was a reflection on his dad.

I can’t stress enough how grey rock is the way to deal with this woman. You have contact times set up if she calls, fine, if not and if not convenient when she does finally bother her arse to call.. <shrug> simply, take the power away from her by dropping the rope, treat her like a flakey acquaintance and model this to dss.

ignore her rants entirely, perhaps get a new number for her to use, dss has lost his phone…

all of the consequences need to fall on her, not dss. Encourage him to not care or allow her bs to reflect on him.

you got this. And you’re doing an amazing job 😘

It’s also perhaps wise to point out that abusive people aren’t selective. She absolutely will turn abusive toward your son. It’s just a matter of time. Get the parenting app and keep him as shielded as you can from his waste of space parents.

this. OP you sound lovely and I get your problem even though I have no experience of it. I don't think you should remove yourself completely from the process though. 11 us a bit young not to have any support. I think the whatsapp group is a great idea and limiting communiication between you and her to whatsapp/texting, so that your SS can see EXACTLY what is going on, might help both you and SS.

I would tend to say (something like), she comes to pick him up on the first Saturday of every month at 9am, she calls him every week at 5pm on Sundays and Thursdays, no exceptions, any times she misses don't get rescheduled. That way no more organisation is required and the amount of talking you need to have with her is minimal.

Please protect and advocate for this child. Don’t just throw him to the wolves. He needs you.

Not his bio parents, that's for sure.

Why have a dig at the one who didn't have to stay, but chose to?

Thanks (most). I needed to hear that I just need to keep dealing with her but just keep contact to a minimum. She does have his number, that’s where the video calls happen, and we do prioritise them we rarely miss and it’s always significant extenuating circumstances (stuck in an unending traffic jam for example), if we aren’t going to be available for a known reason we notify in advance and make plans to rearrange.

The thing is she wouldn’t do it anyway! She would find another way to contact me, her mum and nan both have my number, she makes more effort trying to speak to me than she does DSS. It’s frustrating as it seems no one holds her accountable for always letting him down, so sometimes I feel like I must make her aware of the impact she has, but maybe I’m better off just leaving her to it. Challenging her hasn’t changed her behaviour so the impact on DSS is the same whether I advocate for him or not.

She can message or leave voice notes at any times but rarely ever bothers and DSS usually doesn’t reply if she does.

So I will continue to keep contact to a bare minimum and facilitate the video calls and when she does visit and just ignore the rest. We have made our position clear that contact will only increase as and when the current contact is consistent enough that they actually have a relationship, and I can just say it’s down to her to take us to court if she thinks that’s unfair, as we have an agreement in place.

The frustrating thing is that she goes through phases of being sensible and calm but it never lasts and she will never accept if we say no to something or don’t agree with her.

I think it’s just hard to accept I will have to deal with her in some form or other for the rest of my life, but I feel so much for DSS that he’s stuck loving her on top of that!! I know one day he will see her for who she is (he already does to a degree) and I can rest in the knowledge that he will know I supported him with it all the way, regardless of how hard it is.

We have tried this but then she would never see or speak to him and he does want the contact. Mainly because he gets to do an activity and eat a tonne of sweets, but also because it helps him feel less rejected. She has other children who are still with her (though she shares PR with another family member) as the dads there are a waste of space…

This is only op’s version so I suspect her version is going to be different.
Op has already said they cancel calls and apologies, after bitching about her for doing it.
She is his mum, even if op doesn’t like it, she is, just like dads who have much less involvement than this are still dads even if step dads don’t like them but obviously the bars a lot lower then.

You said when you cancel video calls you are inundated with calls and texts, then you contradict that and make out she’s not interested and is unreliable while admitting from her point of view you are keeping him away from her, yet we only have your side and your complaints about it being unnecessary stress in your lives.

Of course her version would be different, but it also wouldn’t be the truth.

She misses at least half of her twice weekly video calls with DSS and says nothing to explain why (to DSS, I am not asking for an explanation myself). There have been periods where she hasn’t contacted for 6 weeks or so.

We maybe miss one out of every 12 calls, and if it happens to be one where she was actually intending to call (which it often isn’t) she will then call me repeatedly and demand to know why we haven’t called. In that case I obviously apologise and explain and we offer a time to rearrange. The only ones we have missed recently were because I was stuck in a traffic jam with all the kids at the time of contact, which I told her about as soon as we were home and offered contact the next day, and when we were away at my grandmas where she doesn’t have internet and phone signal is extremely poor. I warned her of this in advance, she insisted we must call anyway and indeed we did try to call twice, she didn’t answer and didn’t try to call back at all.

She has been in care proceedings twice, shares PR with another family member (not a parent to any of the children) and has had social services involvement since before DSS was born, so I’m quite content IANBU about my characterisation of his mother, and am happy to accept IABU to no longer manage the contact myself and as I’ve said, I will continue to do so.

The dads are a waste of space but she has her other children with her?
She has other children that live with her so she’s obviously not that bad as is capable of being a mum so it sounds more like it’s complicated navigating contact around you.
I imagine it’s not easy trying to have a relationship with him when you paint her in such a way to her child when she is a mum to all her children and didn’t ask to co-parents with another woman who doesn’t like her and paints her the same as the dads who are a waste of space and not in their lives but she IS bringing up their children while you bring up ONE of hers.

I don’t think you’ve actually read my posts and you seem to be taking this very personally. I have not said she is as bad as the fathers, two are involved in bringing up their children, one is not. I do not speak badly about her to DSS. I am bringing up someone else’s child willingly alongside my two children, loving him and treating him as my own. He has significant emotional issues a result of what she put him through when he lived with her and still struggles to deal with her inconsistency and lack of effort. She hasn’t so much as given him a birthday or Christmas card, or attended a virtual parents evening (there have been 10 since he has lived with us). I am not that fussed about what kind of parent she is to her other children, that’s got nothing to do with me, my concern is my DSS and the impact her behaviour has on him and the fact I have to deal with abusive behaviour from her in what should be normal communication about contact. You say the bar for dads is on the floor but apparently the bar for step-mums is in heaven…

I just want to say OP that you are clearly going above and beyond for your DSS and he's lucky to have the constant of you.

Completely understand the frustrations of you being a verbal punchbag for this woman. Do your best to keep it brief and limited.

To be honest if she’s got her other children with her, and her son is not even with his dad why would you not just give her back her son so she has all her children together.

She is a mother bringing up all but one of her children because you have him, not even his dad who has done what, abandoned his son? Like you bad mouth her for.
Why do you think she’s worse than him?
You are separated from his dad now, the boy should be living back with his mother and siblings as a family and have contact with his useless father who abandoned him which should be arranged between them. I don’t see a place for you in this at all, you are separated so not even a step mum, just an obstacle in the way of this mum being a mum to one of her children.

I would use Chat GPT to help you manage / deal with her and use that to deal with DSS feelings too.

She will eventually turn her nasty behaviour towards your son, and if you stop being the mediator, you won’t know when it happens. You have more than stepped up, but I don’t think he can be left to deal with her alone yet.