17yo dd crying cos I said no to bf staying, but she does nothing in house

[ghostcats]

ok so I dont even know if im being unreasonable or not tonight its all just gone off again

my 17yo dd (eldest) has her bf here most nights yes I allow it before anyone jumps on me about that its easier than her sneaking about and hes polite enough etc

but she does NOTHING round the house like honestly nothing. I ask her just basic things like help with washing up or keep her room ok and its always later or she forgets or just walks off

ive got other kids as well its not like its just me and her sitting about ive got my hands full most days and nights

anyway tonight I said no he cant stay cos ive had enough of the attitude and the mess and she just started crying straight away saying im unfair and everyone else lets their kids do what they want (dont think thats even true)

then it turns into her saying im horrible mum and she hates it here and slamming doors waking the ds up

im just tired if im honest

she never stays at his its always here and I cook for them half the time and I just feel taken for granted

I said if she helped out a bit and spoke to me properly it wouldnt even be an issue but she just rolled her eyes at me

now shes in her room crying and texting him like im the worst person alive

aibu to say no tonight or should I just let him stay to keep the peace cos I cant deal with another argument

and before anyone says it no im not some terrible parent I do everything for them and maybe thats the problem I dont know anymore

I would say no from now on, we all know where this heading but you are the adult so she needs to learn what is acceptable or not and I would be telling her the water works hard done by act won't work if she wants to be a drama queen she can do it elsewhere

I bet you're the best mum. Ignore her its emotional blackmail. Stick to your guns. Tell her when she can be civil and start helping then you'll reconsider. Good luck. Shes just pushing all your buttons. 😍

I wouldn’t be letting a 17y old’s boyfriend stay most nights, regardless of the other stuff.

I think that’s fair, having him there is causing you even more work (and expense) and if she’s not doing anything at her age that’s not acceptable. So remove her privileges until she can show she is mature enough to have her bf staying over.

So was she ever set chores to do Growing up and this is new behaviour or was she always allowed to do sweet FA? She can cry all she likes and if she doesn't like she can find some where else to live.
Don't be a doormat to a rude, lazy teen.

She's just proven she isn't mature enough to have her bf staying over at all. Let her cry. No more staying over.

Also, no way would I have a 17 year old lad staying over no matter how polite he is.

Don’t let him stay tonight to keep the peace!!! That’s probably what got you into this situation in the first place, you sound way too permissive.

You're absolutely right to revoke her privileges until she starts treating you with more respect. That doesn’t make you a bad mum, that makes you a good one, helping her grow into a responsible adult.

If she wants to be treated like an adult, she needs to start acting like one. Then and only then can her boyfriend stay over and you have to set a boundary. It’s a maximum of X days a week. Do you know his parents? Presumably they’re happy with this arrangement, certainly easier and cheaper for them.

Nip it in the bud now.

This. She's shot herself in the foot having a cringey little tantrum.
It's not in anyone's best interests to have some unrelated male in your property, and she should be capable of being a functional adult in a few months time, so no need to do everything for her.

Say no bf staying at all until she’s become a functioning member of the household. You don’t let a 10 yos boyfriend stay, and she acts like one at home.

All she's done is lie demonstrate that she's not mature enough to have a boyfriend staying over. Don't give in to the emotional blackmail!

This. There’s no way a boyfriend/girlfriend would be staying every night in our house. All families are different but we wouldn’t allow it. I also wouldn’t be putting up with the laziness of doing nothing about the house and expecting meals for her and the boyfriend, absolutely not! If they want to pretend to be adults then they act like an adult and that includes mucking in for household chores. That includes acting like an adult, not slamming doors and having a tantrum like a toddler!

Crying? At 17? Oh dear. She's got a lot of very rapid growing up to do given that she's less than a year away from being an adult.

How did teenagers get so lazy, rude and entitled? I once rolled my eyes at my DM when asked to do something; my DF saw me and was like a raging bull! Never disrespected her again.

I think I would struggle not to laugh at a 17 year old throwing a temper tantrum. Tell her to stop bloody crying and load the dishwasher or something.

Ignore the sulking. Proves ah is immature an tbh not ready to have bf stay over

makes you wonder why thy stay at yours and not his

Yep. I agree.

She's being a brat. Stand your ground.

17 is not a child.
17 is an adult being indulged.
17 is find somewhere with the bf if it is so important.

Is she normal developmentally for her age? Just because the immediate crying, running off, slamming doors and "i hate you!" Sounds very weird for a 17 year old, it's more the way I'd expect a pre teen to react. Definitely doesn't sound mature enough for a bf to stay over!

Same here. Especially with this level of immaturity.

My 17 yo is not allowed overnights. She can have overnights when she moves into student housing.

If you want to allow them for yours, I would still enact a moratorium until she shows much more maturity for a sustained period. this tantrum is proving she is not ready.

How old is the bf and what's his situation?

I think it's your job as a parent to put boundaries in place for their own benefit and the relationship sounds very intense for a 17yo let alone the lack of responsibility and respect for you and her home.

I think you tell her calmly that you love her and will always be there for her but she needs to start to act more respectfully if she wants to continue having him round and you paying for her luxuries etc. And then you need to stick to it. She's either pushing back because she thinks you'll bend or because she's under pressure from other sources.

Her boyfriend shouldn't be staying overnight at all, especially with younger children in the home. That's irresponsible and reckless.

She should be doing chores. Not to earn boyfriend staying over, but because she's a part of the household and old enough to contribute some to the shared workload.

Tantrums get her nothing. Certainly not her way.