17yo dd crying cos I said no to bf staying, but she does nothing in house

[ghostcats]

ok so I dont even know if im being unreasonable or not tonight its all just gone off again

my 17yo dd (eldest) has her bf here most nights yes I allow it before anyone jumps on me about that its easier than her sneaking about and hes polite enough etc

but she does NOTHING round the house like honestly nothing. I ask her just basic things like help with washing up or keep her room ok and its always later or she forgets or just walks off

ive got other kids as well its not like its just me and her sitting about ive got my hands full most days and nights

anyway tonight I said no he cant stay cos ive had enough of the attitude and the mess and she just started crying straight away saying im unfair and everyone else lets their kids do what they want (dont think thats even true)

then it turns into her saying im horrible mum and she hates it here and slamming doors waking the ds up

im just tired if im honest

she never stays at his its always here and I cook for them half the time and I just feel taken for granted

I said if she helped out a bit and spoke to me properly it wouldnt even be an issue but she just rolled her eyes at me

now shes in her room crying and texting him like im the worst person alive

aibu to say no tonight or should I just let him stay to keep the peace cos I cant deal with another argument

and before anyone says it no im not some terrible parent I do everything for them and maybe thats the problem I dont know anymore

Stand your ground. She's acting like a toddler. It's never too late to start acting like an adult and contributing around the house. From now on she earns the right to have guests.

Tough shit for your dd. She needs to grow up. Why is bf allowed over so much? Isn’t your dd at school?

Your daughter is not mature enough to be having sex.

There is no way I would be letting a boyfriend stay under my roof most nights - or even one night.

You are condoning something that will backfire massively.

Stop being a doormat. She's treating you the way you're allowing her to treat you.

There are 2 separate issues here.

1. I can't understand for the life of me ehy your minor daughter is allowed to have this boy sleep over every night- especially with younger children in the house You know this is not normal right? Is she in 6th form or does she work?

2. Her lack of contribution to the running of the house. You should be insisting on this whether she has a guest or not!
   You sound as though you have been unable to set responsible boundaries up to now, and have tried to be her mate not her parent!

Sray over means they are having sex in the next room to your younger daughters? That would be a hard no from me. As pp upthread that's not normal or healthy at her age in a family home no matter how you try to justify it. She's your dependent child not a room mate.

You’re a far cry from a bad mum, you sound awesome! - you’re doing the right thing for sure. My kids are 6 and 1 and they don’t like the word no, it seems they never learn to accept it without a tantrum* then?

• [Post edited by MNHQ]

Everyone cooks and no one leaves the kitchen until everything’s cleared away and washed and dried up. She’s going to be an absolutely shit person to live with when she leaves home. And I hope for you that as soon as possible.

Yanbu.
She should be helping around the house. Having her boyfriend stay is not a human right. Teens will play the I hate you, you’re the worst mum, and all my friends get to do this cards when they know you are right and they are taking advantage of you. When she is calm, tell her what she needs to do around the house to have bf stay over.

Have you ever expected her to do chores? If you've had no expectations up until now, course she's kicking off. Now you reset, make her boyfriend staying a privilege she has to earn back. Room tidied, kitchen cleaned, dinner made even. She'll get it.

I don't bend to anyone putting the water works on and certainly aren't guilt tripped to feel sorry for them and change my mind to their favour.
My mum used to do the tears A LOT when things weren't going her way, I used to tell her to behave and either change the subject or walk away.

It’s Hard to pull it back now but you need to. I’d be telling her you are unhappy, her attitude towards the situation was childish and boyfriend isn’t staying over for 2 weeks. In that 2 weeks she needs to be polite and helpful around the house. Then you’ll reevaluate. I wouldn’t be having bf stay at all but if you are comfortable with it and her attitude improves maybe say once a week.

Stand your ground OP. Your house, your rules. If she doesn’t like it, tough, she can move out and live elsewhere. I would have second hand embarrassment for her crying over a boyfriend about this.

The crying is an emotional blackmail tactic. I used to work with a grown woman who was pretty useless at her job (public sector). Every time she was spoken to about it she would cry and run out of the office. At one point she was on a performance improvement plan. The crying is so manipulative.

Funnily enough when she left for a private sector role they didn’t tolerate the crying and ended her employment during the six month probationary period!

The crying tactic won’t help your daughter in the long run. She needs to realise that.

Did she actually say that everyone else lets their seventeen year olds do what they want? 🤯

And your requests are keeping her own room tidy and helping with washing? I don’t want to sound like a Mumsnet ‘I make fifteen meals from a chicken’ parody but my dc were changing their beds, putting their own washing away and things like that from about six. When they started secondary they were making a family meal once a week.

She’s mad to think peoples mammys are looking after them to that degree at seventeen.

@ghostcats

I hope you are still there reading.

I agree with many PPs saying sleepovers with boyfriend should be completely off the table - she is too immature and it’s not fair on the other kids (or you).

Dont conflate the chores issue with the boyf issue - chores should be done because she is old enough to help in the household in which she lives and that is non negotiable.

Tantrums, door slamming, disrespecting you - unacceptable and should = immediate sanctions / removal of luxuries.

It’s terrible role modelling for your younger DC as well.

You still have time to pull this back but you really need to do so immediately because 17 year olds should be able to behave/regulate themselves better than this.

YABU. Don't be a doormat!

@mumstheword1x people shouldn't use the word 'paddy' when they mean tantrum. Posts on here usually get deleted for that.

It sounds like you’ve got yourself in this position because you haven’t taken this stance more often.

Be stricter, make rules.

I assume you’re paying for her phone, letting her use wifi etc. If she doesn’t do ask she’s asked you stop paying for it, stop doing her washing etc.

If you want her to turn into a self sufficient adult you needed to make her a more responsible teen.

Don’t change your mind now or you will just have taught her that if she makes a fuss you will back down so next time there’s an issue she will make a bigger fuss. When she’s calmed down just tell her that when her boyfriend stays it’s more work for you and if she’s grown up enough to have him there then she’s grown up enough to help more around the house. Be specific about what you want her to do.

We had a blanket rule that BF's didn't stay over because of our younger DC. It made life much easier although our eldest was a horror for pushing boundaries and arguing that black was white. I don't miss those days

I’ve got no problem with long term boyfriends/girlfriends staying over. However it suggests a level of maturity that your DD isn’t displaying. As pp said sit her down when she’s calmed down and explain exactly what needs to happen for her to show she’s responsible enough for the privilege of being treated like a grown up and stick to your guns. You don’t have to match her energy just be calm and firm.

I think these are 2 separate issues, she needs to pull her weight around the house like an adult if she expects to be treated like one. I wouldn't have the boyfriend stay every night anyway. But I would view that as a different issue aside from her not helping around the house.

She doesn't sound mature enough to have a BF staying over in the first place. Id be saying no to the BF sleeping over until she grew up and helped around the house and spoke to you with some respect.

I wouldn’t be letting a 17 year old have their boyfriend or girlfriend stay over most nights! Don’t they have school or work?

Adults have their partners staying over so they can do grown up things like having sex. I would say no to any further stay overs until she’s proved herself to be pulling her weight around the house like a grown up. Crying and stropping is not helping her case here.

I mean you’ve let her have an inch and she’s taken a mile. No fucking way would I have two 17 year olds shagging under my roof, especially if you have younger children. They’re still children.

His parents don’t extend the invitation to your daughter, so what does that tell you? They stay with you because you’re a soft touch.

I totally agree. I see she states they don’t go to his house. What about her other children having a strange bloke in the house. 17 and behaving like a married couple. Then the mum will be shocked when she get pregnant.