17yo dd crying cos I said no to bf staying, but she does nothing in house

[ghostcats]

ok so I dont even know if im being unreasonable or not tonight its all just gone off again

my 17yo dd (eldest) has her bf here most nights yes I allow it before anyone jumps on me about that its easier than her sneaking about and hes polite enough etc

but she does NOTHING round the house like honestly nothing. I ask her just basic things like help with washing up or keep her room ok and its always later or she forgets or just walks off

ive got other kids as well its not like its just me and her sitting about ive got my hands full most days and nights

anyway tonight I said no he cant stay cos ive had enough of the attitude and the mess and she just started crying straight away saying im unfair and everyone else lets their kids do what they want (dont think thats even true)

then it turns into her saying im horrible mum and she hates it here and slamming doors waking the ds up

im just tired if im honest

she never stays at his its always here and I cook for them half the time and I just feel taken for granted

I said if she helped out a bit and spoke to me properly it wouldnt even be an issue but she just rolled her eyes at me

now shes in her room crying and texting him like im the worst person alive

aibu to say no tonight or should I just let him stay to keep the peace cos I cant deal with another argument

and before anyone says it no im not some terrible parent I do everything for them and maybe thats the problem I dont know anymore

Are you a single Mum by any chance? You are being treated like the help by both of them so stand your ground.

I hope you can tune out some of the judginess here OP. There was another thread recently from the mum of a 17 year old asking about letting the BF stay over and loads of people jumped in to berate her for even considering saying no, since she is over the age of consent. Also on the housework side, getting them to pitch in is not linear. We were on top of this at primary age but balls gets dropped along the way for all sorts of reasons. For some of us it gets harder, not easier, as they get older.

Now seems like a good time to tackle it and your approach seems reasonable to me. Normally I'd have said don't link the two things together, but having Bf stay is what she cares about now, and removing that permanently with no lever to earn it back would make it very difficult to engage her cooperation with anything else. Play the hand you've been dealt.

She is crying ? oh dear me, what a shame. Tough, let her cry, let he say you are the worst mum in the world. You know you are a great mum so just ignore her. She is 17 not 7. You need to be strong here and tell here it is time to grow up. If she is old enough to be having sex under your roof then she is old enough to do her share of household chores. If she won't, then do nothing for her, no cooking, no washing and if she leaves her stuff anywhere but her room then either bin it or charge her to get it back and no to any overnight visitors. You are the only person that can change how you are living.

Well, either she behaves like a grown up (including doing some cooking. Cleaning, laundry, chores etc without having to be asked) and gets treated like a grown up…

or she acts like a child, behaves like a child and gets treated like a child

up to her really

Unfortunately you set no rules and boundaries and are now reaping the consequences of that.
You need to set out your expectations.

I read (bf) as breast feeding and came to say you are being unreasonable for saying no to her breast feeding while she was staying.
But now I understand and no you’re not being unreasonable, it’s your house - your choice.

Why was this 17 year old not doing household chores when they were younger ?

This type of post is no help at all. People can only start from where they are now.

This, 100%

No more boyfriends would be staying over in my home. Children(which she clearly is) don’t need that.

You’ve been far too lenient on your dd. I get it. I have been too with mine (almost 18) but she’s been very unwell since year 11. This is just a sulk and a tantrum. Ignore it and she will get the message.

She should be cooking once a week at least considering how often he stays. They can do it together. You would be perfectly within your rights to put stipulations on this, eg that he can only stay twice a week, they need to cook on those days etc. The consequence is then no food, he goes home.

As for the washing, you could just stop doing hers. She will soon start doing her own.

So stop "doing everything for them"! If your daughter wants to be treated as an adult (having BF to stay), then she needs to start behaving like one (contributing to the household, either chores or funds).

I would tell her till she bucks her ideas up, he’s not allowed to stay the night

I'm on the fence and imafine many posters have not yet reached the later teenage years.

17 year old have sexual relationships. It's a parents role to ensire they know sex sgould take place only in a stavle relatuonsgip where there is mutual respect and contraception is used. Sex isn't dirty or wrong and good attitudes to ot will help the later functionality of the younger children.

That said, at 17, over nights should only be on Fridays/Saturdays because on other nights school work/sports/music fixtures come first.

When DS was 17 and wanted his girlfriend to stay over those were the rules, together with reassurance that contraception was in hand and the girlfriends parents were happy with the arrangement. There have been many girlfriends since but I am still in touch with her mum. Open channels all round support confident and functional relationships.

Chores are a separate matter and she needs to be allocated her jobs which need to be completed if she wants "grown-up" privileges. However at 17 providing laundry went in the basket, the bathroom basin was wiped, towels hung up and clothes put away, dirty crocs put in the dishwasher (which I regard as basic house training) school work took priority.

There's more to the tantrum than meets the eye I suspect. I hope the two of you can talk about relationships.

How was she allowed to get away with doing nothing for 17 tears ?
I think DS was 2 when he was trained to put his toys away.
"Helping" Mummy was a part of my childhood & I carried it on with him.

Tell her that there's no need for such drama. The resolve is in her own hands. Show you for a week that she is prepared to step up and do the reasonable tasks you've asked of her and he will be welcome back. Then as long as she continues to do that, he will continue to be welcome. But that as long as she leaves you to do all the running around after her, you're not prepared to add to your work with a house guest.

Her developmental task at this age is to be in regular conflict with you, so that it is easier for her to cut the cord and become an independent adult.

You can help her do this by standing your ground, and showing her you can withstand her tears and theatrics, and you still love her even when she says you’re the worst mum ever. Take it all with a grain of salt.

Letting her rage and be disappointed is a loving thing to do, and an investment in her future. Even if it’s annoying and exhausting for you in the moment.

mumtheword1x
Please don't use the word paddy, you mean tantrum

You can separate yourself from your obligation to be a good parent.
Ie. You could say that you'd love for him to be staying over and for her to be able to have him, and any friends over, whenever she likes. But you cant, because allowing it to happen the way its happening now would be really bad parenting.
She cant do whatever she likes and expect you to absorb all the work it creates.
He cant expect to get a free ride at your house and live in perpetual " guest mode" being waited on.
She can't bring someone into your shared house on those conditions.
She cant use trantrumming and sulking to get her way with you at 17. She has to talk contribute and negotiate any change. You simply cant allow her to do that as it would be bad parenting and your sorry but you can't be a bad parent just because she wants to get away with stuff. Or not do her share.

Kind of. " I love you but parenting is my job and you deserve me to do the best job I can" so it's not almost not personal?

Wether you allow your 17 yr old to have her BF sleeping over is your prerogative to decide (although i agree with other posters about the "most nights" being unwise)
It's also your prerogative to decide the terms under which you allow her BF or others guests to stay over in your home.
I dont think it unreasonable of you to say the terms of you having overnight guests are that you keep your room clean and tidy and help with household chores .
Your daughter sounds immature if she cries because she's expected to behave in a reasonable way with household chores.
If she's adult enough to have her BF sleeping over she's adult enough to agree terms.

This. You are not being remotely unreasonable.

What's more, your house your rules. I wouldn't hesitate to ask my kids friends to help clear the table and clean up if I've provided dinner unless it was a really rare event for them to be there. Summer holidays are coming up, I'd be making her a list of chores she will be responsible for with or without a summer job.

This. You are not being remotely unreasonable.

What's more, your house your rules. I wouldn't hesitate to ask my kids friends to help clear the table and clean up if I've provided dinner unless it was a really rare event for them to be there. Summer holidays are coming up, I'd be making her a list of chores she will be responsible for with or without a summer job.

Ignore the tears. Stick to your guns. When she’s calmed down, present her with a reasonable list of chores. If she completes them throughout the week then he can stay at weekends. End of. It is your house. By the way, who pays for that phone she’s texting him on???

No I wouldn’t let him stay, certainly not all the time and in the week. Let her cry and sulk, she needs to learn to help keep the place tidy.

OP I hope you stood your ground 100%.