17yo dd crying cos I said no to bf staying, but she does nothing in house

[ghostcats]

ok so I dont even know if im being unreasonable or not tonight its all just gone off again

my 17yo dd (eldest) has her bf here most nights yes I allow it before anyone jumps on me about that its easier than her sneaking about and hes polite enough etc

but she does NOTHING round the house like honestly nothing. I ask her just basic things like help with washing up or keep her room ok and its always later or she forgets or just walks off

ive got other kids as well its not like its just me and her sitting about ive got my hands full most days and nights

anyway tonight I said no he cant stay cos ive had enough of the attitude and the mess and she just started crying straight away saying im unfair and everyone else lets their kids do what they want (dont think thats even true)

then it turns into her saying im horrible mum and she hates it here and slamming doors waking the ds up

im just tired if im honest

she never stays at his its always here and I cook for them half the time and I just feel taken for granted

I said if she helped out a bit and spoke to me properly it wouldnt even be an issue but she just rolled her eyes at me

now shes in her room crying and texting him like im the worst person alive

aibu to say no tonight or should I just let him stay to keep the peace cos I cant deal with another argument

and before anyone says it no im not some terrible parent I do everything for them and maybe thats the problem I dont know anymore

Grown up enough to be sleeping with her boyfriend in the house then she’s grown up enough to do her own cooking, cleaning and washing. And the boyfriend can help. Or prove himself useless which I highly suspect he is.

I am always so surprised at the posts where parents think it is appropriate to have a BF or GF stay overnight at a younger age. I long ago decided I was just a prude but my sons never had a person of the opposite sex spend the night until they were out of uni and in the working world. At that point they were living together so what was the point? Especially when you have younger children at home.

As a mum of a 17yo.. no. YANBU, and i'd be telling them they're not staying until they stop behaving like a child. If they want to be treated like an adult, they start behaving like one, including keep their room tidy and helping with a few things to cover the extra work him staying causes.

((eta: On that note.. if her reaction to you saying no is to stomp off, slam doors, cry and say everything she said to you, then she's clearly not mature enough to be having that kind of relationship.))

But then i wouldn't be allowing my DD to have anyone stay over full stop. I was 20 before i even considered asking to have a partner stay, and i'd been with him for 8 months by that point, and had a full time job, and my own car.. so.

Don't give in. Her bf is basically living with you for free. Perhaps now they'll make it so she stays at his parents sometimes. Can't see why she can't pull her weight but expects you to cook etc for the extra guest. She's taking advantage of your good nature and now being manipulative.

Same, though in my case it was four DDs and a DS. I don't know anyone from my friendship groups who did, either.

Let her cry. Sounds like a normal teen tbh.

Id talk to her and say, shes almost an adult and adult privileges come with adult responsibilities and tell her going forward her BF can come over after shes done her chores

I'm not on the fence. My youngest (of five) is 24, oldest is 36.

Chores were non negotiable and had to be done regardless of the academic and sport plates everyone was spinning. They did their own laundry and other chores and organised their own time from about age 12 - 13, and had PT jobs too, babysitting several times a week up to age 16, when they could legally do restaurant, shop, or other hourly work.

If they couldn't manage their time in such a way that their grades were maintained, their PT jobs had to go and they were without spending money. I did not give pocket money. My DCs grew up and went to school in the US where the grade point average is calculated from your first week of high school and it counts for admission to university. The idea of letting any chores or extra curricular slide because of academic pressure is nonsense, imo. How are teens to learn to keep up with all the demands of real.life if not by exposure to the demands of real life?

I did not allow opposite sex friends or bf/ gf to sleep over. The DCs all managed to get through their teenage years without exploding from frustrated hormones.

All those saying they would never let a 17 year old stay over are living in cloud cuckoo land.

in the real world a parent does what they can to make sure their kid is making good decisions in a safe environment, whilst keeping lines of communication open If that means going ‘off book’ with the perfect parenting, so be it.

I think a lot of people here have forgotten how it feels to be a teenager! I think your reaction is perfectly fine OP, and it’s very good for your DD to have responsibilities and consequences.

However, being emotional and angry at 17 is so normal! I was crying and slamming doors as well at that age thinking that my mum was the most unfair person because she set a boundary or consequence. Then I grew up, matured and now we have a fantastic relationship, and I’m grateful for the lessons she taught me.

OP, keep on being firm but loving and don’t worry about big emotional outbursts. It’s normal!

It's a parent's job to decide reasonable boundaries and then hold them firm even if the child is upset. That applies whether they are a toddler or a teenager. Nothing you have asked is unreasonable.

But those parents are in the real world. Having firm boundaries does not mean they aren't communicating with their child.

I’ve been with my now husband since I was 17 (I’m 37 now) he was my first and only. I’ll also never forget the time I asked my mum if it was ok for him to stay over at our house, I was a nervous wreck but as my parents had met him they agreed and vice versa. If however it wasn’t an option I most certainly wouldn’t have thrown a tantrum or cried, I also did basic chores (between us siblings we had to do the dishes) and my parents were super laid back and we never had to pay rent. But, we respected our parents and home and rules. My own parents met at 15 and my grandad gave my dad a hard time so I think my mum wanted to give me more of an easy life - but I was always respectful and it’s been 20 years and we’re still going strong. But if I gave my mum any “tantrums” then everything would stop. Also, who over the age of 3 has tantrums? If I tried that as a 17 year old I’d get my arse handed to me and rightly so!

You should defo reward ‘stacking the dishwasher’ with sex. It makes perfect sense…

Although you think you're doing a good thing, you lost respect from her and the bf by letting him stay.
Soon the younger ones will too.

This is an opportunity to restart and say it's actually made you realise she's not mature enough for all the staying over.

Your house, your rules, but has she ever helped?

I'd get even stricter. She's obviously a spoilt brat. 🤔 Whose fault would that be?

For her to have that reaction are you sure her boyfriend is not putting pressure on her?

My thoughts exactly.

If she is seriously crying over this instead of speaking to you about it then she isn’t as grown up as she would like to think she is. Use this opportunity to tell her thats It’s a NO from now on until she starts to act more adult and help around the house.

you do right OP, sounds like she needs a reality check and to stop taking liberties. She wants to act like an adult she needs to learn that with growing up comes responsibilities and she can contribute in some way at home. Why is he staying over every night? sounds too much and disruptive to the family dynamic. I would not be happy with that around a younger sibling either, it sort of sets a standard. She needs boundaries even at 17 of what is acceptable and not within the family home. You sound a lovely Mum just trying to do your best, hang in there.

Another OP who doesn't bother to come back.

Jesus I never had a boyfriend stay at my parents till I was 21 and I had a child by then and it was only 1 night as we had been at a party at my parents and both drinking! It never crossed my mind to even ask my parents for partners to stay over actually and it didn’t do my any harm

if she’s crying like a child she is treated like a child, I wouldn’t be having any partners stay over most nights, I think they have plenty time for playing house when they’re older and have their own houses but obviously everyone is different and has their own way of running their homes, I certainly wouldn’t be allowing it until she has a huge attitude change and starts helping around the house more

I allowed my 17 yr old to have her bf over (she was nearly 18, both are nice and respectful). They are still together 2 years later. However they do stay at his too and have time apart so he’s here maybe 2 nights a week.
I do sometimes feel taken for granted on doing cooking and washing up too but she is working and studying and I don’t begrudge her having a social life at her age. If her room is too messy or she makes a mess in the kitchen or bathroom and doesn’t clear up the she knows I won’t be happy and we’ll have words and she will take it on the chin and not strop off crying. She is an adult now (OPs nearly is) so it’s about being respectful to one another not me trying to ground her or ban things as it would not be very effective in any case.
OP you should not go back in what you have said for tonight and you should use the opportunity to set better ground rules eg only staying 2 or 3 nights a week and doing certain household jobs for that to continue

Well he’s already been allowed to stay over 🤔 but they’re taking advantage of your good nature .
It needs to be made crystal clear that unless she helps around the house and clears up any mess they’ve made then he’s not allowed to stay

First off, forget the word help. This implies that everything is your job and if they do the slightest thing around the home, they are helping you. It’s not your sole responsibility to do everything, especially not for a 17 year old.

Lay down the law, it’s your home, your rules, she can like it or lump it.