Husband doesn’t see what I do as a contribution

[summervibes26]

Myself and my husband haven’t been getting on well lately. There is a few factors but mainly I feel I’m responsible for the majority of the mental load of everything whilst working part time and whilst he does help out around the house and with the kids ect I feel it’s me who sorts most things out. When I address this the answer I get is I work I don’t have time or I forgot. If I push back I’m told you never forget anything cos you’re perfect aren’t you.
I’m hearing this more and more. It came to a head a few years ago and he claimed he’d get checked by a doctor as he’s struggling with memory ect. It got better for a while and he started using notebooks and diaries to keep track.
An example is our daughter has her birthday this week and not once has he said to me what are we getting for dds birthday (I’ve already picked up her gifts) instead he’s going away this weekend and I’ve heard about the stuff he needs to do before he goes away which he managed to find time for.
I purchased a birthday gift for a family member on his side, left a card and gift wrap there and 4 weeks on he still hasn’t dropped the gift over despite living local.
I snapped this morning though when he was making the kids lunches and went to put a granola in their lunch which contains nuts despite me telling him he can’t give them this granola in school (no nuts policy) only two days ago when he sent them into school with the same granola.
I highlighted how I’m sick of having to remind him of the most simplist things ect. He has access to the same information I have regarding the school policy.
He then said if it wasn’t for his money (earnings) we wouldn’t have this house ect . The last year or so Ive had countless of comments similar to that extent. He earns twice as much as me but before we had kids we were on similar salaries which funnily enough got us our mortgage. I’m happy to do more around the house being part time hence the buying of gifts for his side of the family as that was the agreement we had when he took the job which would entail longer hours for him and occasionally working into the evening/weekends when he’s home and I wanted to be home with the kids more. He said I can’t have it every way but all I’m looking for is for him to remember simple things and try take an interest in stuff.
There’s a lot of stuff I can probably move on from but it’s the bit of being reminded how he earns more and how our life wouldn’t be possible if it wasn’t for his earnings that really gets me.

I’d get back to work full time and start planning a divorce. This man is self centred and shows contempt for you. There’s not much you can do to come back from that tbh. Once he has to remember this stuff for himself without a wife to do all his thinking, it will become clear to everyone else what a waste of space he is, and that bringing money isn’t the only thing required for a functional life.

I mean, if we are completely honest here dropping off a gift to a family member or worrying about no nut school is not the most exciting stuff for anyone to be interested in. I am not defending him, he sounds like an absolute dick but I also think it is understandable that he doesn't want to concern himself with the mundane when he knows someone else will do it.
I am more surprised that you agreed to pick up all of these jobs to begin with.
If I were in your position, I'd be looking to get back to FT work ASAP. You can't possibly be spending more times with kids when they are at school for the vast majority of the day. Which means, as far as he is concerned, you are just sitting around at home. So go back to FT work and make sure all other chores are split equally when you do.
If that doesn't work, divorce is a perfectly viable option.

Overall, I completely sympathise with your frustration at his lack of memory and needing to be reminded. From my own journey to ADHD diagnosis, there is no way I would have had the time to pursue it when I was working full time. I was always almost drowning and setting up doctor appts and pushing for an assessment felt impossible until I was not working (job loss). Your DH has a demanding job with evening and weekend hours.

If him getting to grips with why he struggled with remembering things, then perhaps help him with that?

In addition, I think it is odd you bought a birthday gift for a distant relative on his side of the family but have said nothing to him about DD’s birthday? It seems like a deliberate sit back, let him fail and then watch him feel like shit and DD feel like shit.

Going back full time isn’t an option at the moment as it would mean the kids would not get to go to their afterschool activities. I’d be up every morning at 3am and wouldn’t be able to get to bed until 8pm plus as he already travels for work it just wouldn’t work with childcare whereas now I’ve enough flexibility to swap days around if needed.

I’m also on the fence here a bit. Why on earth buy your child’s gifts in secret waiting to see if he mentions it. Yes it appears he is forgetful or not paying attention, and clearly it worries him enough to see a doctor, but you seem to be passively aggressively trying to test him and looking for failure so you can have a go,

this is not a marriage it’s a competition.

@SummerFeverVenicei told him I had to pick up a few things for dds birthday but he never asked oh what we thinking or she’d really like x

I’d stop buying for his side of the family, he clearly isn’t bothered so why should you be?
I didn’t see how old your dd is but if she is at school then tbh I think you should be doing most, not all, of the house jobs and management.
Perhaps go back to work full time with the understanding that he does more, then if he doesn’t you will be in a better position financially to think again about staying together or not.

I told him I was bringing her to go dress shopping for her communion a few months ago and he was like I’m not getting involved in that. Her dress has now come into the store and we’ve to go to collect it and again I asked did he want to go with us and he was like no I’ve to go into work I’ve seen the photo.

I’m not sure why three of you would go?

Sorry I meant to add I’ve 3 children so youngest is 6

When you sadly part time what do you mean? 8hrs a week or 30?

I get what you mean though- he did the lunch but you have to double check it. He sounds checked out of family life.

When he says that you wouldn't have the house of it wasn't for his earnings, tell him he wouldn't have a family if it wasn't for what you do.

If you can't go back to full time work because of his hours, then how would he even see his dcs if you split up?

He takes you for granted but is it out of ignorance ? Call his bluff and pretend to be contemplating full time work, and sit down with him to sort out who takes the kids where when etc and see if his attitude changes.

Our school offers activities within the wrap around provision so kids of FT employed parents still have the same chance to attend a range of things. Does your school offer something like that?

With great respect, if your marriage is shaky it might be best to focus on improving your earnings and compromising on activities which are nice but not essential.

Your H may have genuine issues with memory and executive function which is characteristic of ADHD, but nobody here can know that. I have to do a lot of the thinking for my ADHD spouse but the crucial point is that he is never an arse about it. Being a self absorbed and entitled knobhead is not a symptom.

Well are you honestly not able to do all this stuff on the days you aren’t working as agreed? If so you need to sit down and discuss how the things you can’t manage are going to get done. If you could get them done (eg text about birthday present plans, or dropping present at local relatives, sorting pack lunches, catch up “meeting” about what’s going on this month) then just get on with it.

I think you’re finding your role more irksome and the drop in salary more upsetting than you expected. You can change it if so.

Remind him that his salary wouldnt be possible without your childcare contribution and sacrifice. Or just divorce the prick for having zero respect for you and thinking he is better than you.

@TheStepboardisfullofbitteroddosI work 30 hours a week over 3 days. If I go full time I’d still earn about 15,000 less than what he earns now before tax. Going full time isn’t an option in the job I have with his travel without getting an aupair.

Does he even think about your children? Lots of us work full time, or two jobs and still remember our kids birthdays and generally just think about them through the day. What activities they have on etc even if we're not the ones taking them there. He sounds a bit pathetic really, just having you sort everything like you're his mummy.

Telling that he can be so organised when it suits him eg for his upcoming trip....

See I don't see anything wrong with this?

It doesn't take 3 of you to pick up a dress.

With regards to the rest, I think if I was working full time and earning twice as much as the part-timer, I'd see it as fair that they did more.

Is he happy for you to remain working part-time so the kids can do after school activities?

But if you are divorced....then his travel is not your problem but childcare will be.

People are trying to help here.

I am in the process of divorcing my exH and this is the thing I'm most looking forward at not having to do anymore. All the mundane, boring stuff that's essential for a smooth life. We are still living together, for various painful reasons, but I'm moving into my own home in few weeks time.

I am dreading how filthy the family home will become though, he hasn't swept or mopped a floor in months. Doesn't do laundry until the basket is overflowing, not changed either child's bed unless they've had an accident.

I cannot wait to only be responsible for the kids and I.

Yes I know I shouldn't be doing all the cleaning, and I don't do his laundry, however, I do all the kids laundry. I have picked my battles and am placing my mental health over picking fights about housework. I know I've set him up for failure as he figures stuff out on his own, that is quite satisfying tbh

You seem to be creating a lot of unnecessary "work" in order to justify being part time

Lots of couples both work full time and manage birthday presents etc without lots of drama

Stop buying for his side of the family for starters - that's a him problem .

3 kids, youngest is 6, so this isn’t a new thing, is it? He checked out ages ago and the job is an excuse. You’ve carried him and he’s become entitled.

I both DH and I work more than full time, across international time zones, both travel (I’m away at least half the month) and we’re both capable of buying birthday gifts and adhering to school policies.

There is currently no benefit to him in doing more. So you are going to have to force it. Stop making life so comfortable for him at your own expense.

With great respect, if your marriage is shaky it might be best to focus on improving your earnings and compromising on activities which are nice but not essential

This. It's time to start problem solving a way to get back to working full time

Why on earth would both of you need to be there to sort a dress?

Can you afford to go on holiday for 2 weeks and let him see what you do?
also stop buying gifts for his family for him. Like seriously he’s proven that’s wasting your time.