Single mum living with parents in London, stuck for housing options

[Prinnypeach]

More looking for guidance on this one from any single parents who have been through this.

separated from DDs father when she was only 2 months as he left me for another woman after 10 years together. was in the trenches with being a single parent and on mat leave so agreed to sell house.

moved back in with my parents and DD. Lovely and appreciative and all was well. DD getting older - now 3 - and I’m struggling with parenting whilst being parented by my own parents. In some ways you could say I do turn back into the sulky teen I once was. Parents are retired so home a lot, I work from home, all just on top of one another, have never had a particularly good relationship with my dad, we argue a lot and I don’t like DD seeing it all.

feel my options are limited with moving back out. I work part time 3 days a week, my firm can’t increase my days, and if I did I’d pay even more for nursery and would actually be worse off.

salary is low even if I did go back full time - would take 2k a month which is better than some of course but I live in London where most rent is 2k plus. No chance on the housing register, I work for the council and it’s just impossible to get somewhere. Have got 50k in savings from selling the house so not entitled to any UC

cant get a mortgage as salary too low - looked at shared ownership but that puts me into financial difficulty after a couple of years when the savings run out as I would use the rest of my savings to top up my salary and pay bills etc.
renting also isn’t an option for me just due to low salary and do want to have something in my name at least. also to mention I previously rented for years before meeting DDs father and getting in place together which we wasn’t in for very long hence not walking away with as much as I’d usually like.

feel so stuck, want to give DD somewhat of a normal life. My sanity is compromised when I live with my parents and I love them dearly, and I truly truly appreciate them and everything they have done for me. However, I’m 32 - me ans DD are not getting any younger and I want to parent and live how I want to - there is a reason I moved out at the young age of 20 originally.

have looked at earning more money - doing a uni course etc but I’ll be no better off starting at the bottom of a job and working my way up over the next few years. Have also thought about moving further out but DDs nursery is here, she won’t start school until nearly 6 due to birthday being end of Nov. Also would struggle to be away from friends and family if I move out and think I would feel pretty lonely.

i just feel I have no options. Has anyone else been in this situation and if so, how did you do it?

and before anyone comes for me about being so ungrateful - please don’t bother.

Some pre schools close at 1, but many do 8.30/9 to 3/3.30 aligned with school hours

The father should be paying child support, surely? I realise that this doesn't mean he actually is paying, but can you put pressure on him to provide more for his child?

Are you actually on the Councils housing register? Occasionally those with lower /non priority bands are offered ‘affordable rent’ places.

She has a father who lives nearby though. As far as I'm aware you can't just move a child hundreds of miles away from their parent.

Could you get a mortgage for a property outside of London? East Kent is worth looking at, there are decent schools and relatively affordable houses. Maidstone has a couple of train stations if you need to commute, or Ashford, Faversham and Folkestone are on the high speed link. Essex is also possible but tends to be pricier. Definitely worth having a browse on Rightmove if you could afford £175k+.

it sounds like your support network of your parents is actually not that supportive in terms of providing help.

with WFH, if thats a permanent thing, I’d probably look to move out of London but still within a distance that is fairly close to your parents or whoever you have as support

I think for the sake of your mental heath moving out wiuld be a good move

Yes but that conversation can be had, it doesn’t have to be a blanket no. And my friends have been more of a support network than my family ever has. Family does not equal support for many people.

thanks everyone for your help.

just to mention for those who have raised the questions - going full time is on the to do list. However, I can’t just magic up hours and jobs in my firm. I’ve worked here for 11 years and I won’t leave with the current job market.

it’s been discussed and agreed that I can increase my days to 4 in 2027 and then move to full time when a position becomes available.

will definitely look at shared ownership outside of London.

and also for those who raised the questions - yes I do pay rent I don’t live with parents for ‘free’ I currently pay £400 in rent to my parents.

thanks for all the suggestions regarding preschool I will look into this. Regarding the comment as to nursery fees - my nursey have a fee sheet which explains how it is broken down and how the funding is stretched over 50 hours. I doubt the nursery is doing a ‘dodgy’ but nonetheless will look at preschool.

thanks again

Oh I'd absolutely move out of London, OP.
I was you, many years ago.
Do not tie yourself to nursery or any patterns or habits that are holding you now. We get attached to things and ideas because they buoy us in desperate times. But take the risk! There are really lovely areas outside of London. And much more peaceful and enjoyable ones. Don't be afraid to stretch beyond your comfort zone. Schools can be much nicer outside of London as well.
It's hard, I know because dad is probably close by. I stayed in London because dad was close by. But then he fucked off and travelled the world then moved back... to Liverpool. Now he lives in Thailand. Our son is 24 now so it doesn't matter. And yes, his dad is still a dear friend to me. We are on good terms but... the reality is, mums carry everything. Dads get the easy end of things in a split. So yes, you can nurture and support the relationship between father and daughter, but not at the expense of your financial and emotional wellbeing and decisions.

Just read your update about work. As a single parent myself, that is the one thing I would prioritise, keeping your job at your current firm. That kind of changes everything. The job market is a little bit scary.
Still, you could commute if you move out (that's another expense but still, cheaper than renting in London). It's so hard... I wish we single mums could have a cloning device. You're trying to be all things: breadwinner, mother, daughter, friend, ex-wife/co-parent... it's tough.

It would make a massive difference in terns if housing costs and still commutable (but, as she works from home, i suppose that is irrelevant) and be able to see her family/ friends easily etc. .

Do you mean the hours are stretched over 50 weeks? That is then 22 hours per week. How many hours does she do per week? They cannot claim more hours than she is doing.

I've read most of the suggestions I had already but I'd add:

Does your parents' home offer an opportunity for an extension, loft conversion, granny annexe type of situation? Just thinking that the issue is being on top of each other, maybe there's a way to carve out a little distance and independence in the same house more like a lodger?

Are you in any single parent networks or groups local to you?

It sounds like moving out of London would be good for you financially longer term but I recognise the financial challenge for you to do that now. Have you discussed any sort of timeline with your parents?

A friend of mine ended up living with her parents and baby after escaping a bad relationship. I can't see her wanting to leave as they're all fairly co-dependent. It's kind of the opposite of you because they're not winding her up. I worry that she's got so comfortable that she'll never move out again and won't ever get to experience the independence, social life and career opportunities that could open up if she wasn't stuck on staying with them.

It's not the end of the world to move a child who's in primary school, it gets harder the older they get and the deeper their roots grow in that community.

Most full time nurseries will only allow you to take 6 free hours a day so you are paying for the additional hours that day even if it doesn’t add up to 30 hours.

if you are doing 3 days a week could you do 3 day per week hours over 4 days so if you moved to a pre school this would Be less impactful on wrap around care? You would still need parents for holidays…

She's getting accomodation and free childcare one day a week. Seems pretty supportive to me

How much are you currently putting into savings each month OP? Or is the 50k purely from the house sale?

Not an issue. Reasons I won't go into on here meant moving far away was desirable.

I empathise with you OP as I am in a similar boat employment wise. My kids are older though.
I can understand not wanting to leave your network but if you are going to move at some point/ever want to own your own place, when DC start school is a great time to do it & to build a new network.
As an introvert I didn’t make many friends in the baby/pre-school years, but from primary my kids made friends and I soon had a network /play dates/reciprocal childcare arrangements.

If you could build that within a fairly commutable distance, you and DD could still train into London on weekends and see old friends and family.

I only say this as now I feel trapped because I don’t want to uproot my DC’s network of friends, I’d like to move somewhere cheaper but worry they’d really feel the loss of friends. But your daughter has all this to come so worth thinking about in the next few years,
. It’s rubbish though so many can’t afford to be where family are and they’ve grown up

If your on low paid wage you would get help with the rent? Look at the entitled to calculator. Having said that the 50k you have could effect it. I think the entitled to calculator would tell you.

This!
can’t believe how you messed up with thinking your child would be starting school when she was 5. You really need to be more aware.

What sort of support network do you have currently? Your parents aren’t helping with childcare.

while you are living in a cheaper home, I’d take the jump to full time and pay the extra for nursery. Then when your child is older, you should be higher up the career ladder

You work for your local authority, so will be in a position to find out about social housing. Have you looked into being "made homeless" by your parents and applying for homeless accommodation? This is a desperate and a very hard route. It entails accepting whatever temporary accommodation you are offered, which might be ghastly. Eventually, however, you would be likely to be offered Council or Housing Trust accommodation. Ask the CAB for their view on this, or go straight to the horse's mouth on all thing housing-related, which is SHELTER. They have an office in/near Kings Cross where you can apply to be seen face to face.

I have to say that Shared Ownership schemes are to be avoided if you can. They are a bit of a trap. Especially for leasehold flats in high-rises (avoid).
Are you an only child? Are your parents likely to leave their entire assets to you? In which case, it might be worth sinking your savings into extending their property or turning it into two flats - given their approval and acquiescence, of course.

But they are doing childcare if they have her one day a week? Or is it her paternal grandparents providing this?

Op certainly won't get help with rent when she has 50k in savings. That amount of savings would completely rule her out of any means tested benefits. The savings threshold for UC is 16k.

Well youve gotten loads of advice but the best ive seen is getting a shared ownership place and then using the uc to pay the rent portion - didnt even know that was an option!

All the best op. But I will say - go on the council waiting list. Just go on it anyway as it can't hurt