Single mum living with parents in London, stuck for housing options

[Prinnypeach]

More looking for guidance on this one from any single parents who have been through this.

separated from DDs father when she was only 2 months as he left me for another woman after 10 years together. was in the trenches with being a single parent and on mat leave so agreed to sell house.

moved back in with my parents and DD. Lovely and appreciative and all was well. DD getting older - now 3 - and I’m struggling with parenting whilst being parented by my own parents. In some ways you could say I do turn back into the sulky teen I once was. Parents are retired so home a lot, I work from home, all just on top of one another, have never had a particularly good relationship with my dad, we argue a lot and I don’t like DD seeing it all.

feel my options are limited with moving back out. I work part time 3 days a week, my firm can’t increase my days, and if I did I’d pay even more for nursery and would actually be worse off.

salary is low even if I did go back full time - would take 2k a month which is better than some of course but I live in London where most rent is 2k plus. No chance on the housing register, I work for the council and it’s just impossible to get somewhere. Have got 50k in savings from selling the house so not entitled to any UC

cant get a mortgage as salary too low - looked at shared ownership but that puts me into financial difficulty after a couple of years when the savings run out as I would use the rest of my savings to top up my salary and pay bills etc.
renting also isn’t an option for me just due to low salary and do want to have something in my name at least. also to mention I previously rented for years before meeting DDs father and getting in place together which we wasn’t in for very long hence not walking away with as much as I’d usually like.

feel so stuck, want to give DD somewhat of a normal life. My sanity is compromised when I live with my parents and I love them dearly, and I truly truly appreciate them and everything they have done for me. However, I’m 32 - me ans DD are not getting any younger and I want to parent and live how I want to - there is a reason I moved out at the young age of 20 originally.

have looked at earning more money - doing a uni course etc but I’ll be no better off starting at the bottom of a job and working my way up over the next few years. Have also thought about moving further out but DDs nursery is here, she won’t start school until nearly 6 due to birthday being end of Nov. Also would struggle to be away from friends and family if I move out and think I would feel pretty lonely.

i just feel I have no options. Has anyone else been in this situation and if so, how did you do it?

and before anyone comes for me about being so ungrateful - please don’t bother.

If you do move, make sure you consider catchment areas and timings. I think school applications have to be submitted in January (someone will correct me if I'm wrong, I'm sure). You'll need to have evidence to show that you live at the address that you're using for the application - bills etc.

We moved from the SE of England to Wales, mainly because of house prices and wanting a different pace of life. We moved to a little seaside town, lovely place to raise a child and so much more affordable. I didn't know a soul and DH worked away all week - I made friends at the children's school and 25 years later, feel very much part of the community. If I were you, I'd take the plunge and move away somewhere cheaper, you'll have to make the effort to make friends and get to know people but it is so worth it! I can't imagine living anywhere else now.

Your parents are retired, so you can move her to the pre-school at school, which will be cheaper and she will attend 9am-3pm. Check if they have a breakfast club or ask your parent to take her to school and bring her back if you are working. I don't understand why they would refuse this (no logical reason that I can think of other than pure malice).
Also, my son turned 4 in June and started Reception in September that same year, so something is wrong with your school age calculation.

Your dd will start school-reception- when's she's 4, turning 5 in the November. You need to apply this year (well by the end of Jan) for school September 2027.

Move out of London, you can't afford to stay there. There are plenty of cheaper areas around the Uk you can move to. Now is better before your dd starts school.

Yes you are all right sorry lol. The receptionist at the school told me incorrectly and I have been running with this information for some time now. Thank god I posted otherwise I’d of continued to wait an extra year! although I should have clocked when I put the info into the calculator, but I was going off the school info! Oops.

thanks for your suggestions re pre school - I will look into this and quite frankly I didn’t really know this was an option as I was told from friends that you have to pick them up at 1pm which just wouldn’t work for me.

yes parents won’t help me anymore than one day a week. DD’s father is involved but only helps on weekends.

No chance on the housing register, I work for the council and it’s just impossible to get somewhere.

But is it worth trying to get on a waiting list, or are they closed?

I'm sorry your ex did such a terrible thing to you when you'd just given birth

I was in a similar situation and moved to the SW. a decade later and it's been a colossal nightmare with house prices going up and the most shittest salaries I ever did see. Not to mention the constant onslaught of redundancies and a barely existent job market.

My situation is slightly different because I am actually from Cornwall. And was stupid enough to fall for the outdoorsy lifestyle again. I'm looking at Exeter but the salaries there are equally as bad. I don't really know where to go with my teens (and their Dad has to agree) but as a family we need a better, more interesting life with financial security

Move out of London but be so careful about where you choose 💐

One day a week childcare from your parents plus a home is quite a lot. I wouldn't frame it as "they won't help me".

Do you pay rent to parents?

That's what I did but it might be difficult for the OP to get a job elsewhere. I was a teacher, there are teachers all over the world.

OP if you want to change your situation, you need to first become a bit better informed about school timelines and childcare options. From what you have posted here, I'm not convinced you have the full picture. You have a free home now, your daughter starts school in about a year and you have options of free pre-school. You need to get a full time job, pay for extra childcare if needed (it will be worth it in the long run) and save like mad so you can buy on your own. The time to save is now when free housing and some free childcare is available from your parents. If your ex looks after her on weekends, you can work then. There is more you can do to help your situation.

I also think a full time job may be needed.

I wouldn't move out of parents' home if I were you.

It's not ideal but I can't at this stage see how you could afford renting somewhere, no matter how cheap an area you move to. You'd be mad to move out of London IMO. Presumably you are not paying your parents a market rent.

As others have said, you need to increase your earnings and maybe aim to not WFH to make day to day life less stressful.

Glad you posted!! Luckily the nursery would have picked up on this too.

Where is her father? Is he also in London?

This.

People casually going "just move to Yorkshire / Scotland / Timbuctoo" are the same people who, when the OP has an emergency years down the line and comes on here to post about her struggles with childcare / having no family nearby, will be replying "well this is what happens when you move hundreds of miles away from your support network" 😂

Of course a 32 year old single mum isn't going to move from London to Yorkshire on her own (and I say that as someone who lives in Yorkshire!!).
Yes she'd be able to buy a house but she and daughter will barely see her family and friends?! And what about work??

What do you see as the solution? I see only three options:
Move away which is tough, I agree
Work full time.
Stay as she is and put up with dad for a few years.

OP I’m assuming your parents can’t help you with buying a property?

Actually I did exactly that as I mentioned above. I did say it was relatively easy for me to get a job in another area but I moved knowing not a single person and was able to buy a house*. I've been here nearly 40 years.

*OP says she sold the marital home so I expect she has some money saved from that. If not she needs to take advantage of her current situation, which is easier than mine, and get a full-time job and save.

If she stays with her dad on the weekends then it could be quite complicated to move far away. He would have to agree to the move basically and you might be the one who have to facilitate access for him to continue seeing her the same amount as he is now. How close do you live to each other now?

And what about the child seeing her dad?

OP I was a lone parent in exactly the same situation. I would consider looking for full time jobs with other councils/companies in areas surrounding London perhaps. I moved my DD around 3 out of London and to a small Oxfordshire town. I rented for a bit (sooo much cheaper than London) saved money then bought a house. Honestly, it’s the job you need to fix first I would say.

Support networks can be built.
Plenty of people (including single parents) move hundreds or thousands of miles away all the time.
New friends can be made.
Jobs exist outside of London.

You can't be claiming 30 hours a week for 2 days. That would be 15 hour days in nursery. Even if on stretch funding (so 30 hours used across whole year rather than termtime only) it would be 11 hour nursery days? We only needed 2 days but had to send DD 3 days to get the 30 hours funding even on stretch funding.

If you are, the nursery is doing a dodgy. And that would explain the dramatic fee increase when you increase the days.

What the school may have meant is that compulsory schooling only starts the September after they turn 5. But they start Reception (which is not legally compulsory but is massively beneficial) the September after they turn 4. My DD1 is September born, she started at 4 years 11 months old. My DD2 is May, she started reception at 4 years and 4 months old.

I don’t think people are talking solely about private rent. She has £50k saved so it’s probably more realistic to look at shared ownership 2 beds outside of London - but hopefully some kind of ideal sweet spot that doesn’t feel too isolated.

If you’re not in Londonor commuter belt, surely you could get a basic, 2 bed shared ownership for £200k ish? Her 50k would be her 25% ownership and 75% would be rent to the Housing Association. (Sure there are some costs I haven’t factored like stamp duty and solicitors but they’re not huge and hopefully the Op could save that in the few months I would take to buy?)

Her daughter’s childcare shouldn’t be costly. She’s 3 so old enough for pre-school, and the OP works from home (part time) and will be at school in 18 months. So that’s a saving of £255 a month in nursery fees off the bat.

The OP doesn’t want to depend on the £450 child maintenance she gets from her child’s father. She should. Yes things can change but also there is a UC safety net - which she would be eligible for in SA towards rent I think if it came to it for a short period - and also jobs situations can be fluid. The OP should aim to be working full time by the time her daughter starts school.

This is all quite doable, surely.

As for moving away from the support system. I live in London so I’m biased but the majority of people I know don’t live near family. It’s perfectly doable - most people I know have done it. But yes she probably doesn’t want to live in the complete middle of nowhere without a support system, but I don’t see why cheaper parts of Kent, or the Midlands aren’t doable. The child’s father will just have to add an extra few hours on to visit. Really there is no alternative. The OP can’t live with her parents for the rest of her life.

The thing to do would be to start looking for SA or cheap-ish flats now so that she could be settled by school applications early next year.

Moving to a town you don’t know is challenging yes.

i did it after my divorce. Didn’t know anyone and I’m disabled.

it’s not fun, at least for the first year or so as you need to go out and meet people and build a suppprt network.

if you don’t want to do it you don’t have to. You do have the choice of staying with your parents. But it is an option.