Does being a mum mean worrying forever?

[mcrlover]

DD (baby) is at the end of recovering from a sick bug, and it has been such a stressful few days. Finally she's asleep and I have so much residual stess. She started nursery a few months ago so is still catching everything. I am finding it so stressful and anxiety-inducing. Feels like I'm in a constant stress loop that she's healthy and safe.

Is being a mum this stressful all the time (YANBU) or does the stress and worry get better (YABU)?

I don't have kids myself but my Mum said having kids made her a full time worrier. She probably worries about my brother more than me, he lives alone, has learning difficulties and is very trusting whereas she knows my husband will always take care of me.

I am child free by choice but the phrase “you’re only as happy as your least happy child” always reminds me I made the right decision.

Yes. It is.

I actually think it gets worse sorry - at least when they are little you are mostly in control of their physical and emotional safety, but that starts to change with the teenage years.

I recently felt a bit down when I realized that I had indeed signed myself up to a life of worry. So I'm going to focus on how to move forward and live with that (and manage my worry levels as best I can).

Yes definitely. I have adult children and it doesn't stop.

It helps to find ways to manage your anxiety. Mindfulness, deep breathing, reframing, yoga or exercise, hobbies, friends etc all help the nervous system deal with stress and anxiety better.

Yes it does.

The worry we feel for our kids is unreal. And particularly the first time you go through certain things with them, like sick bugs, bullying, any of the myriad issues they have - it is worse as it’s unfamiliar.

But worry is a state of mind and whether it’s about kids or not, it’s within our power to work with how we think and I don’t think worry is inevitable. If we intend not to allow our mind not to do it, and we practice. Meditation helps.

As we can see around us, some are ‘worriers’ more than others, indicating that worry is in the eye of the beholder, so to speak. It’s great you recognise the stress you are feeling. I think with kids it’s great to accept as much as we can that there is so little we can control. Worrying doesn’t change things, but makes you feel worse and less able to cope with whatever the new challenge is that is arising. We just have to try our best to guide them in a consistent and loving way, and accept that what will be will be.

I do have children, grown adults now, and this is absolutely true.

You just find different things to worry about, I think. It's not always high stress, but there's always at least something on your mind!

This is so true!

I have 3 adult children and yes, you do worry forever, and yes, that old saying (you’re only as happy as your unhappiest child) is very true. That notwithstanding, I count myself very lucky to have them!

Yes, afraid so. I read that once you have a child, you have to live with your heart outside your body 🖤

It becomes different as they get older but I find the worries are more manageable when your children become teachable, less vulnerable and risks are easier to mitigate. Those early months of the feeling that they are so dependent on you and that so many things could harm them were terrifying for me. But It does get better.

Yep.

The worries change, but now part of your heart is outside of your body and control...

Hmm yes and no. When they're so little, even a bad cold seems horrible. I find as my DS grows my worries are less visceral, I'm not worried about his actual survival/will he stop breathing in the night.

Your happiness is directly related to theirs of course but bar any major long term health issues, it's not all quite so...dramatic? Or unmanageable? I can't find the right word.

I believe so

Good, important thread, OP.
As a PP said: "You're only as happy as your least happy child." I've got young teens, one of whom has SEND, one of whom is having a much easier time of things. They both give me a lot to worry about, yet I'm one of the most pragmatic, laid back people I know. I've resigned myself to worrying now.

Yes, you worry forever. I worry most about my eldest, now early 30s, who has never been the same since the Australian bushfires in 2019 (firefighter). What he experienced was horrendous. My heart breaks watching what PTSD has done to him and knowing that there is nothing I can do to help which is your first instinct as a mum. Knowing other people have it much worse doesn’t help either.

Yep.

It gets better as they get older, but I still worry about my mid 20s babies.

Making the decision to have a child – it’s momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body.”
– Elizabeth Stone

Only when they are unhappy or unwell, but generally I still do worry about my Dult DC on occasion.

Yes. I’m the youngest of a large family, but I’ve been gone from home for decades and my mother is elderly now. She told me once that every morning in that time between sleep and full consciousness she thinks she hears one of us calling to her and jumps out of bed worried we’re unwell.

Yes.

It’s not always this intensely stressful forever but yes you do worry about them forever. I have two at Uni. Recently we had one not sure if they wanted to carry on with their course and the other one heartbroken having just broken up with a partner. However they’ve now both settled down and I think we’ve just had a full week of not worrying, apart from the standard worrying when you wake up at 6am and they’re not home or they’re driving 3 hours each way for the weekend and you breathe a sigh of relief when they arrive safely.

The worry is forever, but make sure it's not tipping over into actual anxiety and seek treatment for that if so.