Would I be unreasonable if partner’s ex attends his mum’s funeral?

[CuteCandle]

More of a what would you do than an am I being unreasonable -

this is a hypothetical situation as my partners mum hasn’t passed yet, but she is elderly so likely will in the next few years. I have been with my partner 3 years. He has an ex who he was with for 20 years, separated 5 years ago, no kids together. I have only met his mum twice as she lives 4 hours away from us and me and my partner don’t live together so I don’t always see her when she visits him. He is still in touch with his ex as they own a holiday home together and have mutual friends. I have never met here and he gives the impression he would feel awkward if we did meet. His mum is still in touch with the ex, she went to a recent birthday party of the mum. I presume ex wll want to go to his mums funeral when she passes, I don’t mind not going as we’re not close but would want to support my partner so not sure what I should do when the time comes?

Your thread title makes no sense. How would the ex-partner going to a funeral of someone (WHO ISN'T DEAD YET) make you unreasonable? 🤪

And what a weird thing to give any thought to.

Sounds like your barely know this still-alive woman, so maybe you won’t be wanted there by your partner anyway?

I mean, it's bizarre that you're even thinking about this to be honest! I would say it's to be expected that your partner's ex will attend his mother's funeral as they have known each other a long time and are still close. As to whether you attend as well, I would take your lead from your partner if he wants you there for support or not.

Why on earth would it be awkward. When the time comes, put on your big girl pants and focus on your partners wellbeing.

She may outlive your relationship,who knows🤷‍♀️

You all go. Celebrate his mum and say good bye.

Refusing to go if she does is a great way of bringing drama into someone else’s grief.

You don’t even know if you will still be together then!

This man is essentially your boyfriend right? You don’t live together? I wouldn’t worry about it to be honest you may not be together by the time this is an issue 🫤

I don't understand what you're asking. Of course his ex will go, I went to my ex's parents' funerals as I had known and liked them for years. And of course you will go, as you are his partner. What's the actual question?

What a weird thing to think. The ex goes. You go. And you are both adults and are civil to each other. It’s not difficult. And you’re the newbie here!

Fuck sake! His mum could live for years to come, what a horrible thing to be thinking about!

grow up.

I think you should both go.

My mother-in-law died at the beginning of the Covid pandemic and my husband’s ex-wife didn’t feel able to travel the distances involved. In other circumstances she would certainly have attended.

I had been married to my husband for 30 years by then, and had a very good relationship with my MIL. I had no problem that she remained in close contact with my husband’s ex-wife. There was never any awkwardness between us and ex-wife came to our wedding.

This sums it up perfectly.
When my mum died, her ex husband and his DD attended as well as obviously her current husband. We’re all adults and no issues. A nod here and there, “nice to see you” in passing and we all go home 🤷🏼‍♀️

In fact I lost my grandad and his “celebration” as we called it was this weekend just gone. My mums widow was there with his new wife. It was still his FIL and she was there to support him. No issues, all had a drink and a chat, wished them well, and that was that

Being a grown up and acting like one is much under rated.

You go and you suck it up.

My ex’s dad died a few years ago, had known him 30 odd years , had children together.

Ex’s new wife had a strop because I was going, my mil stood up for me .

Ex’s wife is also now an ex.

situation is still mentioned! I was there for my children and my Fil and mil .

No, OP, obviously you ruminate about this for the rest of this unfortunate woman's life, choose the moment when your partner is grieving his recently-deceased mother to say you are forbidding his ex from attending her funeral, and can your partner arrange to have a bouncer on the church/crematorium door in case she tries to sneak in anyway, and you make sure you're sitting right at the front, with your partner's hand clamped in yours, dressed all in black with a hat veil. 🙄

If someone has had a 20 year relationship there will be occurrences like this. I attended my exh’s grandparents’ funerals, his then gf wasn’t happy I was there but she had met them precisely twice, I’d known them for 27 years! You don’t stop caring about people because you have separated either. I will be attending by ex’s too, and so will my dh and my parents (end of life) so this topic is pretty close to me right now

Blimey, this is a bonkers post. I’m the mother of adult kids, one of whom has an ex-wife, and I can assure you that if I thought my either of my current daughters-in-law were thinking about attendees at my funeral (which could be next week or could be 20 years away), I’d be suggesting to my son that they’d made a bloody odd choice of partner.

What a strange thing to be thinking about.

Is she even ill??

OP has not returned. I wonder where she could be.

Why do you think that you two can’t be in the same room at an event that’s not about either of you? Very very bizarre!

If it comes to it, it's just a situation where everyone has to be proper grown ups and on best behaviour for 3 hours.

This is mad, why worry about this now?!

I’d go you if you wanted to even if it was just to support your husband. It’s reasonable that the ex would be there, it’s just one day.

i'm not sure what your voting options mean.

But you would be unreasonable to try in any way at all to stop your partner's ex going to the funeral, no matter how vague your hinting may be.

You can decide for yourself if you want to go, but your "MIL" has a friendly relationship with the ex. It would be overstepping to be anything other than welcoming.