Overreacting or not? 🤔

[silverstorm101]

Okay so I'm not sure if I'm just being silly or my feelings are justified so I'm sure you will all tell me!

For mother's day this year, I asked my hubby for a bunch of daffodils and any drawings or cards the kids wanted to do or make. We are saving up for a big family holiday so didn't want money spent on needless things and I love daffodils as they brighten up any room and can be found in Lidl for like £1.

Mothers day comes round and the kids come over with wrapped gifts, okay, maybe they wanted to get me a little something, sweet of them.

I got the usual pictures and hand made cards which I love. Then hubby walks in with a massive bunch of lily's, the price tag of £25 still on them. Don't get me wrong they are pretty but I dislike the smell but I get the gesture was nice.

I open the gifts that have been presented to me, first one is a bath set. I love a bath bomb which is well known but this was a 'Christmas Cinnamon' set. I hate the smell of cinnamon and it was obviously marked down with it being March. I'm not upset about it being a bargain but it's a smelly I've always hated. Anyway I smile and move on. The last gift hubby is really smug about, he says "do you remember when we went for that afternoon tea a while ago and you loved those strawberry macarons?"

Which I do of course remember, they were lovely but also very expensive. So I open the gifts to find a large box of macarons, bright yellow ones, I open the box and the smell of lemon instantly hits me. I do not like lemon flavour.

I say "Oh are these lemon!" To which he replies "I dunno I just asked for a box"

So I asked for a £1 bunch of flowers and instead he spent a lot of money we didn't have on things he should know I don't like?

I was a bit miffed and he obviously noticed and said he tried. We have been married 20 years.

So am I justified in being a bit upset?

Or do I need to grow up?

YABU!

YABVU

I think your being pretty unreasonable to be honest, okay he got the flavour wrong but he was being thoughtful and remembered something you liked!

I think YANBU 👍
He spent needless money on flowers, when you'd specifically asked him not to. And after 20 years, his knowledge of your likes and dislikes is not as good as it could be.

Jesus, how to piss all over his and the kid's bonfire. "I don't like cinnamon, I don't like lemon". You sound like a brat.

You will be back here in 5 years moaning that they don't do anything for Mother's Day, even though it was down to you for making it so unpleasant.

To be honest, yeah I’d be pissed off.

And I wonder is this is building up to him not bothering in future with Mothers Day, birthdays, Christmas gifts, etc, in future because “I can’t do anything right in your eyes”.

I cannot stand the smell of cinnamon so I may be more angry than necessary on your behalf!

Yes but when she said she only wanted a £1 bunch of daffs he might have thought it was one of those situations where someone, when asked what they want for Christmas/ birthday, will say "Oh don't get me anything" but will then be a bit hurt of taken at their word. He presumably thought she was being a bit self-sacrificing and undemanding and would actually really like the extra effort.

And as for not knowing her likes and dislikes after 20 years, maybe there are so many it's hard to keep track - lilies, cinnamon, lemons just for starters.

I'd be pissed off. If you don't like either and it is well known, he's just been piss poor and thrown money at it rather than thought it through.

YANBU
Instead of thought and consideration he just spent money
I would be pissed off as well

Whether you're justified or not depends on the background really. Was this a last straw sort of situation where you constantly feel your DH doesn't listen to you? Or was it a genuine, heart-in-the-right-place fuck up from someone who really cares about you?

It’s not the fact that the gift you asked for is small in price….its you're approval comes at a heavy price it seems.

You were bought flowers, bath bits and expensive sweet treats. No they aren’t exactly what you would want….and? Most people don’t get exactly what they want for Mother’s Day, birthdays etc. Not every year anyway.

You have built up way too much significance to material gifts. Stop making this about him not understanding you and see it as man, trying to do the best he can, to make the day special. No it’s not great, but I bet you can’t guarantee you give him the perfect Father’s Day either.

I seriously don’t get people who put so much pressure on gifts for Mother’s Day. It’s setting yourself up for a fall.

Jesus are we still being ungrateful princesses about Mother’s Day? I found these threads depressing at the time…

Surely he has some idea what his wife of 20 years likes and dislikes?! And the one simple little thing that she specifically asked for, he didn't get. Jesus, it's not that difficult!

OP you are not being unreasonable!

I’d be pissed off. It’s as though he’s bought the first things that came into his head without any care for your preferences. It’s careless and pointless.
In your place I’d feel like he doesn’t even know me or care to know me and it’s hurtful.

yanbu he did the bare minimum

Are we supposed to be grateful for something we didn't want instead of the thing we DID want and very clearly said so now just because at least we got something?
Thats a low bar

It's the fact he didn't listen to you OP that is the upsetting part.
And actually chimes with the gifts being things you specifically did not like and which, if he normally listened to you or took notice of you, he should have known

So yes you are justified in being upset because he went through the performative gesture of Mother's Day without bothering to give a caring and appropriate gift.
And given that what you actually told him you wanted should have been so easy to get it makes it even more insulting.

I find these things very hard. It’s hard to be grateful when gift after gift reminds you of how someone doesn’t know how to be thoughtful about your likes and preferences. Yet he/they have been thoughtful enough in trying to get it right! I can see it from his pov in that way. It depends how you have reacted, I think it’s ok to say I really appreciate the effort you’ve gone to, it’s just the flavours are not my cup of tea. And move on.

I thought we were done with the Mother's Day moaning threads but you slipped one in on the sly, you little rascal OP 😉👏

Think yourself grateful you got something.

Lots of us mums didn’t.

This reminds me of when I was younger & my dad trying to make a nice gesture for my mum by getting her a box of matchmakers. Instead of getting the mint that she always had, he got her the orange instead. She went mental! 😂

YANBU - it's not the thought that counts if there was no thought. He just spent money. Anyone can do that.

Your marriage is in trouble. This is a symptom of that as if it were a good marriage you would not have been enraged by the Mother’s Day gifts he got you or the fact he spent almost £50. The lemon macaroons are a red herring, the real question is why do you suspect he was passive aggressively trying to disappoint you? Where are these feelings coming from? There must be background to this.

I get what you mean, kind of

Its seems as though the image of the gesture was given more thought than what you'd actually want or like

But you have to let it go - you'll just come off badly

Separately - Ime people who love the image of a gesture tend to be really kind outside but a terror to live with 😕

Yanbu.
You explicitly said what you would appreciate and he ignored it and bought stuff you have no interest in and actually dislike because even after 20 years he hasn't a clue.

If he actually cared about what you wanted and listened to you, this could have been all avoided.
He didn't.