Husband’s female colleague’s issue being taken very seriously.

[Sweetmarzipan]

So background. DH works in a fairly male dominated industry.

When he first started in this company he would be away fairly often. One or two nights away every 4/6 weeks. One week in April and the odd conference.

I almost always went with him if I could for no other reason than the free hotel. If there were other colleagues they would have have their spouses with them as well. We became friends with many of them and still socialise. Irrelevant to my post but we always had separate bills and we never exploited expenses and we never saw other colleagues do this either but obviously the room was the same price regardless of occupancy.

Covid came along and other ways of doing things came about so audits etc were done remotely and these trips are now few and far between.

Last week I did join him for the first time in probably 6 months. He was leaving the centre with a male colleague in his fifties and a female colleague (mid thirties but I don’t know if anyone will find ages relevant) who had joined the company around three to six months ago (DH and colleague differ on the dates).

As they left to check into hotel the female colleague asked if they were eating, but they said that they had their wives with them and the male colleague said that she was welcome to join them but she declined. We had booked a pub meal on our own.

They were all together on Friday but over the weekend she has made a complaint suggesting that I and the other colleague’s wife had deliberately tagged along as they believed she would be unprofessional and inappropriate.

An email has now gone out saying that spouses are no longer able to tag along.

Colleague was spoken to face to face and the bosses did seem apologetic. DH was on a site and saw the email and was phoned by one of the directors again with apologies.

Surely she should have been told about the culture of the company. I am really gobsmacked. Two other wives have texted me this morning and they feel the same. We had a really nice lifestyle there which is bound to have created a nice work environment.

Why was it inappropriate? Genuinely, seems like they just go to spend the evening with their spouses and their colleagues spouses, it’s out of work time, they cover their own tabs etc…. I’ve met up with friends if they are in my city for work, even hung out in their hotel room & ordered room service (covered my own tab)

Am I missing something? As a few people have said it’s inappropriate

I'd be with you on the potential challenges of working in a team of older men - if she hadn't complained specifically about the wives. If her grounds for complaint were as retold to OP, then she is 'playing corporate totty'. If it was more about lacking opportunity to socialise with the team, she should have said she was disappointed the men didn't want a group evening instead of moaning that the wives were there.

So she either sees herself as a temptation being warded off by jealous wives, or she's extremely bad at making a reasonable point with clarity. She doesn't get my vote.

But then they are attending as a carer, not a +1.

Again - if these work trips are not special work events where socializing is expected after the end of the work day, how is it different going up to your room to spend the rest of your day with your spouse/family and going home to your own house and doing the same thing.

You do your 9-5 and then the rest of the day is yours to do what you want.

Some people have clearly only been on work trip where networking or evening events / planning is required.

For those who are simply working away from the home base on a regular basis there is absolutely no need to involved colleagues in your evenings.

This! So the company are now saying that “like it or not you’ll socialise”??
unless I got paid 24/7 for the whole trip, that’s a no!
are the going to enforce the topic of conversation as well?

I personally think that it is completely unprofessional. I've only ever done this if i was away for work on my own without other colleagues.

Yet, equally, some on here seem to have a problem with workers wanting to spend their evenings and nights with their spouses/partners, suggesting that these S/Ps are somehow jealous and controlling, (Stepford Wives FFS?) which to me seems just as ridiculous. As usual, women putting other women down. Thus it ever was.

Most men are misogynists - but it takes a woman to perfect it ..

in my experience.

Well she's not exactly ensuring that any colleagues want to sit with her in future is she? I hope you can still all meet up, albeit not on official work trips.

I used to do this sometimes but not for a couple of decades to be honest.

I’ve done my own work trips more recently and they had scheduled evening activities - eg conferences or similar. Spouses would not have been welcome.

ExH worked in financial services (still does) and I think it’s a lot less acceptable now.

Next email.

All staff must spend dinner and at least 1 hour at the bar together.

Next email.

All staff will share bunks.

😂😂

And I e never worked anywhere where extra marital affairs are a thing. Maybe 20 years ago but it is seen as totally unethical in the post me too days. It would be a minimum of a written warning if you were caught where I work. But then I can’t imagine who would want to. These are work colleagues. It isn’t a night club.

Outside of working hours and thus paid hours employees should be free to choose what they would like to do. She sounds dry, miserable and won’t have made
any positive working relationships here

All staff must hold am/pm trust circles to share their hopes and fears for each day, and how they can continue to help the company progress as one!

I mean we have very little to go on from the OP but it does sound surprising that a woman in a male field, who appears to be doing as well as men 20 years older than her, actually said 'their wives have just tagged along because they think I want to shag their husbands'. Who knows, but it doesn't sound like a successful 30 woman something at work type of thing to say! To me it sounds more like something that the company boss who's handling this quite badly might say.

but if she had no designs on the collegues then why didnt she go out for dinner with them ?

This is a reasonable adjustment not a perk.

???? That’s what colleagues do? Can you not spend time in male company without thinking about sex?

Just read it, thanks. It says what we've all assumed and what OP described - no tax involvement if spouse covers own costs and all is meticulously itemised.

Because it’s really not nice being on your own and going out for a meal with a couple, unless you know both extremely well?

WTF happened to "No is a complete answer ?"

One person's "happy community" is another person's unfriendly and unwelcoming clique.

She clearly was excluded if her colleagues had all made plans ahead of time to have dinner without her. Presumably she didn't join because she knew she wouldn't have been welcome?

I doubt whatever her complaint was has been accurately represented in the retelling.

The real misogynist here is the woman suggesting the only reason wives might want to travel somewhere new with their DH/ meet up with other wives or his colleagues socially/ after hours is because they are scared their husband will be chasing the new female colleague.

Wives are women too ...

@Sweetmarzipan my view may not be popular on this one but whilst it may seem that your husband's female colleague being a bit paranoid or reacting OTT, it could be that your husband's female colleague knows something you don't (I hope it's not this) or something has happened to lead her to be suspicious and it may not be suspicions about you/their wives but of men in the company). It's going to be difficult to meet her again but I recommend you try to be friendly (or at least approachable) if you do meet her again to get to know her better and see if you can gently coax her into revealing what events led to her feeling suspicious. And I would be tempted to ask my husband some more questions if I experienced this

excatly