Husband’s female colleague’s issue being taken very seriously.

[Sweetmarzipan]

So background. DH works in a fairly male dominated industry.

When he first started in this company he would be away fairly often. One or two nights away every 4/6 weeks. One week in April and the odd conference.

I almost always went with him if I could for no other reason than the free hotel. If there were other colleagues they would have have their spouses with them as well. We became friends with many of them and still socialise. Irrelevant to my post but we always had separate bills and we never exploited expenses and we never saw other colleagues do this either but obviously the room was the same price regardless of occupancy.

Covid came along and other ways of doing things came about so audits etc were done remotely and these trips are now few and far between.

Last week I did join him for the first time in probably 6 months. He was leaving the centre with a male colleague in his fifties and a female colleague (mid thirties but I don’t know if anyone will find ages relevant) who had joined the company around three to six months ago (DH and colleague differ on the dates).

As they left to check into hotel the female colleague asked if they were eating, but they said that they had their wives with them and the male colleague said that she was welcome to join them but she declined. We had booked a pub meal on our own.

They were all together on Friday but over the weekend she has made a complaint suggesting that I and the other colleague’s wife had deliberately tagged along as they believed she would be unprofessional and inappropriate.

An email has now gone out saying that spouses are no longer able to tag along.

Colleague was spoken to face to face and the bosses did seem apologetic. DH was on a site and saw the email and was phoned by one of the directors again with apologies.

Surely she should have been told about the culture of the company. I am really gobsmacked. Two other wives have texted me this morning and they feel the same. We had a really nice lifestyle there which is bound to have created a nice work environment.

Well, exactly!

The company is paying for the room because the journey home is too far to be reasonable in the working week but that doesn't give them the right to dictate how their employees spend their evenings. I am surprised that the emoyees are not pushing back on this decree.

I’m sure everyone’s occasionally gone on a work trip with a spouse, but that you ‘almost always’ went on trips that were every four to six weeks, occasional conferences and a week in April, and that so did all the other wives, is quite odd. Maybe management just think it’s odd, too, now it’s been brought to their attention, and are just saying no to this culture of trailing spouses on work trips.

Jennaprowl
I wonder if there’s more to this. Presumably you hav heard all this from your husband?
I thought this too but I think op said other wives were all talking about it too so obviously not just op’s dh.

the evening should be spent with colleagues.

Really?
If I was away without my husband I often went to the theatre or the cinema rather than sit in the bar, talking shop.

I think her message was offensive and your husband should complain about his reputation being impugned by her. Her mail was outrageous.

I hate to suggest this, but is it possible that your husband has decided he doesn't really want you "tagging along" anymore?

I really can't see how any employer can dictate how their employees spend their un-paid time to such a degree as deciding they can't socialise with their own wives when not being paid.

I'm fairly sure my company wouldn't allow spouses or partners on a work trip unless there was some compassionate reason.

I don't think it's usual at large companies.

Hi, OP -

The story as you relate it does not quite feel coherent.

I wonder how the back and forth over including the female colleague at lunch went?

I would have no problem with spouses joining in, but things do change if couples are going off for private lunches, either paired or as a group of old friends. A business trip should primarily be collegial.

If an exaggerated complaint has been submitted, that is wrong. But my first thought was that perhaps this woman was made to feel like a fifth wheel. That’s also wrong. Her two colleagues, coupled up or not, should not have left her alone.

When people’s feelings are hurt, they can react by behaving unreasonably.

I wonder if her complaint was simply about the social impact of colleagues bringing partners. And someone had exaggerated or extrapolated to say she claimed that the WAGS were there to stop her from shagging their husbands. It seems extremely unlikely she would have said this.

I would tread carefully OP. I really don’t think you have accurate or complete information.

I think you and the other wives were taking advantage of this for a bit too long, surely it was at the discretion of the company and it’s not something you should ever have expected.

Things have changed now the staffing has changed, it was inevitable.

But they can dictate who gets to stay in a room they're paying for

But they can very much dictate what they are willing to pay for and rooms they are paying for an occupancy of - and they can take control of that

it isn’t your lifestyle though is it it is a working environment not a trip away

Ultimately they have stopped you doing it, so decision made.

Good on her for getting this totally unprofessional custom changed! How come you are free to tag along on your husband's trips so often, do you not have a job yourself?

If the room being paid for by the company is a double, I can't see how they can object to someone else staying over with him. I did this regularly when my DH went away with work, and the kids were grown up.
You asked her if she wanted to join you, and she refused. Would she have refused if it had just been your DH?
I don't think the company can police after-hours socialising.

Why should the evening be spent with colleagues?

They are being unreasonable. We're talking spouses here, not crack and hookers. I would ignore them.

I think they wanted to get rid of partners going and this was their best opportunity falling from heaven.

I was thinking the same.

I don’t go on work trips now, but when I did the evenings were generally either spent with colleagues preparing for the next day or out for dinner with people from the organisations we were visiting. Occasionally I’d actually get some down time, but having spouses or partners there would have seriously changed the dynamics.

I dont understand. She was invited along but declined. Then made a complaint.
Tbh she sounds like someone who likes making mischief. I have met people like this, they will stab you in the back as soon as look at you.
One to give a wide berth in the future, methimks

I've been on work trips, staying alone, but in a city where friends are. No-one's ever had a problem with me going to socialise with a friend I barely see, after work, instead of the colleagues I've just spent all day with!

What a shame, I can't abide people complaining and the result being less for everyone else e.g equalising pension ages...but UP 🤦‍♀️
This sounds so healthy for the marriages involved, gutted for you. Sorry OP ☀️

Not every evening of a long event, obviously.

But depending on the mix of people, a lot can get done in the down time.