Husband’s female colleague’s issue being taken very seriously.

[Sweetmarzipan]

So background. DH works in a fairly male dominated industry.

When he first started in this company he would be away fairly often. One or two nights away every 4/6 weeks. One week in April and the odd conference.

I almost always went with him if I could for no other reason than the free hotel. If there were other colleagues they would have have their spouses with them as well. We became friends with many of them and still socialise. Irrelevant to my post but we always had separate bills and we never exploited expenses and we never saw other colleagues do this either but obviously the room was the same price regardless of occupancy.

Covid came along and other ways of doing things came about so audits etc were done remotely and these trips are now few and far between.

Last week I did join him for the first time in probably 6 months. He was leaving the centre with a male colleague in his fifties and a female colleague (mid thirties but I don’t know if anyone will find ages relevant) who had joined the company around three to six months ago (DH and colleague differ on the dates).

As they left to check into hotel the female colleague asked if they were eating, but they said that they had their wives with them and the male colleague said that she was welcome to join them but she declined. We had booked a pub meal on our own.

They were all together on Friday but over the weekend she has made a complaint suggesting that I and the other colleague’s wife had deliberately tagged along as they believed she would be unprofessional and inappropriate.

An email has now gone out saying that spouses are no longer able to tag along.

Colleague was spoken to face to face and the bosses did seem apologetic. DH was on a site and saw the email and was phoned by one of the directors again with apologies.

Surely she should have been told about the culture of the company. I am really gobsmacked. Two other wives have texted me this morning and they feel the same. We had a really nice lifestyle there which is bound to have created a nice work environment.

We used to do this when our DC were preschoolers, supplementing the allowance my DH was given for the room and paying for food. It allowed us, and other colleagues’ families, some mini breaks and, as you say, gave us a sense of community. What a sad, twisted mind this woman has. How bitter she is.

And? You don’t have to drink alcohol in a bar these days. I’ve never met anyone from any background who’d objected to being in a hotel bar.

It seems very short sighted and knee jerk by company. A longstanding arrangement that has worked well shouldn’t have been overridden on a whim.
As long as spouses weren’t impacting working hours what you do after working day is entirely up to you. No obligation to socialise with colleagues. Some people prefer to eat in room or go to pool or see a show etc.
If I was your husband and other colleague I wouldn’t socialise with her I’d be very wary. It’s really odd to have jumped to you’ve brought your wife as you can’t be trusted. I’d assume wife was there to enjoy a little break and make use of paid for hotel.
I’ve often tagged along with husband no issues to conferences etc. I pay my own food. I use pool/spa, afternoon tea or go shopping and sightseeing. If there’s a dinner allowing a plus 1 I’d buy a ticket. His car mileage and room is covered whether 1 or 2 people. It’s very common in his sector and never been an issue.

This really is one of those mumsnet threads where my mind is blown. I’ve never come across any sort of workplace where this would be seen as acceptable.

I’ll file this alongside people who spend all day in their PJs and those who get changed out of outdoor clothes as soon as they come home. Equally strange concepts.

On balance I think it's pretty inappropriate to bring along a spouse on a work trip. I'd never bring my husband and he'd never bring me. And I think I'd feel a bit weird if my colleague's partners were there whilst I was working

I used to go occasionally with dh when he worked away but only if it was for just one night. I didn't have dinner with him or anything and never saw his colleagues. I was happy to spend the day in a different city and have a peaceful dinner on my own. I don't think it would have gone down well if I'd muscled in during the evening.

I'm afraid that was my first thought: she felt a bit thwarted and thought she'd clear the decks to have a free runway next time!

Honestly some people just need to learn to shut up when it really isn't their business.

Fine then they can book their own room, it’s a free country, they probably won’t though. I’m very sceptical of the reason, it’s too strange and I can’t imagine any employer citing this in an email, without seeing the content I would say it’s almost unbelievable. Far more likely that they had cliques out socialising and one person alone in their room. I would be more wary of people who feel entitled to freeload. The likelihood is this change will promote inclusion and wellbeing within the organisation and bring the team closer. The tag alongs will be forgotten in no time and a healthier culture will be created.

I agree with this. It's also telling that so many people who agree with the OP are commenting on how unpopular the younger woman will be as a result, rather than on how wildly unprofessional the company has been in sharing her complaint (though I find it very unlikely that the substance was as it's been recounted here). And that's to say nothing of the comments about "corporate totty" , and "now she has her chance to shag the husbands".

It's all most singular, isn't it.

A nice perk is unfortunately over because some twit made a stupid complaint.

But. I would recommend for your DHs each of mind that he (or other) male colleagues are never alone with her. On this alone she seems to have a knack of grasping the wrong end of a stick.

Good for her. She’s a young woman being ignored by older male colleagues and she hasn't ‘put up and shut up’. Rather than being allowed to network with her colleagues, she’s being sent to her room.

I cannot see how this practice was acceptable, either tax wise or in terms of equality. And I don’t believe for a moment anyone mature enough to raise this would say it was to protect those poor male employees - unless someone has made a very unwise comment to her along these lines and then she has every right to complain about being framed in those terms.

I do hope Ms Complaint enjoys playing corporate totty at the next trip away - and hope the men don't join her for dinner or drinks!

This kind of outdated, misogynistic bollocks sounds like the shit she's up against at work. She isn't 'playing corporate totty', she's a woman at work, doing her job that - given we know it's a male dominated field - she's likely better at than the men who work there. She's no more corporate totty than the OP's husband is, but he's framed as 'the men' who should exclude her.

OP, I get why it's annoying but I'm team female colleague. It's already hard being a woman in a male dominated industry. It makes it harder still when on a work trip the only other women there are 'the wives' and she's found herself excluded socially because everyone else has brought 'the wives' along for a jolly. It sounds like the bad old days when business was done at the pub or on the golf course and anyone who wasn't part of the boys club at those social events mysteriously missed out on promotions. What you call 'a really nice lifestyle there which is bound to have created a nice work environment' clearly did nothing of the sort for what sounds like the only women on the team.

I think it’s really unreasonable of them to say you can’t use the room however you want – the company may be covering the cost of the accommodation but presumably your H isn’t paid extra to be there, i.e. his evenings are his own.

What did she actually say? If it was implied that they should be spending the evenings together talking shop I’d be tempted to ask if the company is paying for that time. If she literally said you were there to ensure your husbands didn’t cheat on you (surely not?!) then that’s really none of her business.

There was a point in the past when DH was allocated a budget which probably would have enabled us to accompany him on work trips, had we got cheap flights and stayed in cheapie Ibis type hotels. It never happened, because before we got the opportunity, they changed it to him paying for everything himself at first, keeping records and getting the costs refunded later. It's by the by (is that how you spell that?) now anyway, as work trips away are a thing of the past. They've gone the way of having your spouse/partner accompany you to Christmas etc. meals out - that was stopped ages ago due to budget cuts.

Absurd take lol

It’s not just wives, lots of women bring husbands.
Eg one conference is at a luxury golf resort. It costs same for company whether it’s a room booked for 1 or 2 there are only double bed rooms. He has to drive there and gets mileage no different if just him or both of us in car.
In evening there’s a gala dinner one night - plus 1 ticket is available to buy I don’t usually bother.
Other evenings up to them what they do. Some may go to bar. Some prefer to go to spa for a beauty treatment. Some may have work to do and head to room.

Are you sure you have the full story? It just doesn’t sound plausible. It seems more likely she’s complained about feeling excluded at lunch or maybe even in meetings, and the bro clique at the office gossiped up the part about her wanting their wives out the picture.

This is a really weird take. As a young professional woman she shouldn't be relying on her 'older male colleagues' to keep her company. And one of them also asked her out to dinner!

Some colleagues may need a family member with them due to disability or health needs. My male colleague used to travel to conferences his wife attended due to her disability.

Did they take away the second person's pillows, bath towel and free tea bags? How did that work, presumably the guest was charged as if there were two people in the room

DH’s coworker is a problem child. She’s created negative feelings all around and will “pay” for that in subtle ways (e.g. lack of support) until she ultimately leaves because she doesn’t “fit into the culture.” Do your best to let it go so it doesn’t affect DH’s career. It was a nice perk while it lasted but now that’s over.

Which is completely different from people going along “just because”

Maybe you haven’t been around anyone who doesn’t drink on religious grounds. Maybe they don’t like being round other people who have had 3/4 drinks.

She’s a young woman being ignored by older male colleagues

She wasn't being ignored: she was invited to join.

She just wasn't the centre of attention.🙄

Some of these comments about the woman on here is exactly why she will not want to share her free time with her colleagues wives. She calls out an archaic practice and people are questioning her mental health and moral compass. Yes, let's ostracise maneater! FGS.