Husband’s female colleague’s issue being taken very seriously.

[Sweetmarzipan]

So background. DH works in a fairly male dominated industry.

When he first started in this company he would be away fairly often. One or two nights away every 4/6 weeks. One week in April and the odd conference.

I almost always went with him if I could for no other reason than the free hotel. If there were other colleagues they would have have their spouses with them as well. We became friends with many of them and still socialise. Irrelevant to my post but we always had separate bills and we never exploited expenses and we never saw other colleagues do this either but obviously the room was the same price regardless of occupancy.

Covid came along and other ways of doing things came about so audits etc were done remotely and these trips are now few and far between.

Last week I did join him for the first time in probably 6 months. He was leaving the centre with a male colleague in his fifties and a female colleague (mid thirties but I don’t know if anyone will find ages relevant) who had joined the company around three to six months ago (DH and colleague differ on the dates).

As they left to check into hotel the female colleague asked if they were eating, but they said that they had their wives with them and the male colleague said that she was welcome to join them but she declined. We had booked a pub meal on our own.

They were all together on Friday but over the weekend she has made a complaint suggesting that I and the other colleague’s wife had deliberately tagged along as they believed she would be unprofessional and inappropriate.

An email has now gone out saying that spouses are no longer able to tag along.

Colleague was spoken to face to face and the bosses did seem apologetic. DH was on a site and saw the email and was phoned by one of the directors again with apologies.

Surely she should have been told about the culture of the company. I am really gobsmacked. Two other wives have texted me this morning and they feel the same. We had a really nice lifestyle there which is bound to have created a nice work environment.

But what if these men didn’t want to go to dinner with her anyway.

What if they were both going back to their own rooms to get room service and have video call with their families.

Maybe they had booked in evening massages in private. Maybe they were going to go play Pokemon go on a walk 🤷🏻‍♀️😅 or members of one of those 24/7 multiple location gyms.

What makes anyone think that their colleagues must want to eat dinner with them if only it weren’t for their damned partners. Someone who thinks highly of themselves.

Someone who has now ruined all the colleagues perks because they didn’t get what they wanted and threw a tantrum over it basically.

No, but if it was booked for one adult, one adult was expected in. One name down, one person in. This is also for fire safety purposes, if something happen how are they to know how many people are in if their names aren’t anywhere?

As far as I know it’s still practice but I haven’t worked in every hotel ever. Workers might ignore it because of being so poorly paid often it’s not worth the aggravation but if it’s a one person booking and two are checking in you’re meant to question it.

You use colleagues in the pleural? So you think she’s interested in multiple men or just not that fussy? My God, she probably isn’t single and if she was, would she really pick an aging colleague to crack on to? Are they all like George Clooney or something?

then why complain about the wives if she had no intentions etc

Case in point. Do you want to sleep with everything male you eat with? I certainly don't!

Well there's nothing stopping you going. Just pay for a room.

She's shot herself in the foot really. People are going to be swerving her in case she makes another complaint.

Surely she should have been told about the culture of the company. I am really gobsmacked. Two other wives have texted me this morning and they feel the same. We had a really nice lifestyle there which is bound to have created a nice work environment.

You are gobsmacked? What do you mean by you had a really nice lifestyle, it is not your job. It sounds batshit crazy tbh, and very unprofessional. Do you not work yourself?

Wow 🤣🤣🤣

i may have worded it wrong but i was trying to ask if the collegue was not intrested in the male collegues for anything other than just work talk then why complain about the wives to begin with ?

I don't have strong feelings either way about people's families joining them when they are staying in hotels for work: certainly as long as work events and paid work hours are done for the day it doesn't strike me as horrendously unprofessional for people to spend their free time with family members rather than other colleagues, but I don't think it is something I would expect to be the norm. It clearly was the norm at this company though, for many years. You could say it is an example of a family friendly policy, where a business recognises that they don't own their employees and that where work demands impinge on family life it is a really nice thing to do what they can to limit that.

What does strike me as unprofessional is the communication about it. The colleague said to have complained is going to be deeply unpopular and probably find she is far more excluded on these trips than ever before. Even if the way the complaint was raised and policy changed is exactly as OP has been told, people didn't need to know that.

.

I sincerely doubt that all of this is true. I'm not suggesting that OP is lying or misrepresenting what's happened. I think there has been some smoke and mirrors along the way. Were it all to be factual, I would avoid the complainant out of business hours and hell would freeze over before work would dictate to me what I must do in my free time. What I would say is that the whole business reflects terribly on the company. To uphold the complaint, but slag off the complainant to those affected is the worst of all worlds.

so how would you explain the collegue complaining about the wives being with their dh's ?

She didn't get invited to dinner with them, one colleague invited her out with him and his wife. Perhaps she doesn't like third wheeling with a couple she only knows one of.

I don't think you quite got my meaning.

Once again.

"No" is a complete answer. Especially when it comes to navigating personal and professional relationships and boundaries.

Let me guess ? I'm the weirdo ?

Thankfully my dh was the boss until he retired so it was up to him, it’s a bit of a perk, makes travel much more attractive in a job. My ex had the same arrangement and I travelled extensively (paying for my own airfare) on the back of his job. It’s so sad people can’t see the bigger picture

its me im not the brightest spark in the tool box

this was partly what i was trying to say

i may have worded it wrong but i was trying to ask if the collegue was not intrested in the male collegues for anything other than just work talk then why complain about the wives to begin with ?

Exactly.

Even taking work out of the equation, I’d be happy to go for a meal with any individual I know from my hobby group. I wouldn’t be happy going for a meal with just one of them and their spouse who I had never met.

She brought it up with management who decided to stop it happening. They could have let it continue but they didn’t.

And now the wives are moaning about it - direct your issue to management.

Also, given that presumably there isn’t any evidence that she has nefarious intentions (although of course it wouldn’t matter because the men don’t have to go along with it), why is her age and sex relevant? Perhaps she felt it was uncomfortable and unprofessional, she may have come from a company culture where people would sit together and eat when away

ok that i can agree with

What is the point?

She didn't spend the evening with the men and their partners
she complained the men had their wives with them so she didn't act inappropriately

What am I reading? The amount of people who think employers own them is shocking.

Is the employee doing less work because their wives is there? Is the wife being there costing the employer extra? If no to both then it is simply none of the employers business. Unless they are paying loads of overtime, they do not own your hours outside of what's contracted. It's none of their business how you spend those hours. The fact they think you should be using them to "bond" is bonkers.

thats the other question is why would she even be thinking that that was the reason the wives were with them ? unless theres missing context that would sugesst other behaviours etc

How can your husband’s company enforce this? Presumably once client dinners are done etc everyone can do whatever they want to do. Surely the company cannot mandate for anyone to spend the company together with the rest of the colleagues? What if someone wanted to go to the gym or get a massage or eat by themselves in their room? I’d expect my husband to push back on this or consider ACAS.

You are still doing it.

Repeatedly trying to solicit the reasoning behind a clear "no" is abusive and controlling. In any relationship.

This was pretty much the very first thing I learned via MN - and have been eternally grateful ever since.

They have made a change to the rules. One would hope that professionals (presumably) shouldn’t need to be told and monitored but It sounds like it is the wives who are angry about it. Perhaps the firm is trying to adjust the company culture