Husband’s female colleague’s issue being taken very seriously.

[Sweetmarzipan]

So background. DH works in a fairly male dominated industry.

When he first started in this company he would be away fairly often. One or two nights away every 4/6 weeks. One week in April and the odd conference.

I almost always went with him if I could for no other reason than the free hotel. If there were other colleagues they would have have their spouses with them as well. We became friends with many of them and still socialise. Irrelevant to my post but we always had separate bills and we never exploited expenses and we never saw other colleagues do this either but obviously the room was the same price regardless of occupancy.

Covid came along and other ways of doing things came about so audits etc were done remotely and these trips are now few and far between.

Last week I did join him for the first time in probably 6 months. He was leaving the centre with a male colleague in his fifties and a female colleague (mid thirties but I don’t know if anyone will find ages relevant) who had joined the company around three to six months ago (DH and colleague differ on the dates).

As they left to check into hotel the female colleague asked if they were eating, but they said that they had their wives with them and the male colleague said that she was welcome to join them but she declined. We had booked a pub meal on our own.

They were all together on Friday but over the weekend she has made a complaint suggesting that I and the other colleague’s wife had deliberately tagged along as they believed she would be unprofessional and inappropriate.

An email has now gone out saying that spouses are no longer able to tag along.

Colleague was spoken to face to face and the bosses did seem apologetic. DH was on a site and saw the email and was phoned by one of the directors again with apologies.

Surely she should have been told about the culture of the company. I am really gobsmacked. Two other wives have texted me this morning and they feel the same. We had a really nice lifestyle there which is bound to have created a nice work environment.

This! I’d find it really odd for this to happen on a work trip, but mine would normally include planned dinners in the evening.

I can't stand half my colleagues and would no way be eating with them after work had finished

I know of many spouses who have gone on work trips, it doesn't cost the company anything and it means their employees are happy. I don't understand why on Earth this woman has complained.

I can't imagine she's going to be very popular with her new colleagues, how to make friends and influence people - not.

I predict that you’ve never worked in professional roles. My company don’t know anything about my spouse and don’t know anything about other people’s spouses either. It’s like something from the Victorian era thinking that a spouse is a part of your at work persona, isn’t it? Happily I am judged for my talents and skills, and mine alone.

When away with colleagues we finish up early evening, agree to meet in the bar at 7:30-8-ish to arrange dinner plans then we have a few hours to do what we want with before an evening of team bonding. No we’re not paid for those hours but it’s all part of the wider job.

Agree. I wouldn't want to spend the evening talking shop with random colleagues. Maybe all eat together as a group but after that - nope. I'm not sitting in a bar for hours with Jason Cringe from marketing, or Billy Big Balls Director playing the bountiful host.

If DH went away with her again I'd hope that he wouldn't have dinner with her

How strange. I used to go and stay in the hotel with DH when he stayed away as he went to some interesting cities, it was never an issue.

This is probably just a generational difference. The idea of going on a work trip that involves dinner and hotel with couples feels straight out of Mad Men to me.

Sorry she burst all of your bubbles. I don’t think she was outrageously wrong or anything, she should have been told in advance you can take plus ones (which I honestly don’t understand how, I’ve worked in
hotels and if a double was booked for 1 adult,
it was strictly for 1 adult).

That is actually quite restrictive. Not everyone is into drinking and happy to spend their time in a bar. We have to accept that these days we have a mixed work force.

Much less their spouses, to be honest. A Christmas party once a year is enough.

I predict that you’ve never worked in professional roles.

Don't give up the day job, Mystic Meg 😂

I worked in an entertainment-heavy industry. Nights out and trips away were non-stop, generally seething with extra-marital activity. One consequence of that was that couples formed, so many of us were often with our partners albeit on separate invitations.

Smaller firms did include non-industry partners in their own events and it always made for a really nice family atmosphere. I don't care if it's seen as unfashionable these days; it's good for loyalty and morale.

I did that once or twice with my DH, I just went off sight seeing in the day and met up again for dinner so really didn't interfere with the working day at all and obviously I paid for all of my expenses. But it was more often me away for work and my hours were so unsocial often working very late nights made a spouse coming not worth while and it was usually B&Bs rather than proper hotels.

I don't think it really matters whether or not it's normal practice to take one's spouse on a business trip - it wouldn't be normal where I work, but that doesn't really matter. I don't think the question is 'Is it unreasonable for a company to have a policy of allowing spouses on work trips?' but rather 'Is it unreasonable for a woman to complain that the presence of a colleague's partner is some sort of deliberate dig at her?'

Which it isn't. She's mad.

Well! She's made herself popular, hasn't she?

I think it is a bit othering to her to have older, male colleagues on work trips bringing their wives along and having clearly made arrangements in advance without including her (you say you'd already booked somewhere for dinner for the 4 of you). Its pretty weird to go along on a work trip with your husband if there are other colleagues on the same trip and some of those (i.e. the younger female colleague) are excluded from plans.

Does none of the wives work? How are you all free to go on free trips every 4-6 weeks?

My first thought, too 😄

Screams personality disorder to me - I can’t have company so I will make it about me and manipulate this…

Advise your DH to be very cautious around her as this is a massive red flag

She probably fancied one of the blokes and the wife was cramping her style or she's just used to being the centre of attention when on trips with male colleagues. Why would she think the men were after her and the wives came along so nothing could happen? And if someone's wife is paranoid and doesn't trust their husband how does that affect you anyway?

100%

Its about her response - I mean how old is she can’t she dine alone an accept the invite ffs

I’ve often gone away with my husband. He’s meticulously regarding keeping everything separate and Ive never taken Advantage of this.
granted, my husband is in a very senior position in the company, but I’ve always been welcomed on Every trip by both his boss and all the rest of the staff.

Bringing spouses is so odd, especially as it's usually just about cheapness. 2 weeks in St Tropez, sure, I could understand asking if your spouse could come. Travelodge in Birmingham is just so your spouse can have a change of scene and you can expense your half of an evening meal! Pay for your own weekend away FFS. My SIL brings her mum to tag along in the hotel purely because 'its a free night away'. So cringe and unprofessional.

I thought this.

I think the reason for her complaint - about the being inappropriate- was nonsensical , but the actual outcome seems reasonable.

Having spouses on work trips would change the culture in a way that I would consider negative. It means it’s not on a business footing/ promoting bonding between employees/ team members.

For this single colleague (or who didn’t have a partner with her) it means she only gets to go along to dinners as a sort of third/ extra wheel, whereas without spouses all colleagues are on an equal and professional footing.

Well, quite.

My DP and I work at the same place and are sometimes at work events together for that reason... god knows how she'd copy with that.

Well its hardly likely that any of the staff that did this will now want to spend any time socialising with her outside of pure work necessity on these trips after shes complained.

I certainly would be giving her a wide berth & wouldnt be spending any time with her outside of mandatory work reasons - no invites for having dinner together whilst staying at the hotel etc. Seems she has shot herself right through the foot with this one.