Husband’s female colleague’s issue being taken very seriously.

[Sweetmarzipan]

So background. DH works in a fairly male dominated industry.

When he first started in this company he would be away fairly often. One or two nights away every 4/6 weeks. One week in April and the odd conference.

I almost always went with him if I could for no other reason than the free hotel. If there were other colleagues they would have have their spouses with them as well. We became friends with many of them and still socialise. Irrelevant to my post but we always had separate bills and we never exploited expenses and we never saw other colleagues do this either but obviously the room was the same price regardless of occupancy.

Covid came along and other ways of doing things came about so audits etc were done remotely and these trips are now few and far between.

Last week I did join him for the first time in probably 6 months. He was leaving the centre with a male colleague in his fifties and a female colleague (mid thirties but I don’t know if anyone will find ages relevant) who had joined the company around three to six months ago (DH and colleague differ on the dates).

As they left to check into hotel the female colleague asked if they were eating, but they said that they had their wives with them and the male colleague said that she was welcome to join them but she declined. We had booked a pub meal on our own.

They were all together on Friday but over the weekend she has made a complaint suggesting that I and the other colleague’s wife had deliberately tagged along as they believed she would be unprofessional and inappropriate.

An email has now gone out saying that spouses are no longer able to tag along.

Colleague was spoken to face to face and the bosses did seem apologetic. DH was on a site and saw the email and was phoned by one of the directors again with apologies.

Surely she should have been told about the culture of the company. I am really gobsmacked. Two other wives have texted me this morning and they feel the same. We had a really nice lifestyle there which is bound to have created a nice work environment.

I agree with this. It’s a bizarre set up to be honest. I regularly go away for work (and to some nice, touristy places) and it wouldn’t even occur to me to ask if I can bring my wife. It’s work - not a holiday. And I would feel awkward if my colleagues’ spouses rocked up to a conference etc. The way you have framed this sounds inappropriate at best OP. It does seem a bit Stepford Wives to be honest.

OT but I love having the house to myself if my husband goes away!

I used to work somewhere that had the policy if you travelled abroad you could fly business class, or fly economy and take your partner with their flight then paid for. Hotel costs wouldn’t change and partners had to (obviously) pay their own expenses like food etc. this was travel to the US and then some parts of SE Asia.

Its probably all been said but I wanted to add my perspective. I've travelled on business a lot over the year, sometimes alone, sometimes with a group of colleagues. I'm female. I'd feel fairly disappointed if travelling with a group to be abandoned at dinner. Of course I'm capable of eating alone and have done, but its nice not to. And honestly in these circumstances I don't want to spent time with somebodies wife either.

I have tagged along with DH a few times, but usually when he’s freeelancing (he is an academic) rather than on “official” trips. We’d pay my travel costs.

From the updates it really looks like the new colleague said no such thing.

Either someone doesn’t like her and is shit stirring, or exaggerating or plain old got wrong end of the stick.

It just isn’t conceivable she said this. I’m willing to believe, at a stretch, that she made a negative comment about the WAGS being there and changing the dynamic, but no more.

As much as I can understand where you're coming from, she's an employee and you aren't so the company should absolutely prioritise her needs above yours. Excepting situations where a disabled employee needs to be accompanied by their carer, no adult should need their partner to hold their hand on a business trip.

In my industry it would be seen as absolutely inappropriate, unprofessional and frankly bizarre to have your partner with you on for overnight stays when attending meetings and conferences.

@Sweetmarzipan if I was dh I wouldn’t be now spending my time with her because wife’s aren’t allowed .
Although you could book yourself Into he hotel separately she can’t stop you booking a room or a table for dinner. .

This may or may not be true. I think it is possible.

Nevertheless….

OP, in your initial post you bang on about the friendly culture of this company. Then you describe how you and DH blew off the female colleague’s enquiry about meal plans because you had made private ones.

The trip is fundamentally professional. This wasn’t the worst thing in the world but it cannot be called ‘friendly’. You could have offered to see if the pub could accommodate an extra person, you could have invited the woman (then) for another meal or to meet for a drink later. You mention none of this.

The friendliness sounds rather selective.

It does all seem really outdated. I think a lot of people would find themselves annoyed at being effectively excluded on a work trip. I’m a bit antisocial and quite happy to eat on my own but think I’m fairly unusual. This definitely feels like a work practice from another era so probably best to view it as a nice perk while it lasted.

What if you don't want to spend evenings eith your colleges?

Agree. I'm bewildered by the flood of 'unprofessional' comments.

I don't see forced evening socialisation between colleagues as particularly good for business - how so? They aren't schmoozing clients and, if eating together were so important, they'd be dining together when working at the office.

Fostering friendly family relations among staff, however, is a long-established employee retention strategy. This lot have shot themselves in the foot, I reckon.

I do hope Ms Complaint enjoys playing corporate totty at the next trip away - and hope the men don't join her for dinner or drinks!

It’s worrying the company has jumped to her demand. I think she might have form for causing trouble and probably uses all the buzz words to get her way.

She is probably upset she didn’t get to shag your husbands and is taking it out on everyone else.

Hang on OP, you're saying that this woman made a complaint (being concerned that the OP and the other wife tagged along as a pre-emptive 'response' to her being inappropriate), and the company decided to change their policy as a result of this complaint and be all apologetic about it to the men involved?

If right – what a shitty thing to do to this woman!

Either they back the complaint or they do not. If the complaint has merit, it's not for the company to apologise for the resulting change in policy. I'm not even sure they should be supplying the reason, given it has a real capacity for this woman to now be ostracised from her colleagues.

It does make me wonder whether the company has fibbed about the contents of the complaint, and/or it was an opportunity for them to change policy for other unrelated reasons.

A final point – I voted YABU, but mainly because I can see how the existing approach is not good for collegiality. I can imagine that a new colleague might feel uncomfortable joining one couple for dinner; plus it sounds like the OP was not going to change their plans either. Being the third wheel at some couple's dinner is quite a different occasion from dinner with a number of work colleagues.

It's entirely normal, and common, in academia for partners to tag along to conferences etc. We've had some amazing holidays as a result of doing this, all at a reduced cost due to flights and hotel (or part hotel) being covered. I see no issue whatsoever as long as any costs claimed are genuinely for the person who's travelling for work.

Spouses tagging along to the all male events seems like it created a bit of a boys club, the men and their 'wives'.

Isn’t it considerably more likely to be senior management saying ‘So Dave, Bob and Martin”s wives tag along on every single trip like it’s a regular element of their social lives? Bit much, when you think about it. Let’s just say that won’t be happening any more.’

Either they back the complaint or they do not. If the complaint has merit, it's not for the company to apologise for the resulting change in policy.

Because this is AIBU and also because this thread seems to have stayed unreasonably free of a trans debate, I'd like to point out all the business that rushed to "apologise" to their staff or customers after the Supreme Court ruling last year.

I think it's relevant that this is a male-dominated industry. Imagine that you are the only woman on the trip who isn't a WAG. Possibly that could feel quite undermining, whereas being the only woman on the trip probably wouldn't. It would reinforce the old-fashioned and gendered nature of that industry.

I am also an academic. DH and I have tagged along on each other’s travels lots. But we take the opportunity to spend most of our time with others. I have met many interesting people this way.

(During a long conference we will sneak away once or twice)

How bizarre of her to say this? Why would her colleagues' spouses be secretly employed to ensure she wasn't behaving unprofessionally? Why would they know, they don't work with her? They're not sharing a room with her?

Plus the fact nobody went for dinner with her so how could they be spying on her professionalism?

How odd... The company shouldn't have banned spouses on her say so.

Just assured her her accusation was unfounded and that nobody did anything wrong.

And earmarked her as an absolute CF that needs managing out asap.

I'm petty AF so I'd book my own hotel room next time and still come along. Your husband's employer can't stop you from staying at the same hotel or him from spending time with you after work.

Yes that’ll be it. Sheesh! What a misogynistic comment on a women’s social media board.

I have bought my mum on a work trip, my husband has come on some trips especially if it is somewhere nice, NY, Rome, Athens. She/He looks after himself while I am busy we spend time together when off the clock!
She was being ridiculous.

It’s very old fashioned. Most women have their own careers and are not available for multiple trips away to accompany their spouse. The other issue, which I believe can be a bit of an issue in countries with only a fortnight leave pa, is that people are more inclined to travel unnecessarily for work and then spin the trip out.