Husband’s female colleague’s issue being taken very seriously.

[Sweetmarzipan]

So background. DH works in a fairly male dominated industry.

When he first started in this company he would be away fairly often. One or two nights away every 4/6 weeks. One week in April and the odd conference.

I almost always went with him if I could for no other reason than the free hotel. If there were other colleagues they would have have their spouses with them as well. We became friends with many of them and still socialise. Irrelevant to my post but we always had separate bills and we never exploited expenses and we never saw other colleagues do this either but obviously the room was the same price regardless of occupancy.

Covid came along and other ways of doing things came about so audits etc were done remotely and these trips are now few and far between.

Last week I did join him for the first time in probably 6 months. He was leaving the centre with a male colleague in his fifties and a female colleague (mid thirties but I don’t know if anyone will find ages relevant) who had joined the company around three to six months ago (DH and colleague differ on the dates).

As they left to check into hotel the female colleague asked if they were eating, but they said that they had their wives with them and the male colleague said that she was welcome to join them but she declined. We had booked a pub meal on our own.

They were all together on Friday but over the weekend she has made a complaint suggesting that I and the other colleague’s wife had deliberately tagged along as they believed she would be unprofessional and inappropriate.

An email has now gone out saying that spouses are no longer able to tag along.

Colleague was spoken to face to face and the bosses did seem apologetic. DH was on a site and saw the email and was phoned by one of the directors again with apologies.

Surely she should have been told about the culture of the company. I am really gobsmacked. Two other wives have texted me this morning and they feel the same. We had a really nice lifestyle there which is bound to have created a nice work environment.

It's a weird decision for company loyalty ...no cost to the company but a way to make trips away less lonely, less a strain on relationships. A benefit to the hotel with extra spending on food, refreshments. It's peculiar because it's controlling the evening which I imagine is unpaid. I'd only sit around with colleagues on suffrage after a day together. I'd ensure I had a friend living nearby for any future trips and wouldn't give my evenings on principle after this was withdrawn.
Loads of people have said unprofessional but unless your whole 24hrs is paid for, having a family life, where possible, seems a cost free benefit to staff.

I thinlk she was right to complain. Bringing spouses along is fine if everyone has a spouse. I can imagine it would make single work colleagues feel like the third wheel. They are working for the company and spouses who are not working, are pushing them out.

I think the spouses were fair cheeky to go along in the first place and turn up for dinner with the colleagues. The colleagues should socialise together at dinner.

Never heard of partners tagging along to business trips, tbh I’d also find this weird and inappropriate especially if you’re doing couple things in the evening instead of socialising with colleagues.

Female colleague 'Dear Boss. I wonder if we could have a moratorium on spouses accompanying work trips. It feels a bit unprofessional, especially as there were some technical widget issues I would have appreciated bringing Bob and Arvind up to speed with over dinner'.

'Hi Bob and Arvind, look sorry chaps, Samantha's thrown a spanner in the works. No more wives at work. Think she fancied her chances with you and was fed up the ladies were there. Women eh? Amiright? Speak later. The Boss.'

She definitely went about this the wrong way but I also kind of get where she's coming from? I previously worked in a role where my colleagues were all older men and I would have found it bizarre if they'd shown up with their wives on a work trip. I would never dream of voicing it, but part of me would assume an element of 'keeping an eye' on their partners.

I don't work in HR, but even my first take was that this would be a minefield for the Equality Act. Even the OP talks about "spouses" which immediately has an impact on people who are either single, or who do not want to telegraph their personal relationships to their colleagues.

One of the few examples I have seen of the EA being enforced is to be scrupulous that extramural invites are either staff only, or staff "+ guest".

I was going to ask what is the relevance of being a woman.

If I'm at a work conference in the day and staying at a hotel I prefer to go and lie down in the dark rather than talk shop all evening. I hope they wouldn't ban that. Ultimately they can change the policy if they want to but it's weird they have told DH the reason. If the complainer found out they'd done that I think she'd have (legitimate, this time) grounds for a complaint!

This is what I intended to convey in my first post. You did a much better job.

One can easily imagine the interaction sounding exclusionary, particularly if the female colleague was feeling sensitive.

Great user name.

If it’s a minimum wage job that’s fair enough, but you’re not going to get promoted or bonuses in many managerial roles if you turn down opportunities to network with colleagues. Saying ‘but you weren’t paying me for it’ isn’t going to help!

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!

When I was doing my accounting training we were told that if a spouse joins you, you fail the “exclusively” bit. If you can prove they paid for their own accommodation, food, and travel, HMRC might just let it pass, but the rule exists to stop people passing-off mini-breaks as business expenses.

Guessing she must have felt left out and not comfortable dining on her own? Must admit I would feel the same as you, back when I used to work away I would have been delighted if my boring male colleagues brought their wives and I could have a chilled evening on my own, yes please!

Pre children I also benefitted from many holidays thanks to DP’s job - the best was a week in New York where I got to pick the hotel. He only worked about two days, we didn’t socialize with his colleagues and I don’t imagine they cared.

DP had a colleague who went to all the major tennis tournaments, he used to swap to a cheaper hotel so he could take his wife and two young kids with him.

Guess it’s very industry/company culture dependent.

I think that provided it doesn't interfere with work, and they're paying their way and not jollying on the company's expenses, taking one's spouse or partner along on work trips should be positively encouraged if it's what the couple wish.

I wonder what the colleague's actual complaint was? My guess is that she said the practice of spouses tagging along is unprofessional and your DH was creative with the rest to make it sound like an outrageous complaint! Fwiw I agree that it is unprofessional.

But you do get to be off duty at the end of the working day.
When our first child was a baby, we both used to stay in a hotel room with my husband some weeks. He was weekly commuting for 6 months. We were not the only people to do it.

I've been to dozens of high level, security clearance work events / conferences etc.....unless there is a banquet in the evening to attend...socialising in the evening is completely optional. If an individual can't network in the day then I despair....it's a bizarre reductive decision to remove this positive for staff

Yes it is a potential tax minefield for the company - hotel expenses are tax deductible but my if solely for business purposes - having a spouse there means tax should be part on part of the room

busjness trips are not personal trips if she did force it to HMRC and audit it could be a minefield

or if it was h see personal expenses and on your husband tax bill same

Well out side of the hours for work it shouldn’t matter who you have dinner with or sleep with.

What if everyone wanted to eat alone ordering room service rather than meals in the hotel?

They cannot dictate that they have to eat dinner together.

The only thing work can actually stop is to not allow overnight guests to take advantage of company paid for rooms. But op could book her own room in that hotel or a local travel lodge and they could go to the movies and dinner once work was finished.

Does she now think that on business trips her colleagues (previously bringing their wives or husbands) are now going to want to socialise with her instead? I’d rather sit alone than socialise with someone like her!

20 years ago it wasn't unheard of for spouces in DH line of work to tag along - we had young kids so I couldn't - it's no longer happens.

Tends to mean DH spends fair bit of time exploring the place by himself but also tends to eat with collegues more.

I think you were lucky it carried on so long TBH.

Exactly.
I’d not be socialising with colleagues I’d spent all day with unless it was a requirement in which case they can pay me overtime!

It all seems a bit outdated. I love my DH but I can't imagine taking him on a work trip. It would change the group dynamic and I would have to worry about him as well as work. Not that he would ever waste his precious time off to tag along on one of my work trips!

Fair enough! In that case I can see why it's a potential headache... but doesn't sound like the company were too bothered in that respect!

I wouldn’t be at all surprised if someone has made a “joke” about it to her. When you’re a single woman in her 30s it’s amazing how many people like to joke that you’re after someone else’s husband. And yeah, I’d make a complaint about it if in a work context.